In this way, Wilma has deescalated a situation that would likely have turned into a big fight and scheduled a discussion about how they can come to agreement on time management. Of course, this will mean both must be willing to give some ground, it also means they must have the discussion when they agreed. I say that in case Fred is like me, he’s ready to agree to a meeting later, but he does it hoping it will not actually occur! ​

​Next time, we'll deal with Contempt, the second of the Four Horsemen.

What do I mean by that?  Gottman's research has determined that four kinds of communication are destructive to a marriage.  So destructive that Gottmans call them “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.  In giving them that name, they are telling us that when those show up regularly, the end (of the relationship) is near!  They have plenty of research to support this. ​

Next time I want to talk about some antidotes to these Four Horsemen.  

Scott Wegman M.A. Professional Counseling ([email protected]) ​

Previously published in the Sandy Creek Baptist Association newsletter (Murrayville, IL)

As you can see, a harsh startup is a negative, accusatory attack. Marie is not just complaining about what happened. She is saying that there is something fundamentally wrong with Phil. It is important to note that she might feel justified in saying what she did in the way she said it. But beginning a conversation in this way is not likely to help the rest of the conversation be productive. Instead, most conversations that begin with harsh startup move exchanges of accusations, insults, and eventually stony silence. Research shows that a harsh startup is a symptom that predicts marriage decline and divorce. ​

Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.  G.K. Chesterton

I’ve given a Biblical definition of “Christian” because I want to deal with the issue of how we respond to the commands of Scripture.  These commands have much to do with the transformation toward Christ-likeness that occurs in the life of a Christian.  Although it is not the main purpose, transformation into the likeness of Christ will help us become someone who could be a good spouse. 

A controversial study released by the Barna Research Group in 1999[1] highlights the need to talk about this issue.  According to their research at the time, the divorce rate of those identifying as “born-again Christians” was higher (27%) than “other Christians” (24%), and atheists or agnostics (21%).  Later research by the Barna organization modified the numbers somewhat.  The later study notes that one-third (33%) of all adults in the U.S. who have been married have experienced at least one divorce, the same rate as “non-evangelical born again Christians”[2].  As you might imagine, there has been a lot of discussion about the findings of these studies.  Commenting about this data, a Barna Project director said: "We would love to be able to report that Christians are living very distinct lives and impacting the community, but ... in the area of divorce rates they continue to be the same."

I’m not trying to throw stones, here.  I simply believe these studies help to underscore the importance of this issue of the lordship of Jesus.  By lordship, I mean accepting Him to be our supreme master, which is what the word “Lord” means in the New Testament.  Accepting Him as master or “Lord” means we will obey His Word.  I Peter 2:9 tells us that Christians “…are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, [God's] own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light (AMP, emphasis mine).”  So if we are His people we are to be like Him.  Being like Him will clearly make us different from those who don’t believe and live in disobedience to Him.  Honoring our marriage vows can be one of those ways we “display the virtues and perfections of Jesus”.  I can say that because it was Jesus who said “"What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." (Mar 10:9, NASB). 

Now, this isn’t condemnation of those who are divorced.  There can be many reasons why a couple divorces, and some are Biblical (e.g., Mat 5:22, I Cor 7:15) and most are heart-wrenching.  This isn’t about divorce.  I could point to similar findings about single Christians and premarital sex, adultery, or other activities that the Christian clearly is told not to do.

The point I want to make is that as Christians, we’re called to obey the teachings of Jesus and the other writers of the New Testament.  An attitude of surrender to the commands of scripture is what will put us in the best position to be transformed into the image of Christ (see Rom 12:1-2).    Jesus said it best: “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15, ESV.)

All of this to say that as a Christian, our top priority should be obedience to Jesus as revealed through the New Testament and the direction of the Holy Spirit.  If we are actively pursuing obedience to Jesus, we will grow in Christ-likeness.  If we grow in the likeness of Jesus, many good things will happen.  Becoming someone who is better equipped to be a spouse is really just a side effect. 

One more thing.  The lordship of Christ is a huge topic, I’m not in any way fully covering it.  Taking Jesus as our savior is the first step of obedience.  And all of our obedience is imperfect, we deal with our sinful nature and live in a fallen, sin-filled world.  If you read this and heard me say that submitting to the lordship of Christ means you will perfectly obey all of the New Testament teachings on how we should live, you didn’t hear me correctly.  As I see it, the Biblical idea is of increasing Christ-likeness over our Christian life.


[1] "Christians are more likely to experience divorce than are non-Christians," Barna Research Group, 1999-DEC-21, at: http://www.barna.org/ Barna no longer has this report online. However, a review of the report is at: http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm.

[2] New Marriage and Divorce Statistics Released, Barna Research Group, 2008-MAR-31, at: https://www.barna.com/research/new-marriage-and-divorce-statistics-released/.

Jesus does not offer an opinion for He never uttered opinions. He never guessed; He knew, and He knows!
​A.W. Tozer
 
So far, I’ve tried to make the case that pre-premarital preparation can avoid a lot of problems after marriage.  I’ve emphasized that this preparation deals primarily with you, not the other person.  Why do I say that?  Because I’ve seen it many times: someone will talk extensively about their spouse’s problems.  They may even preface their whole talk with a statement like “I know I am part of the problem”.  But then on they go to explain what their spouse does wrong in detail. 

Their description of their spouse’s flaws, misbehaviors and issues may be 100 percent accurate.  But the problem is they can’t change their spouse.  I can’t change their spouse, their parents can’t, their friends can’t…, you get the picture.  The point is, we can’t change anyone other than ourselves, and even changing ourselves can be very difficult.  So, is there any hope? 

The answer is “yes”!  Jesus told his followers: “ ‘…with God, all things are possible’ (Mark 10:27, KJV).” That gives us hope that God is willing to work with us to help us change in ways He desires for us (also see I John 5:1).  Paul wrote about the transformation that can come to them by the influence of the Holy Spirit in a person’s life.  He encouraged them (and us) to “ ‘…put off your old self, which… is corrupt through deceitful desires, and [be] renewed in the spirit of your minds… after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness’ (Eph. 4:23-24 ESV).”  So, it is possible to change ourselves.

That brings me to the topic of spiritual foundations.  It’s a logical next step because I write from a Christian perspective.  I’m also writing primarily to Christian people.  So, I want to spend a little time on what it means to be a Christian.  This is because in my experience and from my belief in the Bible as truth, the Christian has an advantage in issues that involve who we are and who we are becoming.  The Christian has access to the power of God to change and grow (see II Cor. 13:4). That change and growth can help us to become a person who is a better spouse.  Paul illustrated this when he explained to the Galatian churches the difference between someone controlled by the Holy Spirit and someone controlled by their sinful human nature (Gal 5:19-26).  The person only controlled by their sinful nature will have inclinations toward fighting, jealousy, sexual promiscuity and fits of anger.  A person who is coming under the control of the Holy Spirit will become more loving, joyful, peaceful and self-controlled.  It’s not hard to see that a person who is controlled by the Holy Spirit is going to be easier to get along with than someone controlled by their sinful nature.

That last paragraph sounds good in theory.  But you might be saying, “Well, I’m a Christian but that doesn’t describe me!”  So, let’s define the word “Christian”.  The word “Christians” is first used in the Bible in Acts 11:26 to describe the disciples or followers of Jesus.  It’s arguable that following Jesus can look different depending on where you are in terms of sanctification and service.  But the Christian is a Christ follower.  By “follower” the Bible is indicating a person who will be with God and know Him (Mark 3:14, I Cor 1:9, Phil 3:10).  Thus, a disciple is one who is getting to know Jesus better and trying to become more like Him.  More about this next time.

We get too soon old, and too late smart.
- American proverb

This isn’t another marriage blog.

No, I’m doing these posts as I work toward a book for “pre-premarried” people.  That means it’s for single people.  Single people who would like to be married someday. 
And why am I writing?  Because I can’t talk to all of you.

This idea came out of my (and others’) experience working with couples.  Couples who are in difficult places in their relationships, sometimes for many years.  The frustration, anger, resentment and stress they experience cause major damage to their relationships.  Once they were so in love.  Now they sit in my office, not even wanting to look at each other.

When I’ve finished talking with a couple like that, I’ve sometimes wished for a time machine. 
That’s actually not as random as it sounds.  Now, I’ll admit that I’ve thought having a time machine would be really great long before I was working with couples.  There are lots of times in history I’d love to visit.  But that’s not what I’m getting at here.

​I’d wish I could go back years in their relationship and give them some good instruction.  Instruction that would help them avoid ever getting to the place they are now.  Or even go back before they made this promise to each other and God.  I’d like to give them information to help them make better decisions.  About who they marry, why they marry, and what they should expect from marriage.  Because with that information it’s likely they could avoid much of the hurt they are experiencing. 
​
So, until someone gets me a time machine, I’ll keep working on these posts.

Dear reader:

In John 13:34-35 Jesus tells us: “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, probably many times.  But have you ever wondered how we actually love one another?  I Corinthians 13 lists several characteristics of love, and all of these have to do with character traits.  Character traits are formed as we (with the Holy Spirit’s help) make choices over time. 

This little story will help us think about how to make the choices that lead to some of those character traits. 

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.  What?  You’ve heard this one before?  Sure you have, but didn’t you read the first paragraph?  This story has a lesson in it.  So where was I?  Oh, yeah, the three pigs.  Well, apparently things have gone pretty much like you’d expect for a three-little-pigs type story, except for the ending.  You see, in this story all three pigs lived, and so did the wolf.  But the authorities were called in, and where we pick up the tale they are in court (isn’t that always what happens in the U.S.?)  I tell you there’s too much litigation in this country!  Why, back in the old days – what?  Oh, it looks like something’s about to happen.  Let’s pick up the story.

The baliff has just entered the kingdom of Far, Far Away’s courtroom.  He’s a short, round fellow with a long black beard, black hair and a big nose.  He’s a dwarf, although it’s no longer politically correct to use that term, so we’ll refer to him as vertically challenged, admirably large nosed, non-red (dwarves are either black or red) person, VCALNNRP for short.  The VCALNNRP steps to the side of the door and yells “All rise, Court is now in session.  The honorable Lady Galadriel is presiding!”

As you would expect, Galadriel, a  fair haired woman with pointy ears, moves gracefully to the judge’s bench and casts her wise gaze over all in attendance.  “I am hearing the case of the three siblings of the McSwine family versus Mr. Maximus Badius Von Wolfenstein”, she intones. “Why do I see only two members of the McSwine family here?”

A young, stalwart (isn’t that a cool word?) figure at a table at the front of the room stands to his hooves.  His first name is Porky, and if you were paying attention you already know his last name.  “Your honor, the horrendous events we suffered at the paws of Mr. Von Wolfenstein have left our other sibling so badly traumatized that he is being treated at a psychiatric hospital.”

From the other side of the courthouse at a table at the front, a large, hairy figure leaps to his paws (two of them, this is an anthropomorphic tale after all).  “Objection, your honor!  They weren’t traumatized in any way!”

Galadriel glances gently at Von Wolfenstein.  “Overruled!  Please proceed, McSwine family, what is the nature of your complaint?”  She phrases it this way because a second stalwart figure is sitting at the table beside her brother.  She’s slightly smaller than her brother and has a ditzy feel to her.  How can I tell that, you ask?  You just have to know her.  And, she’s spent almost her entire time in the court room gazing at the ornate ceiling woodwork.  I’m not sure if she knows anyone else is in the room. 

But enough of that.  Galadriel’s comment has gotten her attention!  Her mental faculties have been aroused!  She quickly totters to her hooves:  “Well, Mr. Von Wolfenstein verbally threatened us, destroyed our property and attempted to kill us!  He also made several very unflattering remarks about my house and my construction abilities on Facebook and Twitter.  It was very hurtful!  Hashtag cyberbullying!”  That last comment was something she threw in just for the younger crowd in the courthouse.  The older ones were left wondering what a hashtag was and what it had to do with birds.

Von Wolfenstein quickly shoots back: “But, your honor, I-“

Galadreil apparently is losing her patience, or maybe she just doesn’t like wolves.  She snaps: “OVERRULED!  That sounds terrible! Please proceed.”

“Yes, it really was!”  Petunia: “He even posted pictures of my house on Instagram with mocking comments about my neoclassical early oak and maple dwelling”. (Did I mention she’s into speaking latin – you know, pig latin?)

“Your what?”

“My house.  It was made of twigs from oak and maple trees.”  She pauses to work around a lump in her throat.  “What he did was really very unloving.”

Von Wolfenstein apparently disagrees, since he again leaps to his paws: “But, your honor, I-“

“OVERRULED!”  Turing to the pigs, Galadriel asks, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, your honor,” Porky replies, “in I Corinthians 13 Paul describes God’s love as having several characteristics.  These characteristics include kindness, forgiveness, humility, and courtesy.  Mr. Von Wolfenstein certainly didn’t display any of those characteristics!”

Von Wolfenstein is confused.  “But, your honor, what are Corinthians, why are they first, and why are there 13 of them – “

Apparently Galadriel has had enough, however.  “OVERRULED!  Pigs, please explain yourselves.”

“Well, for example Mr. Von Wolfenstein wasn’t very kind to us”, Petunia sniffs in a surprisingly unpiglike fashion.  “You see, your honor, kindness can be defined as showing a gentle nature, having a desire to help others and liking to do good things for others or bringing happiness to others.  You could think of it as the joy of putting someone else’s needs before your own simply for the sake of the relationship.  Mr. Von Wolfenstein was not putting my needs above his own, being gentle or wanting to bring happiness to me when he blew my house down.”  Her voice has risen dramatically by the end.  It is clear she is nearing the end of her ability to control her emotions and will soon need to find some mud to wallow in.

Von Wolfenstein isn’t fazed by this display of porcine emotion however.  “But, your honor, I got so sick of hearing her talk about the hair on her “chinny-chin-chin”.  I mean, who does that?  Is that even a thing?  I just literally can’t.  I– “

This tirade on Von Wolfenstein’s part appears to be a miscalculation, however, since Galadriel is clearly not impressed by trendy, hipster language: “OVERRULLED!  Too many annoying phrases that everyone uses but that don’t make sense!“  She takes a clearly needed moment to calm herself then says to the pigs, “OK, you’re saying kindness is an aspect of love, and that it means doing something for another person for the sake of the relationship?”

“That’s right”, Porky returns.  “So a loving person will be kind to others and that could mean doing something for someone else that they really appreciate.  Like allowing them to go in front of you at the checkout line at the grocery story, or doing the dishes when it’s actually your sister’s turn”.  He is sermonizing now, but if you remember, this story is supposed to contain a lesson.

Von Wolfenstein is not taking it, however.  “But, your honor, I’m a wolf; I don’t even have any dishes!”
“OVERRULED!  That statement is irrelevant to the case.

“Porky’s right, your honor”.  Petunia is back from the ether or wherever it is she goes in her mind, and ready for a fight!  “But courtesy is also an aspect of love, since I Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love does not behave itself in an unseemly way.  Mr. Wolfenstien was certainly not courteous to me when he insulted my house and made rude comments about me on social media!”

“But, your honor, I’m a wolf; what do I know about social media?  I mean, when I hear about something that tweets all I think about is eating it – no, no, not eating it, I mean, um, bleating it!  You know, like baaa-tweet, baaaa-tweet.”  This also was misstep on Von Wolfenstein’s part since it was obvious to everyone in the court that he began to drool when he started talking about eating something that tweets.  It also wasn’t entirely accurate to give the impression that he doesn’t know anything about social media since he is actually the webmaster of a not-for-profit site dedicated to helping wolves leave the vegan lifestyle.  And in retrospect, that may have been a better defense for him to make than the silly “baa-tweet” comment. 

But still, Galadriel isn’t taking it.“ OVERRULED!  That’s just weird.  Proceed, McSwines.”

“Thanks, your honor.  Like we were saying, being courteous is a way to show God’s love to others.  When we show courtesy we treat all people as friends because everyone we meet has value.  Everyone we meet is someone God loved so much He sent Jesus to die for them.  Does that make sense?”  Porky’s sermonizing again, but we’ve already been over why, right?

You can see that Von Wolfenstein isn’t giving up, though.  Or maybe he just doesn’t pick up on obvious social cues: “Objection, your honor!  I – “

“OVERRULED!  You shouldn’t object to the fact that everyone is a person God loved so much he sent Jesus to die for them.  McSwines, could you give some examples?”

Now it’s Petunia’s turn to sermonize: “Sure, your honor.  If you’re angry with your brother because you can’t agree with him about something, the courteous way to handle it would be to focus on a solution to the problem, instead of just fighting over who’s right.”

This has clearly gotten Von Wolfenstein’s attention!  “You mean like when you can’t agree on which pig to eat first and your brother wants to…”  He’s just realized that this last comment will not help his case.  Plus, everyone in the court has stopped what they’re doing and is looking at him.  But remembering his last disastrous attempt at correcting a verbal gaffe, he opts this time for an appeal for mercy:”…Umm, can that remark be removed from the record?”

Galadriel nods, and then Porky jumps back in.  “Another example of courtesy would be to give your undivided attention to another person when they are talking to you, and try to maintain eye contact with them.  You communicate to them that you care for them when you do that.”  Porky begins to sit down, and then realizes that Petunia has spent the past few minutes staring at the ceiling, so he knocks her down before sitting himself.

While there would certainly be more drama, pathos and maybe even romance were we to follow the argument for the defense, we won’t.  Instead, we’ll join the story again at the Far, Far Away Asylum for the Criminally Confused.

As we pick up the story, the two pigs are sitting at a table eating.  They haven’t been here long, and, other than the food, are very angry about being in jail.

“Can you believe that judge, putting us in jail!?” Petunia growls.

Porky replies: “Yeah!  And can you believe Von Wolfenstein?  How dare he tell the judge that we weren’t very loving toward him!  Just because he’s a building inspector, what right does that give him to criticize how we built our houses?” 

“Yeah!!” Porky responds.  “He thinks just because he was being honest with us about our so-called building code violations that we should appreciate it, and not get mad at him!”

At this point in their conversation is interrupted in an unexpected way.  Mr. Von Wolfenstein walks into the eating area!

“Hey, McSwines!  It sure was unfortunate that the judge couldn’t decide the case and put us all in here!” 

“Yeah, unfortunate.”  Porky is thinking very unpiglike thoughts at this point.

Von Wolfenstein isn’t deterred, however, he has something to say: “I was thinking about what you said in court about being loving.  And it occurred to me that one of the aspects of love is honesty.  You know Ephesians 4:15 says that we should speak the truth in love.  I was just speaking the truth to you when I told you your houses weren’t up to code and that they were probably going to fall down”.

“You were speaking the truth but it wasn’t in love,” Petunia squealed.  “Love is humble, and you sounded pretty puffed up to me.”

“Puffed up!  I’ll show you puffed up!”

The fight that ensued was epic.  Words fail in trying to describe the nature of the conflict.  Suffice it to say it’s not advisable to blow down a pig’s house without being prepared for the consequences.  The jailer broke it up or things would have gone badly for – but enough about that.  The jailer sat them down together and proceeded to help them be less confused.  Remember, it was the Far, Far Away Asylum for the Criminally Confused.

“What is the problem with you three?  Why are you so upset with each other?”  This is the jailer in counselor mode.

At this point it’s best if I intervene again and tell you that Von Wolfenstein, Petunia and Porky all began explaining themselves at the same time.  The summary of their comments was: Porky, “He tried to kill us!”, Petunia, “He blew down my house!”, Von Wolfenstein, “I was just doing my job!”, Jailer, “Stop talking!!”  
Finally the jailer prevailed.  “McSwines, I know why you’re angry, Von Wolfenstein, what’s your problem?”  The Jailer is back to her counseling role.

“It was all a big misunderstanding!” Von Wolfenstein says.  “I’m the building inspector, I just told them their houses weren’t up to code and that they weren’t safe!” 

The jailer isn’t satisfied: “What about you blowing their houses down?”

“Well, maybe it got a little out of hand when I tried to make sure they understood their houses weren’t well built.”

The jailer issn’t letting Von Wolfenstein off the hook so easily.  “Yeah, you could say that!  But it sounds like with all the arguing about being treated in an unloving way, you’ve forgotten about another aspect of love that is talked about in I Corinthians 13.”

“What’s that?”  Everyone wants to know!

“Forgiveness”, the Jailer says.  “The Bible tells us that love does not keep a record of wrongs.  I understand that you’ve been hurt by things that have happened, but a person who wants to love like Jesus does will forgive.”

“I’d have a hard time forgiving Von Wolfenstein”, Porky sounds sorrowful.  “He blew down my brother’s house and my sister’s house and tried to get into mine – “

Von Wolfenstein interrupts, “I was doing a roof inspection!”

“And he said some pretty mean things about me.”  Petunia complains.

The jailer is understanding. “But it’s important to understand what forgiveness is and what it’s not.  Forgiveness is the releasing of a debt, an intentional decision to not continue to hold the offense against the one who wronged us.  It’s a process we usually to have to work through for some time.  It’s also important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean saying what the person did to us was right.  Forgiveness also doesn’t mean we forget.  It would be hard for any of you to forget the things that happened here! “

“You’re right, Jailer,” Petunia says.  “I do need to forgive Mr. Von Wolfenstein.  To Mr. Von Wolfenstein she says: “I forgive you for destroying my house and saying all those hurtful things about me.”

Porky: “Yeah, I forgive you too, Mr. Von Wolfenstein.”

“Thanks, both of you.  I really am sorry for the problems I caused.”  Von Wolfenstein is starting to choke up.

“I’m sorry too”, Porky says.  “I shouldn’t have tried to shoot you off of my roof and for criticizing you for doing your job.”

Petunia chimes in:  “And I’m sorry for getting so angry at you.”

“You’re forgiven.”  Wolfenstein is developing a distinctly unwolfly sniffle.

Now the jailer drops the bomb: “Well, since you’ve all taken care of that you’re all free to go.  You see, when we forgive someone we set a prisoner free, and that prisoner is us.”

And now they are all learning how to live happily ever after.
​
P.S.  Let’s give credit where credit is due.   got some of the concepts about how to show the kind of love I Corinthians 13 is talking about from a book called Love as a Way of Life by Gary Chapman.  It’s a great resource for thinking about how to live out Jesus’ command to “love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34).

A Summary of Boundaries in Marriage – Speaking the Truth in Love

My intent in doing these blogs is to introduce good resources for marriages and families.  In the current series about Boundaries in Marriage I’ve discussed what boundaries are and how they work.  I wanted to spend the rest of this entry going over some of the other boundary-related issues addressed in Cloud & Townsend’s book.  These are discussed below.

The requirement for the “oneness” that most of us want in relationships is two healthy individuals.  All of us need to overcome our tendency to think the world revolves around us to become emotionally healthy.  A healthy individual allows the person they love to have freedom in the relationship, not control.  An unhealthy person will assume they always need to be happy, and this will damage all of their relationships. 

Instead of this unhealthy mindset we need to make the following positive choices.  Choosing to love God, to love your spouse, to be honest, to be faithful, to be compassionate and forgiving, and to be holy will put your relationship on the path to being the best it can be.  When we love God, we are willing to obey Him, and He gives us reasons to stay together and the power to change.  When we love our spouse we identify with her to the point that we feel the effects of our behavior on her.  When we are honest with each other, we are more likely to talk about things that, though difficult, can lead us to greater intimacy.  When we are faithful to each other it will mean being sexually faithful and also faithful with our hearts.  When we are compassionate and forgiving, we are able to deal with the fact that both of us are not perfect.  When we choose holiness we are without blame, pure and whole, better able to pursue love and to get rid of things that get in love’s way.

There is always a danger of intruders in the marriage relationship.  Both spouses must diligently guard against the intrusions of such things as work, children, TV, in-laws, church, etc.  All marriages need outside support, and no marriage has all of the resources both partners will need, but be careful what outside supports you chose.  For example, the wife who confides more in her mother than in her husband is likely preventing growth in her relationship with her husband.  The husband who is overcommitted to his job (or ministry) is also damaging the relationship with the one he committed his life to.  It’s also very important to remember that parenting is temporary while marriage is supposed to be permanent. 

Cloud and Townsend identify several types of conflict including: sin of one spouse, immaturity or brokenness of one person, hurt feelings that are no one’s fault, and desires of one person versus the needs of the relationship.  They also describe some “rules” for how do deal with each type of conflict. 

When conflict involves the sin of one spouse, humility and grace are needed.  Then the offended spouse will be able to understand they are not better than the one who offended them.  But while we need to be soft on the person, it’s important to be hard on the issue. 

When conflict is due to the immaturity or brokenness of one partner, it will be necessary for the other partner to accept the reality of the situation, communicate support to their spouse, and develop a plan. 

When feelings are hurt but no one is to blame, develop a plan to avoid causing the hurts in the first place.  When there are conflicting desires, don’t moralize your own preference, and consider meet your spouse’s needs before your own.

If conflict is around the needs of one person versus the needs of the relationship, it’s good to remember that marriage needs to come first, but individual needs should also be considered. 

A final note on boundaries in marriage is that they can be misused.  Boundaries are not about escaping responsibility.  If a spouse doesn’t communicate when they have set boundaries but only enforces them, this is a misuse of boundaries.  Also, if the spouse who sets the boundaries isn’t willing to take ownership of their part of the problem, a misuse of boundaries has occurred. 

Overall, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend is a great resource for your marriage if you struggle with maintaining a sense of individual freedom and personal integrity in the marriage.  The authors do a great job of helping the reader apply Ephesians 4:15  (“… speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,” NASB).  And that’s the way I want to summarize the concept so it’s easy for us to remember: Boundaries are about speaking the truth in love.  Here’s an example to help us with the overall concept.

Jay is a very structured person; he’s on time, on schedule and organized.  Terry is less so.  She’s very artistic and creative, and sometimes she gets so involved in the moment that all of her other responsibilities, commitments and obligations are forgotten.  Obviously, this is pretty frustrating to Jay, he’s been annoyed by it since they’ve been married and has nagged, criticized and complained about it over the 10 years they’ve been married.  But then he’d make excuses for her or try to prevent her (or both of them) from experiencing the consequences of her poor time management.  Finally someone directed him to a book on boundaries, and he decided to set up a boundary around this issue.  He realized he will have to speak the truth to Terry, but do it in a loving way.  So he came to Terry after dinner and asked if they could talk.  He knew this was about the lowest stress time in her day, and he chose it because they needed to have a hard conversation. 

Jay: “Terry, for the last few years I’ve nagged you a lot about trying to get places on time, and I’ve realized that’s not what I should be doing.  Even though I’ve said things and been upset with you, I’ve never stood up for what I wanted in this area.  But now I want to try something different.”

Terry: “I still don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but what are you going to do?”

Jay: “It is a big deal for me, and it’s inconsiderate of others.  So I’ve decided that when it’s time to leave for anything we’re planning to go to I’m going to leave if you’re ready or if you’re not.”

Terry didn’t like the idea, but Jay realized he needed to give her the freedom to experience the consequences of being irresponsible with her time management.  The test came a few days later when they were supposed to go to dinner with friends.  They were scheduled to meet at 6:00, and it took 15 minutes to get there.  At 5:45 Jay saw that Terry was still working away in her studio, so he left for dinner without her.  When Terry finally realized that Jay had left she was too embarrassed to join them for dinner and chose to stay home by herself.  This kind of thing happened several times over the next few weeks, with Terry opting to stay home each time. 

But the game changer was an invite to Terry’s parents’ house about a month later.  They were supposed to come for lunch on Saturday at noon.  Since they lived an hour away, Jay was ready to go at 11:00, but Terry was in the middle of a project and clearly hadn’t thought at all about getting ready to go.  Jay didn’t want to go by himself and he didn’t want both of them to drive that far, but he knew he needed to maintain this boundary so he left.  When Terry got to her parents’ house (two hours later) Jay and her parents were as kind to her as ever.  Terry’s sisters weren’t.  After that, Terry got an appointment calendar app on her phone to warn her in advance of scheduled events. 

Since then Terry has seen that it was good for their relationship for Jay to set up a boundary around this issue.  They are having less conflict about it, but also Jay is more pleasant to be around because he’s not as frustrated about her poor time management.

In this example, Jay suffered in silence some of the time, but found that his frustration was often coming out as the nagging and complaining.  After setting the boundary, he saw that it was actually not loving to prevent Terry from experiencing the consequences of her irresponsibility.  This had prevented her from growing and experiencing victory in an area where she had felt like a failure for years.  His boundary helped her develop her own boundary.

So if you have identified yourself in any of the information I’ve shared, pick up a copy of Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.  You may find that setting boundaries with yourself and in your marriage is one of the best things you’ll ever do for your relationship.