Signs That You Need Marriage Counseling

Six Symptoms of a Sick Relationship

What does Dr. Gottman observe that makes him so likely to correctly predict an impending divorce?  He observes six behaviors that are the symptoms of a sick, troubled relationship. A marriage counselor who sees these behaviors in the couple’s interaction could predict that their relationship may not last. All these behaviors have to do with how couples handle their conflicts. However, it is important to note that fighting is not the problem. Many couples with thriving relationships fight. A couple who never fights likely is ignoring things that they should be dealing with. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott point out that in marriages, buried issues have a high rate of resurrection. 

The first “symptom” has to do with how a couple begins conflict.  It’s called a “harsh startup”. A harsh startup is a way of beginning a conversation with anger, intensity, attacks, blaming, and accusations. It might look like:

What is wrong with you? Do you ever think about anyone other than yourself? For the millionth time, you’ve shown me what a total loser you are!

Phil and Marie were recently together with friends. Phil made some comments about Marie that he and some of the others thought were funny. Marie did not.  Some of what was said was very embarrassing to her. Now Phil and Marie are in my counseling office. I comment that she seems distressed and ask her to share how she feels. She turns to Phil: “I am SO mad at you! You always make cruel jokes about my weight! What is wrong with you? Do you ever think about anyone other than yourself? For the millionth time, you’ve shown me what a total loser you are!”

As you can see, a harsh startup is a negative, accusatory attack. Marie is not just complaining about what happened. She is saying that there is something fundamentally wrong with Phil. It is important to note that she might feel justified in saying what she did in the way she said it. But beginning a conversation in this way is not likely to help the rest of the conversation be productive. Instead, most conversations that begin with harsh startup move exchanges of accusations, insults, and eventually stony silence. Research shows that a harsh startup is a symptom that predicts marriage decline and divorce. ​

The Four Horsemen of Divorce 

The second “symptom” of relationship distress a marriage counselor might observe is the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”. It’s a Biblical reference to a time when the end of the world is close. These four horsemen are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. They are given this title because when they start showing up in a relationship, the end is near! 

• Criticism – an attack on the partner’s character, not the thing they did that upset the other. It is attacking who they are. Critical statements often begin “You always…” or You never…”. Criticism is different from complaining. When we complain we are stating our dislike for a choice, habit, etc., not the person who is doing it. For example, Phil doesn’t like that Marie has gained some weight. He says to her, “You always just think about yourself! You know it turns me off that you’re overweight!” 
• Contempt – This is the condition where one partner considers themself superior to the other. They could mock, ridicule, or mimic their spouse to make them feel despised and worthless. The main purpose of a contemptuous comment is to make it clear that the other person is inferior. For example, Marie was hurt and angered by Phil’s comment. She says, “You are such a pervert! Poor Baby (said sarcastically)! Is sex all you ever think about? Get your mind out of the gutter!”
• Defensiveness – It’s defined as “speech or behavior in which someone is eager to avoid being criticized”. When a partner is defensive, they will give excuses or play the innocent victim. Defensiveness will escalate conflict because it is an attempt to shift the blame back on the accuser. Continuing the example, Phil was upset by Marie’s contempt. He says, “I’m not being a pervert! Other men would say the same thing! It’s not my fault you gained that weight!” 
• Stonewalling – This occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction and becomes silent. Often, they have been overwhelmed by the negativity of the first three horsemen. They will simply not respond to the partner’s comments and will look down or away. Research indicates this is usually a response of the male in the relationship. In our example, Phil and Marie’s argument continues to escalate, finally, Phil quits responding to Marie’s comments. Marie continues to ask for a response, but Phil crosses his arms and looks down. Finally, Marie gives up and leaves the room.

Sound Too Familiar? ​

I plan to deal with more of the symptoms in another blog. But, do any of the symptoms I’ve talked about so far sound familiar?  If so, I encourage you to consider marriage counseling now. Marriage counseling becomes less effective the longer it is postponed. But there is hope! I am a Christian marriage counselor, and I would be honored to meet with you and hear what is going on in your relationship. May God bless you and encourage you to persevere in living for Him.