Boundaries IV - Laws of Responsibility, Power, Respect

I’ve been using these blogs to teach about boundaries in marriage – we got here after talking about communication.  If you remember, we’re addressing the situation when one member of the couple doesn’t want to work on the relationship.  So now we’re going through the 10 Laws of Boundaries in Marriage. 

Law number two is the Law of Responsibility.  Cloud and Townsend summarize it by saying that as couples we are responsible to the other, but not for the other.  The Bible deals with this issue by giving us two unique commands in Galatians 6.  Galatians 6:2 tells us to bear one another’s burdens, and Galatians 6:5 instructs each one to bear his own load.  The difference is that in vs. 2, the Greek word refers to a heavy burden, while in vs 5 the Greek word refers to daily responsibilities. 

How does that apply in marriage?  Well, as married individuals we are in a good position to help our spouse if or when they have difficult things to bear.  For example, if your wife is grieving the loss of a sibling, you can help her carry that grief by being there for her.  If your husband was passed over for a much-expected promotion, you can listen to him (without offering suggestions). Those are examples of bearing the heavy burden of another (Gal 6:2).

But we all have daily responsibilities that are ours to carry.  So the husband who does not love his wife is neglecting the daily responsibility he has taken on by being married.  In this case he is not “bearing his own load” (Gal 6:5).  Or, a wife might feel like she needs to make her grumpy husband happy.  This is a problem because ultimately, his mood is his own daily responsibility.

Law number three - the Law of Power.  This law helps us to understand what we have power over and what we don’t.  We can’t control attitudes and actions of anyone else.  For example, it might be our greatest desire to make our husband spend responsibly, quit drinking, etc., but we do not have the power to do that. 

So what do we have power over?  First, over our own actions/attitudes to a good extent.  We have the power to repent of our sinful ways, to confess them, and even make amends to those we’ve hurt.  We also have the power to ask God for help to change, and to make us willing to change. 

For example, if you’re tired of how your wife regularly puts you down, you could kindly tell her that.  But in the same conversation you can ask her if you are doing things that are hurtful to her.  This is consistent with what Jesus says when He tells us to take the log out of our own eye before we try to take a speck out of someone else’s eye (Matt 7:1-5).  Your attitude of being willing to change might help your wife be willing to change as well. 

We can also influence our spouse.  Say you’ve repeatedly asked your husband to check with you before purchasing items over $100. And say he consistently doesn’t.  After clearly communicating your intent, an appropriate response might be to take steps to separate your finances.

The Law of Respect is next – if we want others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.  In marriage, this means honoring the choices our spouse makes, choices that may be different than ours.  

Here’s an example: early in our marriage, my wife and I would have conflict around household chores.  I was willing to help, but I would often do things the way I had done them as a bachelor.  My wife would want them done the way she was used to doing them.  During a “discussion” about a particular issue (I don’t remember what) I told her “Just because your family does it this way doesn’t make it right.”

I just checked, the Boundaries in Marriage book was written in 1999, and I am sure this “discussion” happened before then.  But my wife didn’t need the book to know that it was a good idea to honor the boundary I set up.  Because she honored my boundary there (and many other times), it’s easier for me to honor her boundaries.

We’ll continue with the Law of Motivation next time.

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