The First Horseman: Criticism

…human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.…
James 1:20

In the previous article, I reviewed Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - communication types that show up in marriage when the end is near!  The Horsemen are: 

(1) criticism, 
(2) contempt, 
(3) defensiveness,
(4) stonewalling.  

A relationship where these four are present in abundance is undoubtedly in trouble, but there is hope. We'll talk about how to stop them one Horseman at a time over the following articles.   

Criticism is an attack on who your partner is, not what they did.  Critical statements often begin "You always…" or You never…".  For example, Wilma might say to Fred, "You're so lazy, you never help out around the house!" This is describing the problem as if it was something wrong with the partner's character.  

When we talk like this, we're usually angry. James 1:20 tells us this kind of anger doesn't produce the sort of upright living God desires for us.  If we reflect on our critical words and their results, we see the truth of that verse.  Our critical comments might make us feel better briefly, but they damage our relationships.  

While criticism is not good for the relationship, neither is not saying anything when our partner does something that frustrates or angers us.  So what do we do?  A gentle startup is a great way to effectively communicate your problem (complaint) without attacking (criticism).  What does a gentle startup look like? We'll talk about that next time!