November 05th, 2014

Another barrier to communication that I’ve touched on is defensiveness. 

Defensiveness in communication is a problem because when it occurs, listening stops. We focus on how to respond, not on what the other is saying.  

So how do we get through this barrier? To start with, let’s think about what makes us to defensive.  

Defensiveness usually happens when we perceive a threat to ourselves.  This usually happens when we feel attacked, criticized, misunderstood or disrespected.  It can happen if we don’t take responsibility too.  It’s a natural response to hearing something that makes us uncomfortable.  But being natural doesn’t make it good for our relationships.  Here’s an example:

Dawn:  Why didn’t you get the insurance company called like I asked? (Could be attacking)

Scott:  Why did I need to do that?  Work’s crazy right now, besides, what are you doing all day?  Why is it I have to take care of all of these details?  (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about this!  And do you think I don’t do anything around here?  That’s really unfair!!  I do a lot around here, and you hardly lift a finger to help!! (Escalation, attacking)

In this example, Dawn felt attacked because I was attacking.  But any chance at healthy communication was lost when she became defensive and started firing back.  I share in the blame but she can’t control what I say, just how she responds.

So here are some good “be” suggestions I’ve seen for dealing with defensiveness:

• Be empathetic!  Whether I agree with her or not, she’s feeling what she’s feeling.  And if I identify with that, it could calm the situation enough for us to move out of defensiveness. 
  
  
• Be non-judgmental!  She is probably bringing it up because she thinks I will listen, and I can improve my relationship if I will listen instead of quickly dismissing what she says.
  
  
• Be responsible!  She might have a good reason to ask me about the task, and it certainly would end better if I didn’t get defensive.  A humble “I’m sorry”, if appropriate, could improve my relationship more than needing to always be right.  But remember, being the only one who says I’m sorry isn’t healthy, either.
  
  

One other thought: a soft startup will help tone down a conversation that has the potential to bring out defensiveness.  This means complaining instead of criticizing or attacking.  According to Gottman, “If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally--you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup…the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy" (emphasis mine).

So let’s try another potentially defensive conversation using this advice.

Dawn:  Hey, what was this $350 charge on the VISA card from Bass Pro Shop? (soft startup)

Scott:  Ohh!  That would be the handgun I bought.  I was meaning to tell you about it, but it’s been a crazy week, and I’ve wanted it for a long time. (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about talking about it before we bought anything over $100.  It makes me feel afraid when you spend money on something that impacts our budget like that.  (Complaint, a criticism would be “You always spend more than you should…”)

Scott:  I can understand how it would make you to feel afraid when you see a big charge like that you weren’t expecting.  I’m sorry, I should have told you. (Empathy, responsibility)

It’s not hard to imagine how this conversation would have gone if she had started out more harshly and if I hadn’t chosen to be empathetic and take responsibility. 

Again, according to Gottman, if most of your arguments start gently, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.

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