Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.  G.K. Chesterton

I’ve given a Biblical definition of “Christian” because I want to deal with the issue of how we respond to the commands of Scripture.  These commands have much to do with the transformation toward Christ-likeness that occurs in the life of a Christian.  Although it is not the main purpose, transformation into the likeness of Christ will help us become someone who could be a good spouse. 

A controversial study released by the Barna Research Group in 1999[1] highlights the need to talk about this issue.  According to their research at the time, the divorce rate of those identifying as “born-again Christians” was higher (27%) than “other Christians” (24%), and atheists or agnostics (21%).  Later research by the Barna organization modified the numbers somewhat.  The later study notes that one-third (33%) of all adults in the U.S. who have been married have experienced at least one divorce, the same rate as “non-evangelical born again Christians”[2].  As you might imagine, there has been a lot of discussion about the findings of these studies.  Commenting about this data, a Barna Project director said: "We would love to be able to report that Christians are living very distinct lives and impacting the community, but ... in the area of divorce rates they continue to be the same."

I’m not trying to throw stones, here.  I simply believe these studies help to underscore the importance of this issue of the lordship of Jesus.  By lordship, I mean accepting Him to be our supreme master, which is what the word “Lord” means in the New Testament.  Accepting Him as master or “Lord” means we will obey His Word.  I Peter 2:9 tells us that Christians “…are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, [God's] own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light (AMP, emphasis mine).”  So if we are His people we are to be like Him.  Being like Him will clearly make us different from those who don’t believe and live in disobedience to Him.  Honoring our marriage vows can be one of those ways we “display the virtues and perfections of Jesus”.  I can say that because it was Jesus who said “"What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." (Mar 10:9, NASB). 

Now, this isn’t condemnation of those who are divorced.  There can be many reasons why a couple divorces, and some are Biblical (e.g., Mat 5:22, I Cor 7:15) and most are heart-wrenching.  This isn’t about divorce.  I could point to similar findings about single Christians and premarital sex, adultery, or other activities that the Christian clearly is told not to do.

The point I want to make is that as Christians, we’re called to obey the teachings of Jesus and the other writers of the New Testament.  An attitude of surrender to the commands of scripture is what will put us in the best position to be transformed into the image of Christ (see Rom 12:1-2).    Jesus said it best: “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15, ESV.)

All of this to say that as a Christian, our top priority should be obedience to Jesus as revealed through the New Testament and the direction of the Holy Spirit.  If we are actively pursuing obedience to Jesus, we will grow in Christ-likeness.  If we grow in the likeness of Jesus, many good things will happen.  Becoming someone who is better equipped to be a spouse is really just a side effect. 

One more thing.  The lordship of Christ is a huge topic, I’m not in any way fully covering it.  Taking Jesus as our savior is the first step of obedience.  And all of our obedience is imperfect, we deal with our sinful nature and live in a fallen, sin-filled world.  If you read this and heard me say that submitting to the lordship of Christ means you will perfectly obey all of the New Testament teachings on how we should live, you didn’t hear me correctly.  As I see it, the Biblical idea is of increasing Christ-likeness over our Christian life.


[1] "Christians are more likely to experience divorce than are non-Christians," Barna Research Group, 1999-DEC-21, at: http://www.barna.org/ Barna no longer has this report online. However, a review of the report is at: http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm.

[2] New Marriage and Divorce Statistics Released, Barna Research Group, 2008-MAR-31, at: https://www.barna.com/research/new-marriage-and-divorce-statistics-released/.

Jesus does not offer an opinion for He never uttered opinions. He never guessed; He knew, and He knows!
​A.W. Tozer
 
So far, I’ve tried to make the case that pre-premarital preparation can avoid a lot of problems after marriage.  I’ve emphasized that this preparation deals primarily with you, not the other person.  Why do I say that?  Because I’ve seen it many times: someone will talk extensively about their spouse’s problems.  They may even preface their whole talk with a statement like “I know I am part of the problem”.  But then on they go to explain what their spouse does wrong in detail. 

Their description of their spouse’s flaws, misbehaviors and issues may be 100 percent accurate.  But the problem is they can’t change their spouse.  I can’t change their spouse, their parents can’t, their friends can’t…, you get the picture.  The point is, we can’t change anyone other than ourselves, and even changing ourselves can be very difficult.  So, is there any hope? 

The answer is “yes”!  Jesus told his followers: “ ‘…with God, all things are possible’ (Mark 10:27, KJV).” That gives us hope that God is willing to work with us to help us change in ways He desires for us (also see I John 5:1).  Paul wrote about the transformation that can come to them by the influence of the Holy Spirit in a person’s life.  He encouraged them (and us) to “ ‘…put off your old self, which… is corrupt through deceitful desires, and [be] renewed in the spirit of your minds… after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness’ (Eph. 4:23-24 ESV).”  So, it is possible to change ourselves.

That brings me to the topic of spiritual foundations.  It’s a logical next step because I write from a Christian perspective.  I’m also writing primarily to Christian people.  So, I want to spend a little time on what it means to be a Christian.  This is because in my experience and from my belief in the Bible as truth, the Christian has an advantage in issues that involve who we are and who we are becoming.  The Christian has access to the power of God to change and grow (see II Cor. 13:4). That change and growth can help us to become a person who is a better spouse.  Paul illustrated this when he explained to the Galatian churches the difference between someone controlled by the Holy Spirit and someone controlled by their sinful human nature (Gal 5:19-26).  The person only controlled by their sinful nature will have inclinations toward fighting, jealousy, sexual promiscuity and fits of anger.  A person who is coming under the control of the Holy Spirit will become more loving, joyful, peaceful and self-controlled.  It’s not hard to see that a person who is controlled by the Holy Spirit is going to be easier to get along with than someone controlled by their sinful nature.

That last paragraph sounds good in theory.  But you might be saying, “Well, I’m a Christian but that doesn’t describe me!”  So, let’s define the word “Christian”.  The word “Christians” is first used in the Bible in Acts 11:26 to describe the disciples or followers of Jesus.  It’s arguable that following Jesus can look different depending on where you are in terms of sanctification and service.  But the Christian is a Christ follower.  By “follower” the Bible is indicating a person who will be with God and know Him (Mark 3:14, I Cor 1:9, Phil 3:10).  Thus, a disciple is one who is getting to know Jesus better and trying to become more like Him.  More about this next time.

We get too soon old, and too late smart.
- American proverb

This isn’t another marriage blog.

No, I’m doing these posts as I work toward a book for “pre-premarried” people.  That means it’s for single people.  Single people who would like to be married someday. 
And why am I writing?  Because I can’t talk to all of you.

This idea came out of my (and others’) experience working with couples.  Couples who are in difficult places in their relationships, sometimes for many years.  The frustration, anger, resentment and stress they experience cause major damage to their relationships.  Once they were so in love.  Now they sit in my office, not even wanting to look at each other.

When I’ve finished talking with a couple like that, I’ve sometimes wished for a time machine. 
That’s actually not as random as it sounds.  Now, I’ll admit that I’ve thought having a time machine would be really great long before I was working with couples.  There are lots of times in history I’d love to visit.  But that’s not what I’m getting at here.

​I’d wish I could go back years in their relationship and give them some good instruction.  Instruction that would help them avoid ever getting to the place they are now.  Or even go back before they made this promise to each other and God.  I’d like to give them information to help them make better decisions.  About who they marry, why they marry, and what they should expect from marriage.  Because with that information it’s likely they could avoid much of the hurt they are experiencing. 
​
So, until someone gets me a time machine, I’ll keep working on these posts.