Thanks for coming to the GCC website.  I’m taking a break from the videos and blog posts on communication to do this personal message to the visitors to my site. 

When I first started the journey that would lead to a degree in counseling it was because I saw the devastation that was occurring in our community because of the breakup of families.  After prayer and advice from others I chose to focus on marriage counseling because it seemed like the best way to make a difference.  I thought it would help protect children who are victimized and help parents pass their faith to the next generation.

So over the last two years I have spent a lot of hours counseling with couples (individuals too).  And my observation is similar to what I’ve heard from other professionals: too many couples come to marriage counseling with a relationship that is DOA.  I understand that God is in the resurrection business, but I also know that he allows us to make our own choices.  And I also know that there is a lot of wisdom in the old proverb that “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  So I have thought for some time that it would be wiser to help marriages by working on the “ounce of prevention” instead of the “pound of cure”.

That’s where the website blog and videos came in.  I saw a counseling webinar on the power of social media in communication, and decided to try it.  The idea was to provide teaching tools for couples whose relationships are in trouble but not at the breaking point.  To try to reach couples with preventative teaching before their relationships are in crisis.  So I’ve produced and posted videos at the rate of about one a month for all of 2014. 

But the problem I have with this internet-based medium is that it can be pretty impersonal.  I get information about how many people visit my website from the company that hosts it.  I also get information about how many people see, click on, share, and like the content I put on or link from Facebook.  What that doesn’t tell me, though, is if anything I wrote or talked about was helpful.  If anyone actually used the concepts I’ve talked about in the videos. 

The question about the effectiveness of the information I’ve produced was especially in my mind when I began talking to people about support for the ministry.  It made me wonder: “Am I being a good steward of the money that God has given me through those who support this ministry?”  Writing takes time, so does putting internet movies together.  Is the time I’m spending on this a good investment?  Would it be better to explore some other options?

It seems to me that the best way to answer these questions is to ask you, the visitors of my website. 

I’m not fishing for compliments here, I just want some honest feedback.  For example, some time ago I talked to someone who had watched some of my earlier videos.  They had some constructive criticism about the way I did the filming.  I valued that information and tried to make adjustments because of it.

When I watch the videos I made longer ago I think that I could have done better.  I want to, going forward.  But I also want to have a better understanding about the effectiveness of these videos and blog posts.  So would you be willing to give me some feedback?  Topics to discuss?  Things you think would be helpful?  What you like or don’t?

If you see this on Facebook you can message me.  If you view it on my website, just click the letter icon at the top right of the page.  My phone number is also in the contact page of the website, you can text as well.  The message, email or text will be only seen by me.


In summary, I value your input.  It will help me understand where I focus my efforts in the future. 

If you’ve read the blogs or watched the videos to this point, you might be thinking: “I’ve tried to do those things you talked about, BUT MY SPOUSE WON'T TRY AT ALL!” 

If you especially agree with the all caps, I think we should consider something else before we go on.  It’s possible for anyone dealing with long-term reoccurring frustrations to have difficulty viewing the situation clearly.  So in order to really evaluate if you’re understanding it correctly, let’s look at a definition of a healthy relationship.  This one is from Leslie Vernick (http://leslievernick.com):

A healthy adult relationship is one where both people in the relationship give and both receive. There is a safe and open exchange of ideas, feelings and thoughts and all perspectives are considered and valued. There is also the freedom to respectfully challenge, confront and strengthen one another.

Does that sound like your relationship?

If you would say it’s generally true, but there are some things that frustrate you, it’s possible you just need to give your spouse permission to be human.  

What if it doesn’t describe your relationship at all?  What if you read the word “safe” and thought “I don’t feel safe”?  If so, it would be wise to take a look at some of the online resources about abuse.  Googling “am I in an abusive relationship” will provide you with several quizzes and lists of characteristics that can help you to answer that question.  It will also give you resources that can help you if you need to get out of a violent relationship.  And that's the most important point to get from this: if you are in an unsafe relationship, get to a safe place!

If the relationship isn’t abusive, but you feel like your spouse never tries to work on it, my first suggestion would be to ask God for wisdom.  James 1:5 tells us “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”  Since God is glad to give us wisdom in perplexing situations, insight from Him might help you to better understand if how you view your relationship is really accurate.  You may be dead-on in your assessment; I just wanted to point out that it can be difficult to see a situation correctly when we’ve felt frustrated for a long time.  Input from a trusted friend who knows both of you well might also be helpful.

So, your spouse not willing to work on the relationship, even though you’ve spoken to them, encouraged them, nagged them, cajoled them, etc...  Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written several excellent resources about boundaries that might help.  The following thoughts are from their book “Boundaries In Marriage”.

To start with, what is a boundary, anyway?  It’s a line that separates ownership of parcels of land or even different spaces.  Depending on where you live you may be able to go to a plat book or a website and see the boundaries of the property where you live.  When you know property boundaries you can quickly tell who owns what. 

In the same way, boundaries within relationships are about ownership.  Knowing the boundaries in a marriage helps us to know who “owns” things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors.  When we talk about “owning” something we are really addressing the issue of responsibility.  So boundaries are about taking appropriate responsibility in the relationship.

I have talked to couples who spend a lot of time focused on how the other person did not meet their needs, or made them feel.  And in these cases, the boundary lines get blurred.  She is blaming her harsh words on him: “If he would just talk with me more, or want to be with me for anything other than sex, than I wouldn’t get so mad and say such mean things.”  Meanwhile he tells me he doesn’t want to spend time with her because of the critical things she says to him.  And as long as they are blaming each other for their reactions, they can’t fix the relationship.  The cure for their relational woes is not under their control.  The solution, to quote Cloud and Townsend, is that “we must actively participate in the resolution of whatever relational problem we might have, even if it is not our fault”. 

I will talk more about ways to actively participate in relational problems in upcoming blogs/videos.

On a previous video/blog we discussed reasons why one member of a couple might not want to work on communication. 

But if you’re the one who wants to, then what?  I think there are at least two things you can do: (1) learn to be a better listener yourself, and (2) learn how to set appropriate boundaries in the relationship.

Let’s start with learning how to be a better listener.  This stuff is straight out of counseling training.  Counselors use several non-verbal behaviors to help people understand they are being listened to.  These behaviors can be remembered by the acronym SOLER:

• Sit squarely
• Open posture
• Lean toward the speaker
• Eye contact
• Relax

Most people will do some or all of these actions unconsciously when talking with someone they care about or are interested in.  You might see yourself do some of them with a little effort toward self-awareness.  Just pay attention to the way you sit, lean, etc. as you are listening to something or someone you’re really interested in.  You might be surprised at what you’re already doing!  You might also be surprised at what you’re not doing when you talk to your spouse.

Sitting squarely.  Turning away from someone while they speak communicates to them that you’re not listening.  Likewise, turning toward someone communicates “I’m hearing you”.  So an easy thing to do that helps your spouse know you are hearing them is to sit facing them.  You can be directly across from them, or at a slight angle.  When sitting squarely, it’s important to be aware of how close you are to the other.  As a general rule in American culture, being less than 18 inches away can make them uncomfortable. And generally people with closer relationships will sit closer together while those less comfortable around each other will stay further apart.

Open posture.  Like the photo shows, how we have our arms can communicate without saying a word.  Folded arms can communicate defensiveness, disgust, or anger (notice the man on the left).  Likewise a more open posture can non-verbally tell someone I am willing to listen without judging (notice the man on the right).  We may not mean anything by how we sit or stand, but if the other person is reading it that way, it’s worth considering. 

Lean toward the speaker.  Leaning away from a speaker is something people generally do to indicate wariness, distrust, disagreement or boredom.  Leaning toward usually indicates the opposite.  It shows that you are interested in them and what they have to say. 

Eye contact.  Good eye contact demonstrates that your focus is on the speaker.  Good eye contact isn’t staring the other person down, instead it involves looking directly at their face and occasionally shifting your gaze to other parts of the body.

Relax.  Relaxing here means doing these non-verbals in a natural or un-planned way.  Doing what “comes naturally”.  “And how is that possible?” you ask.  Don’t expect it to be at first.  But as you practice these non-verbal techniques they will become more natural.

I said earlier that you may do some of SOLER actions already.  But chances are that time, frustration, conflict, etc. have worn away the natural inclination you have to do to the things that indicate you’re interested in what he has to say.  In fact, you’re probably not interested.  But the good news is that you can re-learn them, or learn them in the first place if needed.

Speaker-listener cards are another tool that can be used to facilitate good communication.  Just follow the instructions on the card.  Like the non-verbal listening skills, the speaker-listener cards might seem awkward at first, but will become more natural over time.

We’ve gone over a number of techniques to help with communication.  But if your spouse isn’t willing to put forth some effort in this area, it may be necessary to establish some boundaries.  More on that next time.

The previous posts/videos assumed that both members of a couple wanted to work on communication. But what if one spouse doesn't want to try?

Obviously I can’t speak for your spouse, but if it’s you, why don’t you want to try? Send me a message and let me know. In the meantime here are a few possible reasons:

1. She’s so critical I just don’t want to hear what she says.
   

As I’ve said, criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, i.e., four aspects of communication that have a high probability of spelling the end of a relationship.

As the listener you’re in a tough position here. But a soft answer will often stop the criticism from escalating. Then at a time when you are both in the green zone, ask if she would be open to talking with you about how you feel attacked sometimes. Have a specific example or two. To talk about it with her in a general way might be to say something like “You are always so critical when you talk to me about how I…” That kind of sounds like criticism, doesn't it? So don’t be afraid to complain, but in a gentle, specific way. And at a time that is good for both of you. 

2.   She is making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

I suppose there may be some drama kings and queens out there, but overall, if your spouse is telling you it’s a problem, it’s a problem. A man’s willingness to receive influence from his wife is another strong predictor of marital success, according to the Gottmans.  So if your attitude about this is just part of your pattern of not being influenced by your wife, research would say that your marriage is headed for trouble. But the good news is that if you've identified this as a problem then you know what to change. It might be wise to confess it to your wife, and tell her you’re sorry. 

3.   I’m just not good at listening.

Sure, some of us have attention deficit issues, but I wonder…  Is it possible that you can listen well when your friend is telling you about something you’re both interested in?  What if you really believed that improving your listening skills would improve other areas of your relationship too?  I’m not trying to be insensitive here, but sometimes it seems to me that inability is really just a lack of motivation.

4.   I don’t care anymore

That’s a problem. Maybe you’re just burnt out from all of the conflict, stress, anger, criticism, etc. in your house. Regular doses of this kind stuff will go a long way toward depleting a couple’s love tank. Or maybe other things may have moved into your relationship to take the priority that should be given to your marriage. In Matthew 6:21 Jesus addressed the issue of what we treasure, and it is implied that we can control what we value. And this gives me a lot of hope that an uncaring attitude can be changed.

Whatever the reason, if you feel like you’re beyond caring there are a few things you might want to think about. Maybe you’re so fed up that leaving seems like the best option. But if you ever want to be married again consider this. Research shows that the best opportunity for a successful relationship is with the person you are currently married to. Also, there were probably good reasons why you got married in the first place. Things that attracted you to each other. It could be time to revisit them. Marriages fail for a lot of reasons, but in my opinion way too many fail simply because either or both people simply quit working at it like they did at the first.

Disclaimer!! This obviously doesn’t apply to an abusive relationship – more about that next time.

5.    I have found someone else.

If this is a real person, or pornography, the research referenced above applies. In the moment that may seem farfetched, the person you are currently having an affair with probably seems perfect. (An expert in couples having affairs calls it “being on the drug”). But if he or she is willing to cheat with you, what makes you think he or she is not willing to cheat on you? If it’s porn, it’s probably an addiction. Get help. In all of these cases, it’s an escape. The harder route of working on the relationship instead of escaping into a fantasy world will bring you more happiness and satisfaction in the end.

One last thought – which should have been the first. Pray!! If your spouse is willing, pray together! God is for you, and His intentions toward you are good. I think the reason He hates divorce is because of all the hurt it causes to everyone involved.

To summarize, you might have what looks like a good reason not to try to communicate with your spouse. But in most cases, if you are willing to put forth some effort in this area, you will be glad you did.