A Summary of Boundaries in Marriage – Speaking the Truth in Love

My intent in doing these blogs is to introduce good resources for marriages and families.  In the current series about Boundaries in Marriage I’ve discussed what boundaries are and how they work.  I wanted to spend the rest of this entry going over some of the other boundary-related issues addressed in Cloud & Townsend’s book.  These are discussed below.

The requirement for the “oneness” that most of us want in relationships is two healthy individuals.  All of us need to overcome our tendency to think the world revolves around us to become emotionally healthy.  A healthy individual allows the person they love to have freedom in the relationship, not control.  An unhealthy person will assume they always need to be happy, and this will damage all of their relationships. 

Instead of this unhealthy mindset we need to make the following positive choices.  Choosing to love God, to love your spouse, to be honest, to be faithful, to be compassionate and forgiving, and to be holy will put your relationship on the path to being the best it can be.  When we love God, we are willing to obey Him, and He gives us reasons to stay together and the power to change.  When we love our spouse we identify with her to the point that we feel the effects of our behavior on her.  When we are honest with each other, we are more likely to talk about things that, though difficult, can lead us to greater intimacy.  When we are faithful to each other it will mean being sexually faithful and also faithful with our hearts.  When we are compassionate and forgiving, we are able to deal with the fact that both of us are not perfect.  When we choose holiness we are without blame, pure and whole, better able to pursue love and to get rid of things that get in love’s way.

There is always a danger of intruders in the marriage relationship.  Both spouses must diligently guard against the intrusions of such things as work, children, TV, in-laws, church, etc.  All marriages need outside support, and no marriage has all of the resources both partners will need, but be careful what outside supports you chose.  For example, the wife who confides more in her mother than in her husband is likely preventing growth in her relationship with her husband.  The husband who is overcommitted to his job (or ministry) is also damaging the relationship with the one he committed his life to.  It’s also very important to remember that parenting is temporary while marriage is supposed to be permanent. 

Cloud and Townsend identify several types of conflict including: sin of one spouse, immaturity or brokenness of one person, hurt feelings that are no one’s fault, and desires of one person versus the needs of the relationship.  They also describe some “rules” for how do deal with each type of conflict. 

When conflict involves the sin of one spouse, humility and grace are needed.  Then the offended spouse will be able to understand they are not better than the one who offended them.  But while we need to be soft on the person, it’s important to be hard on the issue. 

When conflict is due to the immaturity or brokenness of one partner, it will be necessary for the other partner to accept the reality of the situation, communicate support to their spouse, and develop a plan. 

When feelings are hurt but no one is to blame, develop a plan to avoid causing the hurts in the first place.  When there are conflicting desires, don’t moralize your own preference, and consider meet your spouse’s needs before your own.

If conflict is around the needs of one person versus the needs of the relationship, it’s good to remember that marriage needs to come first, but individual needs should also be considered. 

A final note on boundaries in marriage is that they can be misused.  Boundaries are not about escaping responsibility.  If a spouse doesn’t communicate when they have set boundaries but only enforces them, this is a misuse of boundaries.  Also, if the spouse who sets the boundaries isn’t willing to take ownership of their part of the problem, a misuse of boundaries has occurred. 

Overall, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend is a great resource for your marriage if you struggle with maintaining a sense of individual freedom and personal integrity in the marriage.  The authors do a great job of helping the reader apply Ephesians 4:15  (“… speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,” NASB).  And that’s the way I want to summarize the concept so it’s easy for us to remember: Boundaries are about speaking the truth in love.  Here’s an example to help us with the overall concept.

Jay is a very structured person; he’s on time, on schedule and organized.  Terry is less so.  She’s very artistic and creative, and sometimes she gets so involved in the moment that all of her other responsibilities, commitments and obligations are forgotten.  Obviously, this is pretty frustrating to Jay, he’s been annoyed by it since they’ve been married and has nagged, criticized and complained about it over the 10 years they’ve been married.  But then he’d make excuses for her or try to prevent her (or both of them) from experiencing the consequences of her poor time management.  Finally someone directed him to a book on boundaries, and he decided to set up a boundary around this issue.  He realized he will have to speak the truth to Terry, but do it in a loving way.  So he came to Terry after dinner and asked if they could talk.  He knew this was about the lowest stress time in her day, and he chose it because they needed to have a hard conversation. 

Jay: “Terry, for the last few years I’ve nagged you a lot about trying to get places on time, and I’ve realized that’s not what I should be doing.  Even though I’ve said things and been upset with you, I’ve never stood up for what I wanted in this area.  But now I want to try something different.”

Terry: “I still don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but what are you going to do?”

Jay: “It is a big deal for me, and it’s inconsiderate of others.  So I’ve decided that when it’s time to leave for anything we’re planning to go to I’m going to leave if you’re ready or if you’re not.”

Terry didn’t like the idea, but Jay realized he needed to give her the freedom to experience the consequences of being irresponsible with her time management.  The test came a few days later when they were supposed to go to dinner with friends.  They were scheduled to meet at 6:00, and it took 15 minutes to get there.  At 5:45 Jay saw that Terry was still working away in her studio, so he left for dinner without her.  When Terry finally realized that Jay had left she was too embarrassed to join them for dinner and chose to stay home by herself.  This kind of thing happened several times over the next few weeks, with Terry opting to stay home each time. 

But the game changer was an invite to Terry’s parents’ house about a month later.  They were supposed to come for lunch on Saturday at noon.  Since they lived an hour away, Jay was ready to go at 11:00, but Terry was in the middle of a project and clearly hadn’t thought at all about getting ready to go.  Jay didn’t want to go by himself and he didn’t want both of them to drive that far, but he knew he needed to maintain this boundary so he left.  When Terry got to her parents’ house (two hours later) Jay and her parents were as kind to her as ever.  Terry’s sisters weren’t.  After that, Terry got an appointment calendar app on her phone to warn her in advance of scheduled events. 

Since then Terry has seen that it was good for their relationship for Jay to set up a boundary around this issue.  They are having less conflict about it, but also Jay is more pleasant to be around because he’s not as frustrated about her poor time management.

In this example, Jay suffered in silence some of the time, but found that his frustration was often coming out as the nagging and complaining.  After setting the boundary, he saw that it was actually not loving to prevent Terry from experiencing the consequences of her irresponsibility.  This had prevented her from growing and experiencing victory in an area where she had felt like a failure for years.  His boundary helped her develop her own boundary.

So if you have identified yourself in any of the information I’ve shared, pick up a copy of Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.  You may find that setting boundaries with yourself and in your marriage is one of the best things you’ll ever do for your relationship.

One more blog on Boundaries in Marriage.

To this point what’s been covered in the blog/videos is how boundaries in marriages can be used to help both partners have a voice in the relationship.  But when we emphasize this, there’s plenty of potential for misunderstanding.  I think the greatest potential misunderstanding we have is to interpret boundaries as a method of getting our spouse to do what we want.  But boundaries are first about us. 

Here’s an example.  The couple’s fictional, but the issue is real.  When Bill and Brenda got married, Bill wasn’t really ready to “leave and cleave”.  He came from a tight-knit family while Brenda was more independent.  Over the next three years, Bill consistently made the decision to be with his family on holidays, vacations and lots of other times.  When they would talk about their plans for the weekend or the vacation, Brenda would tell Bill she wanted to be with her family, or she wanted to do something with friends, but Bill would always come up with a reason they had to be with his family.  Brenda didn’t like it, but didn’t want to make waves so she silently endured as her frustration grew.  She would become more resentful, sullen and withdrawn each time they were with his family.  Bill felt hurt and frustrated by the change in his normally cheerful and sweet wife.  This was becoming a big area of conflict in their marriage.

Finally, Brenda made a decision.  She took last year’s calendar and added up all of the times they had been with Bill’s family and all of the times they had done what she wanted to do.  Then she and Bill had a talk.  She told him “I love you and I’m willing to spend some time with your family.  But over the last year we were with your family 46 weekends and both of our vacations.  That shows me that my desires for what I do with our free time aren’t being honored.  So this year I am willing to be with your family 23 weekends and for one of our vacations.  The other times I will to choose where we go or what we do.  If you choose to be with your family more than this I won’t come along.”

As you might guess, this wasn’t very popular with Bill.  But over the next year Brenda stuck to her commitment.  When Bill made it clear he wasn’t going to limit the number of weekends he was with his family, Brenda began taking some weekends for herself.  And before long Bill realized he missed being with his wife, especially since she was becoming less resentful, sullen, and withdrawn.  He decided to work out a mutually agreeable schedule with her for their time off.

In this story Brenda established some boundaries in the relationship, but she began by establishing boundaries in herself.  She didn’t want to stand up to Bill and she didn’t want to be without him during her time off.  But she realized that she needed to do these things for the good of the relationship.  Also, consistent with Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:5, Brenda needed to deal with her own issues before she could help someone else.  She needed to be proactive in addressing her resentment and anger and her fear of conflict so that she could help her husband.  She needed to work on a boundary within herself before she worked on a boundary with her husband.

In the story, what Brenda did was to take ownership of her life.  She had to take Cloud and Townsend’s advice: “We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse’s.”  

Being more deeply concerned about my own issues moves the opportunity to change back to me.  As long as I am focused on my wife’s problems, and how she needs to change I am conveniently overlooking my own problems.  And I’m not able to change her anyhow; the person I have the most ability to change is me.  But even more than my own abilities, my best opportunity for personal change and growth comes from acknowledging to God that I’m not able to do it on my own, and that I need Jesus’ help.

Another good effect of setting boundaries on ourselves is that we free our spouse to choose to grow.  In the story of Bill and Brenda, as long as Brenda went along with Bill’s immature approach to separating from his family of origin, he didn’t have to choose between his family and her.  After she set the boundary of limiting the time with his family, Bill can choose to mature (separate from his parents).  

So setting boundaries with ourselves (choosing and doing things we may prefer not to do) for the good of our relationships will often allow for improvements in our marriage.  But I should point out that our spouse may not choose the path of growth.  What then?  You have still set up a boundary to make the relationship better for you, and you have grown from doing it.  Continue to pray, God isn’t through with any of us yet.

I hope to finish up boundaries next time.

We are now through eight of the 10 Laws of Boundaries: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, (4) Respect, (5) Motivation, (6) Evaluation, (7) Activity, and (8) Exposure.  We’ll go over nine and ten this time.

Next is the Law of Activity. It deals with the need work at fixing problems instead of being passive.  When one spouse is active and the other is passive, a number of problems can develop.  The passive spouse may become too dependent on the other’s initiative.  The passive spouse may resent the other.  The passive spouse may be controlled by the active one.  It’s easy to see that the active spouse will generally be in a better position in the relationship than the passive one, but it’-s possible to change.  Cloud and Townsend encourage the passive spouse to tell the active one how difficult it is to be more active, and to ask them for help.

The Law of Exposure is the 10th Law.  It asserts that we all have boundaries in our marriages, but we may not always tell our spouses about them.  A boundary can only work when we communicate with each other about it.  The idea here is to promote both love and truth in our relationships.  If we love our spouse we need to tell them the truth.  Let’s have another Jack and Jill story to illustrate.

In comparison to each other, Jill is active while Jack is passive.  In some ways this works to Jill’s advantage, since Jack tends to disengage when he came home from work.  Because of this, Jill rarely fought with Jack about parenting since Jack really didn’t participate.  Earlier in their marriage, they had a few knock-down, drag-out verbal fights about his strictness and her permissiveness.  But Jill was better with her words and Jack ended up retreating to his corner defeated.  This only happened a few times and Jack decided he didn’t want to continue to lose these fights.  So Jack disengaged from parenting.  This hurts him because he’s not as close to his kids as he could be.  It hurt her because she could benefit from his participation in parenting.  It also hurt the children because they need a dad. 

After talking to a counselor, Jack uses the law of exposure. He tells Jill that he wants to have a conversation with her about how they argue.  Jack tells Jill that when it comes to verbal debate he feels like she comes to the fight with a fully armed battleship while he comes with a cap gun.  So he knows that if they are going to have a verbal debate he will lose.  He tells Jill, “I’m not always wrong; I’m just not as good at arguing as you.”  And then he asks Jill if she will help him to present his side of the argument instead of just shutting down.  She is willing to try since she wants him to be engaged with the family anyhow.

At the end of this list, I would like to reiterate: the reason for going over these laws is to help us understand principles related to setting boundaries in relationships.  These boundaries can sound selfish or harsh at times, but they really reflect a level of honesty that sometimes can be lacking in relationships. 

I’m continuing with the Laws of Boundaries in Marriage as a part of the discussion about working with a spouse who won’t cooperate.  So far we’ve looked at the first four Laws: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, and (4) Respect.

The fifth Law is the Law of Motivation.  Cloud and Townsend explain it like this: “No one can actually love another if he feels he doesn’t have a choice not to.”  If this law is misunderstood, could become selfishness – when we only choose to do what we want to do.  What is this law saying?  Simply this: avoid situations where one spouse feels like they can’t say “no” to their partner’s request because they are afraid of the consequences. 

To help us understand, here’s an example from a couple I’ve made up.  Jill has a close relationship with her mom; she wants to be with her mom at least twice a month.  But Jill and her husband Jack live several hours away from Jill’s mom.  Jack gives in to Jill and goes with her to see her mother on weekends two or three times a month, but he drags his feet the whole time.  He complains about her mother on the way there and on the way back.  He is sulky while he at her mother’s house.  He also makes sure that all of their friends know what a martyr he is to be with her mother so often. 

Why is he acting like that?  It’s because he doesn’t want to go but he’s afraid to tell Jill.  Why is he afraid?  He fears the consequences of telling her.  The consequences are (1) losing the approval of Jill’s mother, and (2) being seen as the bad guy.  So e tries to sweep his feelings under the rug.  But rug is lumpy.  It would be better for their relationship if Jack would follow the law of motivation.  As it is, he gives in to what she wants but then makes her pay for it.  To follow the law of motivation Jack and Jill need to have what will be a difficult conversation. 

The conversation could sound like this: “Jill, I know how much you like to be with your mom and I want to honor that.  But we go there more than I’d like.  I’d like us to be able to reach a compromise on this…”  The rest of the conversation might include how they could structure their travel plans in such a way that they both get some of what they want and they both give the other some of what the other wants.

The Law of Evaluation states: Just because someone is in pain doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is happening.  With this law Cloud and Townsend are pointing out that pain can have a good purpose and when one spouse wants to step in and save the other from pain it may not be a good thing.  To understand this better let’s hear another Jack and Jill story.

Jack and Jill have been married for several years and they both have good jobs.  But Jack really loves to give Jill gifts.  So he takes every opportunity to shower Jill with expensive stuff.  He gives her a trip to Europe for her birthday, a new car for their anniversary, buys a timeshare for Christmas, etc.  Jill keeps track of their finances and she can see that despite the good jobs they have, Jack’s habit of buying expensive gifts has them in serious financial trouble.  But the gifts he buys are for her.  What makes it even harder is that she sees how happy it makes him when she acts thrilled with yet another gift.  It’s hard for her to act happy about each new thing since she knows their finances are in such terrible shape.  But she does it because she just doesn’t want to cause him pain. 

Jill is confusing pain with injury.  It is true that if Jill would have conversation with Jack about how bad those gifts are for their finances, Jack would feel pain.  But that wouldn’t injure him.  In fact, that conversation is certainly what he needs sooner than later.  The pain that Jill thinks she is sparing Jack from is actually just being postponed.  Jack and Jill are in an unsustainable pattern and eventually their creditors will step in and want their money back.

As long as Jill is unwilling to talk to Jack about his spending problem she is actually denying him an opportunity to grow up.  Confronting Jack might cause him pain, but it at least gives him the opportunity for emotional/spiritual growth.  Not confronting him denies him of this opportunity and makes Jill an enabler.

Both of these laws encourage us to be open with our partners instead of taking the easier path of avoiding conflict.  But it’s not hard to see that in the end, being open with our spouse and working through the conflict will be better for our relationships than if we continue to pretend the problems aren’t there. 

I’ve been using these blogs to teach about boundaries in marriage – we got here after talking about communication.  If you remember, we’re addressing the situation when one member of the couple doesn’t want to work on the relationship.  So now we’re going through the 10 Laws of Boundaries in Marriage. 

Law number two is the Law of Responsibility.  Cloud and Townsend summarize it by saying that as couples we are responsible to the other, but not for the other.  The Bible deals with this issue by giving us two unique commands in Galatians 6.  Galatians 6:2 tells us to bear one another’s burdens, and Galatians 6:5 instructs each one to bear his own load.  The difference is that in vs. 2, the Greek word refers to a heavy burden, while in vs 5 the Greek word refers to daily responsibilities. 

How does that apply in marriage?  Well, as married individuals we are in a good position to help our spouse if or when they have difficult things to bear.  For example, if your wife is grieving the loss of a sibling, you can help her carry that grief by being there for her.  If your husband was passed over for a much-expected promotion, you can listen to him (without offering suggestions). Those are examples of bearing the heavy burden of another (Gal 6:2).

But we all have daily responsibilities that are ours to carry.  So the husband who does not love his wife is neglecting the daily responsibility he has taken on by being married.  In this case he is not “bearing his own load” (Gal 6:5).  Or, a wife might feel like she needs to make her grumpy husband happy.  This is a problem because ultimately, his mood is his own daily responsibility.

Law number three - the Law of Power.  This law helps us to understand what we have power over and what we don’t.  We can’t control attitudes and actions of anyone else.  For example, it might be our greatest desire to make our husband spend responsibly, quit drinking, etc., but we do not have the power to do that. 

So what do we have power over?  First, over our own actions/attitudes to a good extent.  We have the power to repent of our sinful ways, to confess them, and even make amends to those we’ve hurt.  We also have the power to ask God for help to change, and to make us willing to change. 

For example, if you’re tired of how your wife regularly puts you down, you could kindly tell her that.  But in the same conversation you can ask her if you are doing things that are hurtful to her.  This is consistent with what Jesus says when He tells us to take the log out of our own eye before we try to take a speck out of someone else’s eye (Matt 7:1-5).  Your attitude of being willing to change might help your wife be willing to change as well. 

We can also influence our spouse.  Say you’ve repeatedly asked your husband to check with you before purchasing items over $100. And say he consistently doesn’t.  After clearly communicating your intent, an appropriate response might be to take steps to separate your finances.

The Law of Respect is next – if we want others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.  In marriage, this means honoring the choices our spouse makes, choices that may be different than ours.  

Here’s an example: early in our marriage, my wife and I would have conflict around household chores.  I was willing to help, but I would often do things the way I had done them as a bachelor.  My wife would want them done the way she was used to doing them.  During a “discussion” about a particular issue (I don’t remember what) I told her “Just because your family does it this way doesn’t make it right.”

I just checked, the Boundaries in Marriage book was written in 1999, and I am sure this “discussion” happened before then.  But my wife didn’t need the book to know that it was a good idea to honor the boundary I set up.  Because she honored my boundary there (and many other times), it’s easier for me to honor her boundaries.

We’ll continue with the Law of Motivation next time.

Thanks for coming to the website, and now I’m back to marriage issues.

I began this series of blogs and videos by talking about how to do communication better in marriage.  Then I transitioned into boundaries in marriage by talking about having a spouse who doesn’t want to try work on the relationship.  So far we’ve talked about boundaries as a method of understanding what we own in the relationship.

For example, I knew someone (I’ll call the person “Jane”) who had regularly treated me in a belittling way.  After most of the times we were together I would leave feeling like Jane didn’t value me at all and led others to devalue me too.  For a long time I struggled with this.  I would often wonder what my problem was, why didn’t Jane treat me with respect and kindness?  After all, that’s how I tried to treat her!  Why didn’t I seem to measure up in Jane’s eyes? 

I thought how Jane treated me was my problem – that I was being touchy.  That prevented me from talking to just about everyone else in my life about it.  But I prayed about it a lot, and what the Lord showed me was that Jane was a part of the problem, too.

If I could have talked to them, Cloud and Townsend might have reminded me that boundaries aren’t about the other person, they are about self-control.  To quote them: “Boundaries help us to know just where someone’s control begins and ends”. 

In my example, I needed to accept that I am not able to control the way Jane acts toward me.  But I am in control of how I respond.  I could use my words as a boundary to establish what I will or will not tolerate.  But instead, I had let my lack of words become a way that I let go of my boundaries.   And my loss of boundaries came at a price.

The price was that I began to resent Jane.  I spent way too much mental energy dwelling on how she had treated me, about what a terrible person she was.  I also didn’t want to be around her.  In social settings, I would try to find ways to avoid her or avoid the entire situation.  That harmed relationships I had with others.

What she did to me was unkind.  But what I did to myself was probably more damaging.  I had not taken the counsel of the Bible in Matthew 18:15.  There Jesus tells us if someone “sins against us” we should talk to them about it individually.  He goes on to say that if we do this and they listen we have “won [our] brother”.   Because I didn’t put up a boundary by saying to Jane “I don’t like it when you…” I allowed myself to experience a number of negative things. I gave myself the opportunity to be stressed when we were together.  I put myself in the position of not enjoying some social situations.  I also distanced myself from her, allowing our relationship to be damaged, and she didn’t know why.  It really wasn’t fair to her or me.  And it all happened because I didn’t maintain my boundaries in that relationship.

So how do we maintain boundaries in relationships?  Cloud and Townsend suggest several tools:

•     using appropriate words,
  
•     telling the truth,
  
•     establishing consequences,
  
•      keeping emotional or physical distance from the other
  
•      involving other people, and
  
•      setting time parameters.
  

I’ve already talked about using appropriate words.  I also wasn’t telling the truth when I didn’t inform Jane that her actions hurt me.   An example of establishing consequences would be cancelling a credit card when the spouse continues to overspend.  Establishing emotional distance can be necessary if trust has been broken and physical distance may be necessary if abuse is involved.  Involving other people can be helpful if one person’s boundaries have been compromised repeatedly, to give the offended person some backbone. Finally, an example of setting time parameters would be to decide that a contentious conversation will only go on for one hour.

There’s a lot more to talk about regarding boundaries in relationships, we’ll pick up on this again next time.

On a previous video/blog we discussed reasons why one member of a couple might not want to work on communication. 

But if you’re the one who wants to, then what?  I think there are at least two things you can do: (1) learn to be a better listener yourself, and (2) learn how to set appropriate boundaries in the relationship.

Let’s start with learning how to be a better listener.  This stuff is straight out of counseling training.  Counselors use several non-verbal behaviors to help people understand they are being listened to.  These behaviors can be remembered by the acronym SOLER:

• Sit squarely
• Open posture
• Lean toward the speaker
• Eye contact
• Relax

Most people will do some or all of these actions unconsciously when talking with someone they care about or are interested in.  You might see yourself do some of them with a little effort toward self-awareness.  Just pay attention to the way you sit, lean, etc. as you are listening to something or someone you’re really interested in.  You might be surprised at what you’re already doing!  You might also be surprised at what you’re not doing when you talk to your spouse.

Sitting squarely.  Turning away from someone while they speak communicates to them that you’re not listening.  Likewise, turning toward someone communicates “I’m hearing you”.  So an easy thing to do that helps your spouse know you are hearing them is to sit facing them.  You can be directly across from them, or at a slight angle.  When sitting squarely, it’s important to be aware of how close you are to the other.  As a general rule in American culture, being less than 18 inches away can make them uncomfortable. And generally people with closer relationships will sit closer together while those less comfortable around each other will stay further apart.

Open posture.  Like the photo shows, how we have our arms can communicate without saying a word.  Folded arms can communicate defensiveness, disgust, or anger (notice the man on the left).  Likewise a more open posture can non-verbally tell someone I am willing to listen without judging (notice the man on the right).  We may not mean anything by how we sit or stand, but if the other person is reading it that way, it’s worth considering. 

Lean toward the speaker.  Leaning away from a speaker is something people generally do to indicate wariness, distrust, disagreement or boredom.  Leaning toward usually indicates the opposite.  It shows that you are interested in them and what they have to say. 

Eye contact.  Good eye contact demonstrates that your focus is on the speaker.  Good eye contact isn’t staring the other person down, instead it involves looking directly at their face and occasionally shifting your gaze to other parts of the body.

Relax.  Relaxing here means doing these non-verbals in a natural or un-planned way.  Doing what “comes naturally”.  “And how is that possible?” you ask.  Don’t expect it to be at first.  But as you practice these non-verbal techniques they will become more natural.

I said earlier that you may do some of SOLER actions already.  But chances are that time, frustration, conflict, etc. have worn away the natural inclination you have to do to the things that indicate you’re interested in what he has to say.  In fact, you’re probably not interested.  But the good news is that you can re-learn them, or learn them in the first place if needed.

Speaker-listener cards are another tool that can be used to facilitate good communication.  Just follow the instructions on the card.  Like the non-verbal listening skills, the speaker-listener cards might seem awkward at first, but will become more natural over time.

We’ve gone over a number of techniques to help with communication.  But if your spouse isn’t willing to put forth some effort in this area, it may be necessary to establish some boundaries.  More on that next time.

The previous posts/videos assumed that both members of a couple wanted to work on communication. But what if one spouse doesn't want to try?

Obviously I can’t speak for your spouse, but if it’s you, why don’t you want to try? Send me a message and let me know. In the meantime here are a few possible reasons:

1. She’s so critical I just don’t want to hear what she says.
   

As I’ve said, criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, i.e., four aspects of communication that have a high probability of spelling the end of a relationship.

As the listener you’re in a tough position here. But a soft answer will often stop the criticism from escalating. Then at a time when you are both in the green zone, ask if she would be open to talking with you about how you feel attacked sometimes. Have a specific example or two. To talk about it with her in a general way might be to say something like “You are always so critical when you talk to me about how I…” That kind of sounds like criticism, doesn't it? So don’t be afraid to complain, but in a gentle, specific way. And at a time that is good for both of you. 

2.   She is making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

I suppose there may be some drama kings and queens out there, but overall, if your spouse is telling you it’s a problem, it’s a problem. A man’s willingness to receive influence from his wife is another strong predictor of marital success, according to the Gottmans.  So if your attitude about this is just part of your pattern of not being influenced by your wife, research would say that your marriage is headed for trouble. But the good news is that if you've identified this as a problem then you know what to change. It might be wise to confess it to your wife, and tell her you’re sorry. 

3.   I’m just not good at listening.

Sure, some of us have attention deficit issues, but I wonder…  Is it possible that you can listen well when your friend is telling you about something you’re both interested in?  What if you really believed that improving your listening skills would improve other areas of your relationship too?  I’m not trying to be insensitive here, but sometimes it seems to me that inability is really just a lack of motivation.

4.   I don’t care anymore

That’s a problem. Maybe you’re just burnt out from all of the conflict, stress, anger, criticism, etc. in your house. Regular doses of this kind stuff will go a long way toward depleting a couple’s love tank. Or maybe other things may have moved into your relationship to take the priority that should be given to your marriage. In Matthew 6:21 Jesus addressed the issue of what we treasure, and it is implied that we can control what we value. And this gives me a lot of hope that an uncaring attitude can be changed.

Whatever the reason, if you feel like you’re beyond caring there are a few things you might want to think about. Maybe you’re so fed up that leaving seems like the best option. But if you ever want to be married again consider this. Research shows that the best opportunity for a successful relationship is with the person you are currently married to. Also, there were probably good reasons why you got married in the first place. Things that attracted you to each other. It could be time to revisit them. Marriages fail for a lot of reasons, but in my opinion way too many fail simply because either or both people simply quit working at it like they did at the first.

Disclaimer!! This obviously doesn’t apply to an abusive relationship – more about that next time.

5.    I have found someone else.

If this is a real person, or pornography, the research referenced above applies. In the moment that may seem farfetched, the person you are currently having an affair with probably seems perfect. (An expert in couples having affairs calls it “being on the drug”). But if he or she is willing to cheat with you, what makes you think he or she is not willing to cheat on you? If it’s porn, it’s probably an addiction. Get help. In all of these cases, it’s an escape. The harder route of working on the relationship instead of escaping into a fantasy world will bring you more happiness and satisfaction in the end.

One last thought – which should have been the first. Pray!! If your spouse is willing, pray together! God is for you, and His intentions toward you are good. I think the reason He hates divorce is because of all the hurt it causes to everyone involved.

To summarize, you might have what looks like a good reason not to try to communicate with your spouse. But in most cases, if you are willing to put forth some effort in this area, you will be glad you did. 

To end this segment on listening I want take one more swing at the selfishness topic.  It’s fitting right now since I just got done talking about pride.  And pride – the destructive kind the Bible talks about – is generally rooted in selfishness. 

Author and conference speaker Paul Tripp says the issues usually identified as sources of marital discord are simply locations where a deeper problem reveals itself.  And that deeper problem is selfishness. 

All of the barriers to communication I’ve discussed to this point can be overcome.  I’ve even talked about some ways to overcome them.  But while techniques to improve listening skills may be simple, they are not easy.  They require change.  Change takes effort, effort doing something that is contrary to our inclinations.  To do something contrary to our inclination takes self-discipline.  In Biblical language that’s “dying to self” (Galatians 2:20, Luke 9:23).  To die to self we can’t be selfish.

If this sounds too hard, I encourage you to think about the following statistics:

• The rate of child abuse in single parent households is nearly twice the rate of child abuse in two parent households.
• 7.4 percent of children who live with one parent have been sexually abused, vs 4.2 percent of children who live with both biological parents.
• In one study 62-68% of men and 68% of women confessed to being unfaithful.
• Same study: about 40% of Christian couples have had infidelity by time they are 40.

Does that sound like the kind of heartache you want, or that you want to cause?

So if dying to self sounds like something you want, the obvious question is “How do I do this?”

Jesus said to anyone who comes after Him “…let him deny himself…” (Mat 16:24, Mar 8:34, Luke 9:23).  Practice in self-denial will help us to build the emotional muscle that allows us to work on our own selfishness.  In my experience a lack of self-discipline in one area of life tends to bleed over into other areas.  But likewise, practice of discipline in one area of life tends to equip me for discipline in other areas.  It might be one of the reasons fasting has been a practice of Christ-followers throughout the centuries.  Denying a legitimate physical desire in one area of our life can give us greater resolve in other areas. 

But more importantly than this, in each of the three gospels referenced above, Jesus makes self-denial and “…tak[ing] up his cross…” a condition of discipleship.  Paul tells the Corinthian church the same thing in 2Co 5:15”so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died…”  This is a pointed directive from Jesus: if we claim to be one of his followers we must be in the process of no longer living only for ourselves.  So if people close to you would characterize you as selfish, ask yourself if you’re really following Jesus.  And if you  have a pattern of choosing selfishness, it may shed so light on why your close relationships are in trouble.

A couple of other thoughts about this.  First, in an abusive relationship, one person may be choosing selflessness but the other accuses them of being selfish.  Outside perspective can be really helpful in these situations.  Second, cross bearing speaks of enduring hardship, trial or pain.  Just like in Christian discipleship, the person who marries for life must expect to have to deny themselves sometimes.  But note: if you have left an abusive relationship please don’t take guilt from anything I wrote above!!!

One final comment:

I knew a couple who had gone through the death of their two-year-old son.  Statistics for couples experiencing this kind of trauma are not good.  Divorce rates can be up to 8 times the norm according to one study.  But observing this couple one day when we visited their church, it was easy to see that they loved each other.  I asked the husband how they had beat the odds and his advice was priceless.  “You just can’t be selfish” he replied.  

Another barrier to communication that I’ve touched on is defensiveness. 

Defensiveness in communication is a problem because when it occurs, listening stops. We focus on how to respond, not on what the other is saying.  

So how do we get through this barrier? To start with, let’s think about what makes us to defensive.  

Defensiveness usually happens when we perceive a threat to ourselves.  This usually happens when we feel attacked, criticized, misunderstood or disrespected.  It can happen if we don’t take responsibility too.  It’s a natural response to hearing something that makes us uncomfortable.  But being natural doesn’t make it good for our relationships.  Here’s an example:

Dawn:  Why didn’t you get the insurance company called like I asked? (Could be attacking)

Scott:  Why did I need to do that?  Work’s crazy right now, besides, what are you doing all day?  Why is it I have to take care of all of these details?  (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about this!  And do you think I don’t do anything around here?  That’s really unfair!!  I do a lot around here, and you hardly lift a finger to help!! (Escalation, attacking)

In this example, Dawn felt attacked because I was attacking.  But any chance at healthy communication was lost when she became defensive and started firing back.  I share in the blame but she can’t control what I say, just how she responds.

So here are some good “be” suggestions I’ve seen for dealing with defensiveness:

• Be empathetic!  Whether I agree with her or not, she’s feeling what she’s feeling.  And if I identify with that, it could calm the situation enough for us to move out of defensiveness. 
  
  
• Be non-judgmental!  She is probably bringing it up because she thinks I will listen, and I can improve my relationship if I will listen instead of quickly dismissing what she says.
  
  
• Be responsible!  She might have a good reason to ask me about the task, and it certainly would end better if I didn’t get defensive.  A humble “I’m sorry”, if appropriate, could improve my relationship more than needing to always be right.  But remember, being the only one who says I’m sorry isn’t healthy, either.
  
  

One other thought: a soft startup will help tone down a conversation that has the potential to bring out defensiveness.  This means complaining instead of criticizing or attacking.  According to Gottman, “If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally--you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup…the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy" (emphasis mine).

So let’s try another potentially defensive conversation using this advice.

Dawn:  Hey, what was this $350 charge on the VISA card from Bass Pro Shop? (soft startup)

Scott:  Ohh!  That would be the handgun I bought.  I was meaning to tell you about it, but it’s been a crazy week, and I’ve wanted it for a long time. (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about talking about it before we bought anything over $100.  It makes me feel afraid when you spend money on something that impacts our budget like that.  (Complaint, a criticism would be “You always spend more than you should…”)

Scott:  I can understand how it would make you to feel afraid when you see a big charge like that you weren’t expecting.  I’m sorry, I should have told you. (Empathy, responsibility)

It’s not hard to imagine how this conversation would have gone if she had started out more harshly and if I hadn’t chosen to be empathetic and take responsibility. 

Again, according to Gottman, if most of your arguments start gently, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.