Fatigue, multi-tasking, and pride/attitude problems.

Fatigue can be a problem since listening takes effort.  When we’re tired we don’t have the energy to work at it as hard as when we’re not.  Also, remember the average talker speaks at about 200 words per minute but listeners can usually process words at about 300 to 500 words per minute.  That’s a challenge when we’re not tired.  Clearly, being tired can make it worse.  

So this one’s simple.  Don’t talk about sensitive stuff when you’re tired!!  Yes, the Bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger.  But it would be wise to take that as an exhortation to deal constructively with anger in a timely manner.  To try to resolve a sensitive topic when either of you is tired “…has bad idea written all over it”.  Enough said.

BTW, a suggestion on the time lag problem.  If your mind is wandering, try repeating mentally what the other is saying while they are speaking.

Multi-tasking is a problem, too.  Research has demonstrated that people who try to multi-task show a marked decrease in ability to think about any one of the tasks they are trying to complete.  Said another way: multi-tasking usually results not in doing several things sort of well but in doing several things poorly.  So not only does the noise from the ear buds interfere with our hearing, but the constant stimulation makes us less able to listen.  What does that say about trying to have a conversation while the radio or TV is on?  So if you want better communication, take out the earbuds and turn off the noisemakers.  Even if you don’t think you’re listening to or watching the electronic device.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott give a few other reasons we don’t listen well: 

·         An attitude of pride – when I think I have nothing to learn from someone else,

·         Leaping to a conclusion about what the other person is saying,

·         Pre-judging motives of the speaker.

Any of these involve an assumption that we know better than the other person.  Any of these will also prevent the listener from receiving the speaker’s message.  

Communication problems due to fatigue, multi-tasking or other external extractions are pretty easily fixed.  But an attitude of pride is much more difficult problem. 

If I see that my pride is the problem, how will I fix it?  The Bible teaches that we can “…humble [ourselves] in the sight of the Lord…” (James 4:10).  Humbling ourselves is simple, it means not having to always be right, being willing to say I’m sorry, not thinking too highly of our own perspective, being aware of the feelings and needs of others.  If we are truly honest, I think most of us know how to humble ourselves; we’re more concerned about why. 

To answer this I could quote a lot of statistics. But bottom line, this is the question to consider:

Is serving your pride worth damaging your relationship? 

That’s a great question to consider any time we have to choose between promoting ourselves and serving someone else.

Another barrier to communication that I’ve touched on is defensiveness. 

Defensiveness in communication is a problem because when it occurs, listening stops. We focus on how to respond, not on what the other is saying.  

So how do we get through this barrier? To start with, let’s think about what makes us to defensive.  

Defensiveness usually happens when we perceive a threat to ourselves.  This usually happens when we feel attacked, criticized, misunderstood or disrespected.  It can happen if we don’t take responsibility too.  It’s a natural response to hearing something that makes us uncomfortable.  But being natural doesn’t make it good for our relationships.  Here’s an example:

Dawn:  Why didn’t you get the insurance company called like I asked? (Could be attacking)

Scott:  Why did I need to do that?  Work’s crazy right now, besides, what are you doing all day?  Why is it I have to take care of all of these details?  (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about this!  And do you think I don’t do anything around here?  That’s really unfair!!  I do a lot around here, and you hardly lift a finger to help!! (Escalation, attacking)

In this example, Dawn felt attacked because I was attacking.  But any chance at healthy communication was lost when she became defensive and started firing back.  I share in the blame but she can’t control what I say, just how she responds.

So here are some good “be” suggestions I’ve seen for dealing with defensiveness:

• Be empathetic!  Whether I agree with her or not, she’s feeling what she’s feeling.  And if I identify with that, it could calm the situation enough for us to move out of defensiveness. 
  
  
• Be non-judgmental!  She is probably bringing it up because she thinks I will listen, and I can improve my relationship if I will listen instead of quickly dismissing what she says.
  
  
• Be responsible!  She might have a good reason to ask me about the task, and it certainly would end better if I didn’t get defensive.  A humble “I’m sorry”, if appropriate, could improve my relationship more than needing to always be right.  But remember, being the only one who says I’m sorry isn’t healthy, either.
  
  

One other thought: a soft startup will help tone down a conversation that has the potential to bring out defensiveness.  This means complaining instead of criticizing or attacking.  According to Gottman, “If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally--you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup…the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy" (emphasis mine).

So let’s try another potentially defensive conversation using this advice.

Dawn:  Hey, what was this $350 charge on the VISA card from Bass Pro Shop? (soft startup)

Scott:  Ohh!  That would be the handgun I bought.  I was meaning to tell you about it, but it’s been a crazy week, and I’ve wanted it for a long time. (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about talking about it before we bought anything over $100.  It makes me feel afraid when you spend money on something that impacts our budget like that.  (Complaint, a criticism would be “You always spend more than you should…”)

Scott:  I can understand how it would make you to feel afraid when you see a big charge like that you weren’t expecting.  I’m sorry, I should have told you. (Empathy, responsibility)

It’s not hard to imagine how this conversation would have gone if she had started out more harshly and if I hadn’t chosen to be empathetic and take responsibility. 

Again, according to Gottman, if most of your arguments start gently, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.