Six years, on average.
That’s how long it takes couples to get marriage counseling after they begin having problems. That’s bad news since the success of marriage counseling has a lot to do with how motivated the couple is. And usually, the longer the problems continue, the less motivated the partners become. As unresolved conflicts accumulate, problematic behaviors like complaining (e.g., “I don’t like it when you talk over me”), criticism (“You never listen to what I say”), and contempt (“What’s wrong with you? Do you want a divorce?!”) show up.

These lead to what John Gottman of the Gottman institute calls Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). In NSO, our emotions and perceptions about our partner become so skewed that we can only perceive their goals and motives as being against us. Our partner could attempt to compliment or encourage us, but we will interpret it negatively.

It's kind of like the old story about the grandpa who took a nap in the living room. While he was sleeping, his grandsons snuck in and put limburger cheese on his large handlebar mustache. When he woke, he sniffed and said, “It stinks in here!” He got up and went into the kitchen, sniffed again, and said “It stinks in here, too!” Then he went out the front door and took another large sniff. He said, “The whole world stinks!!” When you’re in NSO, and it comes to your partner, the whole world stinks!

Too Many Times

I’ve been counseling couples since 2013, and I’ve seen this play out too many times. These couples become entrenched in their positions and seem incapable of any kind of compromise.  NSO begins to occur, and things look hopeless.  At that point having a time machine seems like the best option to me!  Then I could talk to this couple a few years before and change destructive patterns before they became so entrenched. This idea became a dream (not the time machine part), that I would be able to work with couples at a time before things got too bad. I can’t claim this as my idea, though. The Bible tells us: A shrewd person saw danger and hid himself, but the naive passed on by and paid for it (Prov 22:3).

Am I overstating things when I quote a verse that talks about danger?  No.  Research has demonstrated that divorced (or widowed) people are 20% more likely to suffer from a variety of long-term health problems, (heart disease, cancer, diabetes, digestion or metabolic problems, other chronic health issues). Research has also shown that men tend to be disproportionally affected, with one study showing an increase in mortality rate among men who have been divorced as 250% higher than that of women who have been divorced. This appears to be related to the ensuing isolation that women tend to manage better than men.

Not Just An Adult Problem

But divorce doesn’t just impact the husband and wife. If a couple has children, they will also suffer the consequences of a failed marriage. The Institute for American Values’ report titled “Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” addresses this issue. The report concludes by saying: “Studies consistently show that parents are the greatest predictor of the religious life of their kids. The way parents live out their faith walk in front of their kids plays a significant role in the likelihood that kids will come to own their own faith. In other words, a strong faith that kids see lived out in their day-to-day lives is more likely to lead to a strong faith on the part of children. After a divorce, many of these parents have little time or energy to foster the spiritual development of their children.“ The study goes on to note that children’s decreased likelihood of embracing the faith of their parents has much to do with the decreased level of their father’s involvement.

Theologian Bernard Cooke notes: “It is primarily in loving and being loved that we begin to grasp the incredible truth that we are loved by God,’ what happens to children’s faith when someone they love has left? What happens when to be with one parent by definition means not being with the other?”

Clearly, this effect on children will be of earth-shaking proportions.​

An Opportunity For Healing
This brings me back to speaking on marriage issues. To be more effective in helping couples in their marriages, Grace Christian Counseling (GCC) is developing this new service as an effort to be proactive instead of reactive. Trying to act more like the fitness center than the hospital, you could say.

​The service we offer is to provide a marriage enrichment presentation or marriage workshop for your church or other organization.  Please check out the two options explained briefly below...

GCC Marriage Enrichment Presentation

The marriage enrichment presentation is an entertaining and informative 45–60-minute talk that covers the topics of Trust, Ownership, and Commitment (TOC). Focusing on these key relationship issues can strengthen a weak marriage and make a mediocre relationship into a thing of beauty.​

GCC Marriage Enrichment Workshop

In the 2-3 hour workshop, we teach and practice techniques for improving your marriage. These can include reflective listening, conflict management, and repair techniques.  It is a fun, informative, and interactive presentation. ​
Please contact me directly regarding the cost of the presentation or the workshop or if you have any questions.  You can reach me via email or regular mail, which you can find on our CONTACT US page.

A Ministry of Caring

A little bit more about me. In 2013 I received an M.S. in Professional Counseling. Since then I have counseled couples, individuals and families.

Recently someone asked me about my philosophy of marriage counseling. I replied that I am utilitarian, I just want to do what works! Why? Because I see GCC as a widows and orphans ministry. In the U.S., about half of all marriages end in divorce, and that produces many “widows” and “orphans.” I frame it that way because in Biblical times, widows and orphans were powerless people, likely to be oppressed. Likewise, today, after divorce women experience a 20% decline in income and standard of living as well as a 27% increase in the risk of poverty. Also, children in single parent homes are more likely to be sexually abused then those with two married biological parents.

Ministry to the widows and orphans is something close to God’s heart, so it is close to mine.  But I don't want to simply minister to widows and orphans.  I want to stop the cycle that creates more spiritual and emotional widows and orphans...those caused by the destruction of the family through divorce.  My many years of counseling experience has increased my passion for this essential ministry.  Allow me to help bring healing and hope to your marriages!
He is a father to the fatherless and an advocate for widows. God rules from his holy dwelling place.  Psalms 68:5 (NET)
Some of the resources and statistics I mentioned above...