Previously I explored some ways that communication can fail.  A short summary of those ways is:

• problems saying what we mean

• barriers between the speaker and listener including

1. our preconceived ideas,
2. our emotional responses to particular issues,
3. fatigue of the listener
4. and multi-tasking,

• problems with how we understand what we hear

How do we work through these problems? 

Let’s start on the problem of saying what we mean and understanding what we hear.  We can misunderstand our spouse even when we’re not upset about a hot-button issue.  Sometimes we simply don’t understand the needs behind the words our partner uses.  For example, when my wife tells me “I don’t want to talk to the teacher about the problems that our son is having” she could mean several things.  She could be venting her frustration at having to deal with our son’s problems.  She could be expressing her fear of having to confront an issue.  She could also be wishing that I would do it instead of her.

How do I know what she means? 

Reflective listening - that’s what experts call it.  But another way it’s described is the McDonald’s communication method.  Think about using the drive-through at McDonald’s.  Here’s what happens:

Them: Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?

Me: Yes, I’d like 3 double cheesburgers, 2 ten piece chicken nuggets, 2 chicken sandwiches, and 1 bacon McDouble, 4 large fries, 7 waters, 1 large Dr. Pepper, and lots of napkins (BTW-this is for the whole family, and this is the dramatically shortened version).

Them: OK, so you want 3 double cheesburgers, 2 ten piece chicken nuggets, 2 chicken sandwiches, and 1 bacon McDouble, 4 large fries, 7 waters, and 1 large Diet Coke.

Me: Almost!  It’s a Dr. Pepper, not a Diet Coke.  And don’t forget the napkins – we don’t have to pay extra for them, do we?

Them: OK…(you get the idea, they repeat back until they know they understand what you want).

In the same way, I can use reflective listening to get a better understanding of what my wife is telling me:

Dawn: I don’t want to talk to the teacher about the problems that our son is having.

Scott: You’re saying you don’t want to discuss the problems that Joe (a fictional name used to protect the “innocent”) is having about his workload with the teacher?

Dawn: Yes, it’s really hard for me to approach Mr. Smith, he was my math teacher when I was in high school and I’m still intimidated by him.  

In this case, the reflective listening did two things:

1.       it tells her I have listened to her

2.       it invites her to explain herself further.

The idea is to paraphrase what the other person said as a question.  More on the next blog.  I’m also still working on some videos.

The beautiful graphic I put together for my last blog shows several areas where communication breaks down.  In addition to problems with how we express what we say and how someone else understands what they hear, the graphic shows “barriers”.  What are these barriers to listening?  Here are a few:

Perception.  Many things influence how well we listen, one is our opinion or perception of the speaker.  Our perception about a person, situation or subject can influence how receptive we are to what they have to say and how much we are willing to pay attention.  If we have negative perceptions of the speaker we are not as likely to pay attention to what they say as if we have a positive or non-judgmental perception of the person. 

Hot Button Issues.  It is possible for us to have strong emotions associated with a topic, “hot button” issues.  When someone pushes the hot button we tend to interpret what we hear through our past experiences, beliefs or biases connected to what the other person is saying and may be inclined to tune out the speaker, or plan rebuttals instead of listening.  Also, when we experience strong emotions it can be difficult to listen effectively.

Fatigue.  The time of day or our overall health can also be factors that hinder our ability to listen. Fatigue matters since listening takes effort and we tend to put less effort into listening when we’re tired.  The “time-lag” element of communication can also be a problem; the average talker speaks at about 200 words per minute but listeners can usually process words at about 300 to 500 words per minute.  Energy is required to not lose focus on during the lag time. 

Multi-tasking.  Research has shown how multi-tasking reduces the IQ to a fraction of a focused brain’s capacity.  So even if it is true (as some teenagers claim) that they can listen while doing other things, they are less intelligent while they do it!  But it’s more likely they don’t listen as well.  Scientists note that exposure to more and newer stimulating technology causes our brains to move away from more fundamental and contemplative skills.  So not only does the noise in the ear buds interfere with our hearing, but the constant stimulation makes us less able to listen!

OK, that’s several ways communication can go wrong.  What about some help with making it go right?  We’ll get to that in the next post.

In addition to information from the Drs. Gottman, other sources of information used include Why Don’t We Listen Better by J. Petersen and Listening-The Forgotten Art by M. Burley-Allen.

Research has shown that listening comprises the largest portion of communication.  The estimated breakdown is:

Writing            9%
Reading         16%
Speaking        30%
Listening        45%

But have you ever had any specific training on listening? 

No?  Well, listen up; we’ll go through some listening basics.

What is the difference between listening and hearing?  Hearing is defined as the awareness or perception of sound; listening is making a conscious effort to hear.  So the big difference between listening and hearing is that listening requires effort!

Why is listening so important?  Acknowledgement is a basic, universal human need.  People will generally be more likely to respond better to someone who meets that need than to someone who doesn’t.  Listening skills can also result in more friends and social networks, increased self-esteem, and improved academic performance.  In marriage, a partner’s unwillingness to listen could be a harbinger of the end of a relationship according to Gottman Institute research.

Now you might be thinking: “I have used listening skills all my life, so is this discussion really necessary?”

In response I want to point you to my little graphic that shows what can take place in communication. It also shows why I’m a counselor and not an artist.

As the picture shows, my thought must become words. The words must overcome various barriers to be heard by the other person.  Being heard by the other person must ultimately result in being understood by them.  And there are several ways here where things could go wrong.

The Biblical basis of marriage is found in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2).  At that time God gave His commandment to mankind, gave Adam work to do and instituted marriage.  The setting was paradise, and it’s easy to imagine that the first marriage was wonderful.  Likewise, many people dream of a marriage to another person that will be paradise.  But in most cases the early euphoria of the relationship gives way to disappointments and hurts.  As the disappointments and hurts accumulate, people sometimes see divorce as the only solution.  Why does this radical change occur?

Research supported reasons for divorce include communication problems, conflict management and sex and intimacy.  More specifically, Gottman Institute (www.gottman.com) research shows couples divorce at 5-7 years due to high conflict, and at 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy and connection.  

A common thread that runs through all of these reasons is selfishness.  But how do we deal with our own selfishness? 

The Christ-follower has at least two powerful tools at their disposal: the Holy Spirit and the teachings of the Bible.  While it’s not something I hear a lot about, Jesus told His disciples that anyone who “…come(s) after me, he must deny himself…”  So in my opinion the first step toward a better marriage is to take Biblical teaching seriously (the house-on-the-rock kind of thing). 

But devoted Christians can have problems in their marriages too. Also, some problems such as communication issues and conflict management can be dramatically improved with good information and effort.  So I would like to take several blog posts to deal with communication problems, conflict management, and intimacy and connection.

Thanks for visiting my blog! 

The main thrust of GCC’s ministry is counseling, but I am trying to do some writing as well.  I want this blog to provide information about improving relationships to those who may never come to counseling.  I’ve observed that couples don’t come to counseling until things are pretty bad.  At that point usually a lot of damage to the relationship has been done.  My hope is that this blog can provide couples with relationship tools to use before too much damage occurs.  I plan to provide updates periodically and accompany some of my blogs with videos.