 My previous posts were about how communication works and ways that it can be disrupted. These posts assumed that both members of a couple wanted to work on communication. But what if one person doesn’t? What can be done then?
If you’re the one who doesn’t want to work on communication, I’m curious why you don’t want to do this. Here are a few possible reasons (you can substitute “he” for “she” if necessary):
He may have a point here. The Gottman Institute describes the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, i.e., four aspects of communication that have a high probability of spelling the end of a relationship. One of these is criticism. This means attacking the other’s personality or character, usually with the intent of proving the other wrong. Using phrases like “you always…” or “”you never”. When doing this, the message you express may be legitimate, but the method of expression is likely to ensure that you will not be heard. The solution to this is referred to as a “gentle start-up”. One form of this is using a complaint instead of a criticism. The complaints usually begin with “I” instead of you. For example, “I wish you would pick up your socks” instead of “You never pick up your socks!” Criticism tends to move toward contempt (the second of the four horsemen) over time. Contempt is attacking your spouse’s sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse psychologically. It is aimed right at the heart of the spouse. It includes insults, hostile humor and mockery.
I suppose there may be some spouses with a flair for the dramatic, but overall, if your spouse is telling you it’s a problem, it’s a problem. Another strong predictor of marital success is the man’s willingness to receive influence from his wife, according to Gottman Institute. So if you have a pattern of not being influenced by your wife, research would say that your marriage is probably in trouble.
Sure, some of us have attention deficit issues, but I wonder… Is it possible that you can listen well when your friend is telling you about something you’re both interested in? What if you really believed that improving your listening skills would improve other areas of your relationship too? I’m not trying to be insensitive here, but sometimes it seems to me that our inability is really just a lack of motivation.
That’s a problem. It might be that the horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness (not being willing to take responsibility when a complaint or criticism has been given) are permanent residents in your house. Regular doses of this kind of communication will go a long way toward depleting a couple’s love tank. Or other things may have moved into your relationship to take the priority that should be given to your marriage. In Matthew 6:21 Jesus addressed the issue of what we treasure, and it is implied that we can control what we value. Whatever the reason, there is research that shows that the best opportunity for a good relationship is with the person you are currently married to. Although this obviously doesn’t apply to an abusive relationship. · I have found someone else. If this is a real person, an online relationship, or pornography, the research referenced above applies. In general, the best chance for a successful relationship is with the person you are currently married to. In the moment that may seem farfetched, the person you are currently having an affair with probably seems perfect. But if he or she is willing to cheat with you, what makes you think he or she is not willing to cheat on you? To summarize, you might have what looks like a good reason not to try to communicate with your spouse. But often, if you are willing to put forth some effort in this area, you will be glad you did. I’ll talk some about what you can do if you are the one partner who does want to work on communication next time.
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