How To Defeat The First Horseman

A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.
Proverbs 15:1​

How To Answer Criticism

Last time I discussed criticism, one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". It's important to eliminate criticism in our marriages, but don't confuse criticism with complaining. Complaining is telling our spouse what we don't like. If we can’t complain about what we don’t like, resentment will grow. Instead, we need to be able to talk about what we want in a way that is easier to be heard.  The idea in Proverbs 15:1 is that we can express the same desire in different ways and get vastly different results! Doctor Gottman refers to this as a "soft startup", according to him it has four parts: 

1. Share some responsibility,
2. State how I feel… 
   
3. about a specific situation,
   
4. State a positive need.
   

Up Close and Personal

For example, Fred often runs late, it frustrates Wilma. She would wait at the door and let him have it as soon as he comes in: “You’re always late! You never think about me!”, etc. It goes downhill from there. For many of us, further description isn’t necessary. We’ve seen this up close and personal.

Change The Start, Change The Result

But this time, she uses a soft startup. When Fred comes in and apologizes, Wilma says “Yes, you were late, but it’s not the end of the world (part 1 above).” Fred, braced for the attack, almost falls over; he was expecting a fight, but Wilma didn’t give him one! Wilma continues: "When you’re late, especially for something important to me, I feel like you don’t care about me or the things that I value (parts 2 and 3).” She has stated what she doesn’t like in a way that is easier for him to hear. Finally, Wilma states a positive need (part 4) by telling him, “It wasn’t like that this time, but there are times when it’s really important to be on time. We need to talk about those. Would this be a good time, or should we plan on talking right after supper?

In this way, Wilma has deescalated a situation that would likely have turned into a big fight and scheduled a discussion about how they can come to agreement on time management. Of course, this will mean both must be willing to give some ground, it also means they must have the discussion when they agreed. I say that in case Fred is like me, he’s ready to agree to a meeting later, but he does it hoping it will not actually occur! ​

A Gentle Answer

In the example above, Wilma used a soft startup. As a result, she changed the tone of the conversation, which changed its outcome. Dr. Gottman says a soft startup is "the way we treat guests", that is, respectfully and courteously. Most of us do this when a friend calls, even during a moment of high tension. Though we're frustrated or angry, we'll answer the phone with a cheery "Hello!". If we can choose to change how we respond with a friend, we can do the same thing with our spouse.

​Next time, we'll deal with Contempt, the second of the Four Horsemen.