Toward Better Communication

Previously I explored some ways that communication can fail.  A short summary of those ways is:

• problems saying what we mean

• barriers between the speaker and listener including

1. our preconceived ideas,
2. our emotional responses to particular issues,
3. fatigue of the listener
4. and multi-tasking,

• problems with how we understand what we hear

How do we work through these problems? 

Let’s start on the problem of saying what we mean and understanding what we hear.  We can misunderstand our spouse even when we’re not upset about a hot-button issue.  Sometimes we simply don’t understand the needs behind the words our partner uses.  For example, when my wife tells me “I don’t want to talk to the teacher about the problems that our son is having” she could mean several things.  She could be venting her frustration at having to deal with our son’s problems.  She could be expressing her fear of having to confront an issue.  She could also be wishing that I would do it instead of her.

How do I know what she means? 

Reflective listening - that’s what experts call it.  But another way it’s described is the McDonald’s communication method.  Think about using the drive-through at McDonald’s.  Here’s what happens:

Them: Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?

Me: Yes, I’d like 3 double cheesburgers, 2 ten piece chicken nuggets, 2 chicken sandwiches, and 1 bacon McDouble, 4 large fries, 7 waters, 1 large Dr. Pepper, and lots of napkins (BTW-this is for the whole family, and this is the dramatically shortened version).

Them: OK, so you want 3 double cheesburgers, 2 ten piece chicken nuggets, 2 chicken sandwiches, and 1 bacon McDouble, 4 large fries, 7 waters, and 1 large Diet Coke.

Me: Almost!  It’s a Dr. Pepper, not a Diet Coke.  And don’t forget the napkins – we don’t have to pay extra for them, do we?

Them: OK…(you get the idea, they repeat back until they know they understand what you want).

In the same way, I can use reflective listening to get a better understanding of what my wife is telling me:

Dawn: I don’t want to talk to the teacher about the problems that our son is having.

Scott: You’re saying you don’t want to discuss the problems that Joe (a fictional name used to protect the “innocent”) is having about his workload with the teacher?

Dawn: Yes, it’s really hard for me to approach Mr. Smith, he was my math teacher when I was in high school and I’m still intimidated by him.  

In this case, the reflective listening did two things:

1.       it tells her I have listened to her

2.       it invites her to explain herself further.

The idea is to paraphrase what the other person said as a question.  More on the next blog.  I’m also still working on some videos.

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