The Four Horsemen - An Introduction

"For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. "
James 1:20

Marriage research done by Doctors John & Julie Gottman has determined that the instruction in this scripture is especially useful in relationships (no surprise there)! 

​Destructive Communication

What do I mean by that?  Gottman's research has determined that four kinds of communication are destructive to a marriage.  So destructive that Gottmans call them “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.  In giving them that name, they are telling us that when those show up regularly, the end (of the relationship) is near!  They have plenty of research to support this. ​

​The Four Horsemen

What are these Four Horsemen? They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Let's take a quick look at each one.

• Criticism – has to do with the partner's character, not the thing they did that upset you.  It is attacking who they are.  Critical statements often begin with “You always…” or “You never…”.  
• Contempt – This is the condition where you consider yourself superior to the other.  You might mock, ridicule, or mimic to make the other feel despised and worthless.
• Defensiveness – Typically a response to criticism; when you are defensive you will throw out excuses or play the innocent victim.  
• Stonewalling – This occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction and becomes silent.  

Isn't it the "anger of man" that brings us to the point of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling?  

Next Time...

Next time I want to talk about some antidotes to these Four Horsemen.  

Scott Wegman M.A. Professional Counseling ([email protected]) ​

Previously published in the Sandy Creek Baptist Association newsletter (Murrayville, IL)