On a previous video/blog we discussed reasons why one member of a couple might not want to work on communication. 

But if you’re the one who wants to, then what?  I think there are at least two things you can do: (1) learn to be a better listener yourself, and (2) learn how to set appropriate boundaries in the relationship.

Let’s start with learning how to be a better listener.  This stuff is straight out of counseling training.  Counselors use several non-verbal behaviors to help people understand they are being listened to.  These behaviors can be remembered by the acronym SOLER:

• Sit squarely
• Open posture
• Lean toward the speaker
• Eye contact
• Relax

Most people will do some or all of these actions unconsciously when talking with someone they care about or are interested in.  You might see yourself do some of them with a little effort toward self-awareness.  Just pay attention to the way you sit, lean, etc. as you are listening to something or someone you’re really interested in.  You might be surprised at what you’re already doing!  You might also be surprised at what you’re not doing when you talk to your spouse.

Sitting squarely.  Turning away from someone while they speak communicates to them that you’re not listening.  Likewise, turning toward someone communicates “I’m hearing you”.  So an easy thing to do that helps your spouse know you are hearing them is to sit facing them.  You can be directly across from them, or at a slight angle.  When sitting squarely, it’s important to be aware of how close you are to the other.  As a general rule in American culture, being less than 18 inches away can make them uncomfortable. And generally people with closer relationships will sit closer together while those less comfortable around each other will stay further apart.

Open posture.  Like the photo shows, how we have our arms can communicate without saying a word.  Folded arms can communicate defensiveness, disgust, or anger (notice the man on the left).  Likewise a more open posture can non-verbally tell someone I am willing to listen without judging (notice the man on the right).  We may not mean anything by how we sit or stand, but if the other person is reading it that way, it’s worth considering. 

Lean toward the speaker.  Leaning away from a speaker is something people generally do to indicate wariness, distrust, disagreement or boredom.  Leaning toward usually indicates the opposite.  It shows that you are interested in them and what they have to say. 

Eye contact.  Good eye contact demonstrates that your focus is on the speaker.  Good eye contact isn’t staring the other person down, instead it involves looking directly at their face and occasionally shifting your gaze to other parts of the body.

Relax.  Relaxing here means doing these non-verbals in a natural or un-planned way.  Doing what “comes naturally”.  “And how is that possible?” you ask.  Don’t expect it to be at first.  But as you practice these non-verbal techniques they will become more natural.

I said earlier that you may do some of SOLER actions already.  But chances are that time, frustration, conflict, etc. have worn away the natural inclination you have to do to the things that indicate you’re interested in what he has to say.  In fact, you’re probably not interested.  But the good news is that you can re-learn them, or learn them in the first place if needed.

Speaker-listener cards are another tool that can be used to facilitate good communication.  Just follow the instructions on the card.  Like the non-verbal listening skills, the speaker-listener cards might seem awkward at first, but will become more natural over time.

We’ve gone over a number of techniques to help with communication.  But if your spouse isn’t willing to put forth some effort in this area, it may be necessary to establish some boundaries.  More on that next time.

The previous posts/videos assumed that both members of a couple wanted to work on communication. But what if one spouse doesn't want to try?

Obviously I can’t speak for your spouse, but if it’s you, why don’t you want to try? Send me a message and let me know. In the meantime here are a few possible reasons:

1. She’s so critical I just don’t want to hear what she says.
   

As I’ve said, criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, i.e., four aspects of communication that have a high probability of spelling the end of a relationship.

As the listener you’re in a tough position here. But a soft answer will often stop the criticism from escalating. Then at a time when you are both in the green zone, ask if she would be open to talking with you about how you feel attacked sometimes. Have a specific example or two. To talk about it with her in a general way might be to say something like “You are always so critical when you talk to me about how I…” That kind of sounds like criticism, doesn't it? So don’t be afraid to complain, but in a gentle, specific way. And at a time that is good for both of you. 

2.   She is making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

I suppose there may be some drama kings and queens out there, but overall, if your spouse is telling you it’s a problem, it’s a problem. A man’s willingness to receive influence from his wife is another strong predictor of marital success, according to the Gottmans.  So if your attitude about this is just part of your pattern of not being influenced by your wife, research would say that your marriage is headed for trouble. But the good news is that if you've identified this as a problem then you know what to change. It might be wise to confess it to your wife, and tell her you’re sorry. 

3.   I’m just not good at listening.

Sure, some of us have attention deficit issues, but I wonder…  Is it possible that you can listen well when your friend is telling you about something you’re both interested in?  What if you really believed that improving your listening skills would improve other areas of your relationship too?  I’m not trying to be insensitive here, but sometimes it seems to me that inability is really just a lack of motivation.

4.   I don’t care anymore

That’s a problem. Maybe you’re just burnt out from all of the conflict, stress, anger, criticism, etc. in your house. Regular doses of this kind stuff will go a long way toward depleting a couple’s love tank. Or maybe other things may have moved into your relationship to take the priority that should be given to your marriage. In Matthew 6:21 Jesus addressed the issue of what we treasure, and it is implied that we can control what we value. And this gives me a lot of hope that an uncaring attitude can be changed.

Whatever the reason, if you feel like you’re beyond caring there are a few things you might want to think about. Maybe you’re so fed up that leaving seems like the best option. But if you ever want to be married again consider this. Research shows that the best opportunity for a successful relationship is with the person you are currently married to. Also, there were probably good reasons why you got married in the first place. Things that attracted you to each other. It could be time to revisit them. Marriages fail for a lot of reasons, but in my opinion way too many fail simply because either or both people simply quit working at it like they did at the first.

Disclaimer!! This obviously doesn’t apply to an abusive relationship – more about that next time.

5.    I have found someone else.

If this is a real person, or pornography, the research referenced above applies. In the moment that may seem farfetched, the person you are currently having an affair with probably seems perfect. (An expert in couples having affairs calls it “being on the drug”). But if he or she is willing to cheat with you, what makes you think he or she is not willing to cheat on you? If it’s porn, it’s probably an addiction. Get help. In all of these cases, it’s an escape. The harder route of working on the relationship instead of escaping into a fantasy world will bring you more happiness and satisfaction in the end.

One last thought – which should have been the first. Pray!! If your spouse is willing, pray together! God is for you, and His intentions toward you are good. I think the reason He hates divorce is because of all the hurt it causes to everyone involved.

To summarize, you might have what looks like a good reason not to try to communicate with your spouse. But in most cases, if you are willing to put forth some effort in this area, you will be glad you did.