Boundaries V - Motivation, Evaluation

I’m continuing with the Laws of Boundaries in Marriage as a part of the discussion about working with a spouse who won’t cooperate.  So far we’ve looked at the first four Laws: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, and (4) Respect.

The fifth Law is the Law of Motivation.  Cloud and Townsend explain it like this: “No one can actually love another if he feels he doesn’t have a choice not to.”  If this law is misunderstood, could become selfishness – when we only choose to do what we want to do.  What is this law saying?  Simply this: avoid situations where one spouse feels like they can’t say “no” to their partner’s request because they are afraid of the consequences. 

To help us understand, here’s an example from a couple I’ve made up.  Jill has a close relationship with her mom; she wants to be with her mom at least twice a month.  But Jill and her husband Jack live several hours away from Jill’s mom.  Jack gives in to Jill and goes with her to see her mother on weekends two or three times a month, but he drags his feet the whole time.  He complains about her mother on the way there and on the way back.  He is sulky while he at her mother’s house.  He also makes sure that all of their friends know what a martyr he is to be with her mother so often. 

Why is he acting like that?  It’s because he doesn’t want to go but he’s afraid to tell Jill.  Why is he afraid?  He fears the consequences of telling her.  The consequences are (1) losing the approval of Jill’s mother, and (2) being seen as the bad guy.  So e tries to sweep his feelings under the rug.  But rug is lumpy.  It would be better for their relationship if Jack would follow the law of motivation.  As it is, he gives in to what she wants but then makes her pay for it.  To follow the law of motivation Jack and Jill need to have what will be a difficult conversation. 

The conversation could sound like this: “Jill, I know how much you like to be with your mom and I want to honor that.  But we go there more than I’d like.  I’d like us to be able to reach a compromise on this…”  The rest of the conversation might include how they could structure their travel plans in such a way that they both get some of what they want and they both give the other some of what the other wants.

The Law of Evaluation states: Just because someone is in pain doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is happening.  With this law Cloud and Townsend are pointing out that pain can have a good purpose and when one spouse wants to step in and save the other from pain it may not be a good thing.  To understand this better let’s hear another Jack and Jill story.

Jack and Jill have been married for several years and they both have good jobs.  But Jack really loves to give Jill gifts.  So he takes every opportunity to shower Jill with expensive stuff.  He gives her a trip to Europe for her birthday, a new car for their anniversary, buys a timeshare for Christmas, etc.  Jill keeps track of their finances and she can see that despite the good jobs they have, Jack’s habit of buying expensive gifts has them in serious financial trouble.  But the gifts he buys are for her.  What makes it even harder is that she sees how happy it makes him when she acts thrilled with yet another gift.  It’s hard for her to act happy about each new thing since she knows their finances are in such terrible shape.  But she does it because she just doesn’t want to cause him pain. 

Jill is confusing pain with injury.  It is true that if Jill would have conversation with Jack about how bad those gifts are for their finances, Jack would feel pain.  But that wouldn’t injure him.  In fact, that conversation is certainly what he needs sooner than later.  The pain that Jill thinks she is sparing Jack from is actually just being postponed.  Jack and Jill are in an unsustainable pattern and eventually their creditors will step in and want their money back.

As long as Jill is unwilling to talk to Jack about his spending problem she is actually denying him an opportunity to grow up.  Confronting Jack might cause him pain, but it at least gives him the opportunity for emotional/spiritual growth.  Not confronting him denies him of this opportunity and makes Jill an enabler.

Both of these laws encourage us to be open with our partners instead of taking the easier path of avoiding conflict.  But it’s not hard to see that in the end, being open with our spouse and working through the conflict will be better for our relationships than if we continue to pretend the problems aren’t there. 

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