One more blog on Boundaries in Marriage.

To this point what’s been covered in the blog/videos is how boundaries in marriages can be used to help both partners have a voice in the relationship.  But when we emphasize this, there’s plenty of potential for misunderstanding.  I think the greatest potential misunderstanding we have is to interpret boundaries as a method of getting our spouse to do what we want.  But boundaries are first about us. 

Here’s an example.  The couple’s fictional, but the issue is real.  When Bill and Brenda got married, Bill wasn’t really ready to “leave and cleave”.  He came from a tight-knit family while Brenda was more independent.  Over the next three years, Bill consistently made the decision to be with his family on holidays, vacations and lots of other times.  When they would talk about their plans for the weekend or the vacation, Brenda would tell Bill she wanted to be with her family, or she wanted to do something with friends, but Bill would always come up with a reason they had to be with his family.  Brenda didn’t like it, but didn’t want to make waves so she silently endured as her frustration grew.  She would become more resentful, sullen and withdrawn each time they were with his family.  Bill felt hurt and frustrated by the change in his normally cheerful and sweet wife.  This was becoming a big area of conflict in their marriage.

Finally, Brenda made a decision.  She took last year’s calendar and added up all of the times they had been with Bill’s family and all of the times they had done what she wanted to do.  Then she and Bill had a talk.  She told him “I love you and I’m willing to spend some time with your family.  But over the last year we were with your family 46 weekends and both of our vacations.  That shows me that my desires for what I do with our free time aren’t being honored.  So this year I am willing to be with your family 23 weekends and for one of our vacations.  The other times I will to choose where we go or what we do.  If you choose to be with your family more than this I won’t come along.”

As you might guess, this wasn’t very popular with Bill.  But over the next year Brenda stuck to her commitment.  When Bill made it clear he wasn’t going to limit the number of weekends he was with his family, Brenda began taking some weekends for herself.  And before long Bill realized he missed being with his wife, especially since she was becoming less resentful, sullen, and withdrawn.  He decided to work out a mutually agreeable schedule with her for their time off.

In this story Brenda established some boundaries in the relationship, but she began by establishing boundaries in herself.  She didn’t want to stand up to Bill and she didn’t want to be without him during her time off.  But she realized that she needed to do these things for the good of the relationship.  Also, consistent with Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:5, Brenda needed to deal with her own issues before she could help someone else.  She needed to be proactive in addressing her resentment and anger and her fear of conflict so that she could help her husband.  She needed to work on a boundary within herself before she worked on a boundary with her husband.

In the story, what Brenda did was to take ownership of her life.  She had to take Cloud and Townsend’s advice: “We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse’s.”  

Being more deeply concerned about my own issues moves the opportunity to change back to me.  As long as I am focused on my wife’s problems, and how she needs to change I am conveniently overlooking my own problems.  And I’m not able to change her anyhow; the person I have the most ability to change is me.  But even more than my own abilities, my best opportunity for personal change and growth comes from acknowledging to God that I’m not able to do it on my own, and that I need Jesus’ help.

Another good effect of setting boundaries on ourselves is that we free our spouse to choose to grow.  In the story of Bill and Brenda, as long as Brenda went along with Bill’s immature approach to separating from his family of origin, he didn’t have to choose between his family and her.  After she set the boundary of limiting the time with his family, Bill can choose to mature (separate from his parents).  

So setting boundaries with ourselves (choosing and doing things we may prefer not to do) for the good of our relationships will often allow for improvements in our marriage.  But I should point out that our spouse may not choose the path of growth.  What then?  You have still set up a boundary to make the relationship better for you, and you have grown from doing it.  Continue to pray, God isn’t through with any of us yet.

I hope to finish up boundaries next time.

Saturday evening the call came in: they needed help on the levees.

We live near a tributary to the Mississippi River, and further west and north of us the watershed had received a lot of rain.  Official estimates predicted the crest of the river surge to be above the levees along this tributary near our little town.  So the call went out for volunteers to make, move and place sandbags along the top of about ½ mile of the levee. 

The people came.  Probably at least 100 people were there. 

And they worked.  Hard.  From about 5 PM on Saturday night until 3:30 Sunday morning.  We started again about 9 Sunday morning when there was concern the water was going to rise even more. 

We finally quit at about 3:00 Sunday afternoon.  The water, which had risen higher than the levees in some places, was being held back by the sandbags.

What was gained by our “victory” over the river?  At least 2 houses, a post office, and a lot of crops were saved from the flood.  It was incredible to see so many from the nearby church and the community work together.

But it got me thinking about a verse in Isaiah 59:19 that says “...when the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him”.  How many times have I seen “the enemy come in like a flood”?  Just in my lifetime, I’ve seen a dramatic shift in the morals of our land.  I’ve seen a truly scary rise in Biblical ignorance from those who self-identify as Christians.  I’ve seen the poor and weak oppressed, and I’ve seen our nation doing less and less to protect them.

With all of this kind of flooding, have I ever worked through the night to stop the flood – so to speak?

Have I ever spent a late night with others or even by myself praying for the revival of God’s people?  For many unchurched people to be saved?  For God to raise up workers to help among the weak and oppressed? 

The answer is “no.”  But I want to change that about myself.  What about you? 

From the Bible and from my own experience, I believe that God works when people pray.  And whether we think we’re good at it or not, anyone can pray.  So, are you with me?  Will you work against the flood?  I look forward to seeing what God will do!