One more blog on Boundaries in Marriage.

To this point what’s been covered in the blog/videos is how boundaries in marriages can be used to help both partners have a voice in the relationship.  But when we emphasize this, there’s plenty of potential for misunderstanding.  I think the greatest potential misunderstanding we have is to interpret boundaries as a method of getting our spouse to do what we want.  But boundaries are first about us. 

Here’s an example.  The couple’s fictional, but the issue is real.  When Bill and Brenda got married, Bill wasn’t really ready to “leave and cleave”.  He came from a tight-knit family while Brenda was more independent.  Over the next three years, Bill consistently made the decision to be with his family on holidays, vacations and lots of other times.  When they would talk about their plans for the weekend or the vacation, Brenda would tell Bill she wanted to be with her family, or she wanted to do something with friends, but Bill would always come up with a reason they had to be with his family.  Brenda didn’t like it, but didn’t want to make waves so she silently endured as her frustration grew.  She would become more resentful, sullen and withdrawn each time they were with his family.  Bill felt hurt and frustrated by the change in his normally cheerful and sweet wife.  This was becoming a big area of conflict in their marriage.

Finally, Brenda made a decision.  She took last year’s calendar and added up all of the times they had been with Bill’s family and all of the times they had done what she wanted to do.  Then she and Bill had a talk.  She told him “I love you and I’m willing to spend some time with your family.  But over the last year we were with your family 46 weekends and both of our vacations.  That shows me that my desires for what I do with our free time aren’t being honored.  So this year I am willing to be with your family 23 weekends and for one of our vacations.  The other times I will to choose where we go or what we do.  If you choose to be with your family more than this I won’t come along.”

As you might guess, this wasn’t very popular with Bill.  But over the next year Brenda stuck to her commitment.  When Bill made it clear he wasn’t going to limit the number of weekends he was with his family, Brenda began taking some weekends for herself.  And before long Bill realized he missed being with his wife, especially since she was becoming less resentful, sullen, and withdrawn.  He decided to work out a mutually agreeable schedule with her for their time off.

In this story Brenda established some boundaries in the relationship, but she began by establishing boundaries in herself.  She didn’t want to stand up to Bill and she didn’t want to be without him during her time off.  But she realized that she needed to do these things for the good of the relationship.  Also, consistent with Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:5, Brenda needed to deal with her own issues before she could help someone else.  She needed to be proactive in addressing her resentment and anger and her fear of conflict so that she could help her husband.  She needed to work on a boundary within herself before she worked on a boundary with her husband.

In the story, what Brenda did was to take ownership of her life.  She had to take Cloud and Townsend’s advice: “We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse’s.”  

Being more deeply concerned about my own issues moves the opportunity to change back to me.  As long as I am focused on my wife’s problems, and how she needs to change I am conveniently overlooking my own problems.  And I’m not able to change her anyhow; the person I have the most ability to change is me.  But even more than my own abilities, my best opportunity for personal change and growth comes from acknowledging to God that I’m not able to do it on my own, and that I need Jesus’ help.

Another good effect of setting boundaries on ourselves is that we free our spouse to choose to grow.  In the story of Bill and Brenda, as long as Brenda went along with Bill’s immature approach to separating from his family of origin, he didn’t have to choose between his family and her.  After she set the boundary of limiting the time with his family, Bill can choose to mature (separate from his parents).  

So setting boundaries with ourselves (choosing and doing things we may prefer not to do) for the good of our relationships will often allow for improvements in our marriage.  But I should point out that our spouse may not choose the path of growth.  What then?  You have still set up a boundary to make the relationship better for you, and you have grown from doing it.  Continue to pray, God isn’t through with any of us yet.

I hope to finish up boundaries next time.

Saturday evening the call came in: they needed help on the levees.

We live near a tributary to the Mississippi River, and further west and north of us the watershed had received a lot of rain.  Official estimates predicted the crest of the river surge to be above the levees along this tributary near our little town.  So the call went out for volunteers to make, move and place sandbags along the top of about ½ mile of the levee. 

The people came.  Probably at least 100 people were there. 

And they worked.  Hard.  From about 5 PM on Saturday night until 3:30 Sunday morning.  We started again about 9 Sunday morning when there was concern the water was going to rise even more. 

We finally quit at about 3:00 Sunday afternoon.  The water, which had risen higher than the levees in some places, was being held back by the sandbags.

What was gained by our “victory” over the river?  At least 2 houses, a post office, and a lot of crops were saved from the flood.  It was incredible to see so many from the nearby church and the community work together.

But it got me thinking about a verse in Isaiah 59:19 that says “...when the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him”.  How many times have I seen “the enemy come in like a flood”?  Just in my lifetime, I’ve seen a dramatic shift in the morals of our land.  I’ve seen a truly scary rise in Biblical ignorance from those who self-identify as Christians.  I’ve seen the poor and weak oppressed, and I’ve seen our nation doing less and less to protect them.

With all of this kind of flooding, have I ever worked through the night to stop the flood – so to speak?

Have I ever spent a late night with others or even by myself praying for the revival of God’s people?  For many unchurched people to be saved?  For God to raise up workers to help among the weak and oppressed? 

The answer is “no.”  But I want to change that about myself.  What about you? 

From the Bible and from my own experience, I believe that God works when people pray.  And whether we think we’re good at it or not, anyone can pray.  So, are you with me?  Will you work against the flood?  I look forward to seeing what God will do!

We are now through eight of the 10 Laws of Boundaries: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, (4) Respect, (5) Motivation, (6) Evaluation, (7) Activity, and (8) Exposure.  We’ll go over nine and ten this time.

Next is the Law of Activity. It deals with the need work at fixing problems instead of being passive.  When one spouse is active and the other is passive, a number of problems can develop.  The passive spouse may become too dependent on the other’s initiative.  The passive spouse may resent the other.  The passive spouse may be controlled by the active one.  It’s easy to see that the active spouse will generally be in a better position in the relationship than the passive one, but it’-s possible to change.  Cloud and Townsend encourage the passive spouse to tell the active one how difficult it is to be more active, and to ask them for help.

The Law of Exposure is the 10th Law.  It asserts that we all have boundaries in our marriages, but we may not always tell our spouses about them.  A boundary can only work when we communicate with each other about it.  The idea here is to promote both love and truth in our relationships.  If we love our spouse we need to tell them the truth.  Let’s have another Jack and Jill story to illustrate.

In comparison to each other, Jill is active while Jack is passive.  In some ways this works to Jill’s advantage, since Jack tends to disengage when he came home from work.  Because of this, Jill rarely fought with Jack about parenting since Jack really didn’t participate.  Earlier in their marriage, they had a few knock-down, drag-out verbal fights about his strictness and her permissiveness.  But Jill was better with her words and Jack ended up retreating to his corner defeated.  This only happened a few times and Jack decided he didn’t want to continue to lose these fights.  So Jack disengaged from parenting.  This hurts him because he’s not as close to his kids as he could be.  It hurt her because she could benefit from his participation in parenting.  It also hurt the children because they need a dad. 

After talking to a counselor, Jack uses the law of exposure. He tells Jill that he wants to have a conversation with her about how they argue.  Jack tells Jill that when it comes to verbal debate he feels like she comes to the fight with a fully armed battleship while he comes with a cap gun.  So he knows that if they are going to have a verbal debate he will lose.  He tells Jill, “I’m not always wrong; I’m just not as good at arguing as you.”  And then he asks Jill if she will help him to present his side of the argument instead of just shutting down.  She is willing to try since she wants him to be engaged with the family anyhow.

At the end of this list, I would like to reiterate: the reason for going over these laws is to help us understand principles related to setting boundaries in relationships.  These boundaries can sound selfish or harsh at times, but they really reflect a level of honesty that sometimes can be lacking in relationships. 

We are now through six of the 10 Laws of Boundaries: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, (4) Respect, (5) Motivation, and (6) Evaluation.  We’ll deal with seven and eight this time.

The Law of Proactivity is the seventh law.  It says we need to take steps to secure what we value, want and need.  This law deals with the tendency in some of us to have reactive boundaries.  Reactive boundaries occur as blow-ups when someone pushes us too far.  Reactive boundaries can be necessary early in a relationship because a spouse might not understand their own boundaries until those boundaries have been violated.  If a person has not been to able set boundaries in other relationships reactive boundaries might be necessary for a time.  But if strong reactions continue the relationship will eventually be damaged, so it will be necessary to move into actively setting boundaries.  A person who actively sets boundaries will keep their freedom by disagreeing and confronting issues in marriage as they come up.  A Jack and Jill story to illustrate…

Because Jack tended to be the more passive of the two, Jill was very satisfied with their ability to make decisions.  But truth be told, Jack just didn’t want to fight about what he considered “little things”.  Jill, on the other hand, was ready to go to the mat on just about every issue.  So what would usually happen was this.  When facing a decision, Jack would state his preference, Jill would destroy every reason he expressed to support that decision, and then they would go with Jill’s choice. 

Until their second vacation. 
In a nice restaurant. 

Over a truly minor decision.

And it wasn’t pretty.

But after some counseling, Jack began to understand that when his boundaries were only reactive he was just postponing conflict.  Now he is trying to actively set boundaries; telling Jill what he wants when she asks.  He has also asked Jill to try not to pick apart every idea that he floats.  It’s taken time, effort and many apologies, but they both like dealing with the issues up front better than as a blow-up later on.

Number eight is the Law of Envy.  Cloud and Townsend tell us that “we will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries on what others have”.  When we envy we devalue what we have and resent others for having the good things we don’t possess.   Because envy is other-focused we are powerless to change.  To illustrate, let’s hear from Jack and Jill again.

Jack was always the life of the party.  It was one of the things that attracted Jill to him.  But when he was the life-of-the-party he wasn’t much for letting others be the life of the party.  Jill resented how easy it was for him to be the center of attention and she was angered by how self-centered he could be during those times.  She told her counselor: “He is so inconsiderate of others when he has to be the center of attention.  I want people to pay attention to me too, but I’m not willing to be as inconsiderate and shallow as he is.”  Jill was unhappy with her situation but powerless to change it.  To change the situation she will need to establish a boundary within herself of being more assertive.  That could mean having a conversation with Jack about being more aware of others when he’s playing to a crowd.  

We’ll finish up Laws of Boundaries next time.

I’m continuing with the Laws of Boundaries in Marriage as a part of the discussion about working with a spouse who won’t cooperate.  So far we’ve looked at the first four Laws: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, and (4) Respect.

The fifth Law is the Law of Motivation.  Cloud and Townsend explain it like this: “No one can actually love another if he feels he doesn’t have a choice not to.”  If this law is misunderstood, could become selfishness – when we only choose to do what we want to do.  What is this law saying?  Simply this: avoid situations where one spouse feels like they can’t say “no” to their partner’s request because they are afraid of the consequences. 

To help us understand, here’s an example from a couple I’ve made up.  Jill has a close relationship with her mom; she wants to be with her mom at least twice a month.  But Jill and her husband Jack live several hours away from Jill’s mom.  Jack gives in to Jill and goes with her to see her mother on weekends two or three times a month, but he drags his feet the whole time.  He complains about her mother on the way there and on the way back.  He is sulky while he at her mother’s house.  He also makes sure that all of their friends know what a martyr he is to be with her mother so often. 

Why is he acting like that?  It’s because he doesn’t want to go but he’s afraid to tell Jill.  Why is he afraid?  He fears the consequences of telling her.  The consequences are (1) losing the approval of Jill’s mother, and (2) being seen as the bad guy.  So e tries to sweep his feelings under the rug.  But rug is lumpy.  It would be better for their relationship if Jack would follow the law of motivation.  As it is, he gives in to what she wants but then makes her pay for it.  To follow the law of motivation Jack and Jill need to have what will be a difficult conversation. 

The conversation could sound like this: “Jill, I know how much you like to be with your mom and I want to honor that.  But we go there more than I’d like.  I’d like us to be able to reach a compromise on this…”  The rest of the conversation might include how they could structure their travel plans in such a way that they both get some of what they want and they both give the other some of what the other wants.

The Law of Evaluation states: Just because someone is in pain doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is happening.  With this law Cloud and Townsend are pointing out that pain can have a good purpose and when one spouse wants to step in and save the other from pain it may not be a good thing.  To understand this better let’s hear another Jack and Jill story.

Jack and Jill have been married for several years and they both have good jobs.  But Jack really loves to give Jill gifts.  So he takes every opportunity to shower Jill with expensive stuff.  He gives her a trip to Europe for her birthday, a new car for their anniversary, buys a timeshare for Christmas, etc.  Jill keeps track of their finances and she can see that despite the good jobs they have, Jack’s habit of buying expensive gifts has them in serious financial trouble.  But the gifts he buys are for her.  What makes it even harder is that she sees how happy it makes him when she acts thrilled with yet another gift.  It’s hard for her to act happy about each new thing since she knows their finances are in such terrible shape.  But she does it because she just doesn’t want to cause him pain. 

Jill is confusing pain with injury.  It is true that if Jill would have conversation with Jack about how bad those gifts are for their finances, Jack would feel pain.  But that wouldn’t injure him.  In fact, that conversation is certainly what he needs sooner than later.  The pain that Jill thinks she is sparing Jack from is actually just being postponed.  Jack and Jill are in an unsustainable pattern and eventually their creditors will step in and want their money back.

As long as Jill is unwilling to talk to Jack about his spending problem she is actually denying him an opportunity to grow up.  Confronting Jack might cause him pain, but it at least gives him the opportunity for emotional/spiritual growth.  Not confronting him denies him of this opportunity and makes Jill an enabler.

Both of these laws encourage us to be open with our partners instead of taking the easier path of avoiding conflict.  But it’s not hard to see that in the end, being open with our spouse and working through the conflict will be better for our relationships than if we continue to pretend the problems aren’t there. 

I’ve been using these blogs to teach about boundaries in marriage – we got here after talking about communication.  If you remember, we’re addressing the situation when one member of the couple doesn’t want to work on the relationship.  So now we’re going through the 10 Laws of Boundaries in Marriage. 

Law number two is the Law of Responsibility.  Cloud and Townsend summarize it by saying that as couples we are responsible to the other, but not for the other.  The Bible deals with this issue by giving us two unique commands in Galatians 6.  Galatians 6:2 tells us to bear one another’s burdens, and Galatians 6:5 instructs each one to bear his own load.  The difference is that in vs. 2, the Greek word refers to a heavy burden, while in vs 5 the Greek word refers to daily responsibilities. 

How does that apply in marriage?  Well, as married individuals we are in a good position to help our spouse if or when they have difficult things to bear.  For example, if your wife is grieving the loss of a sibling, you can help her carry that grief by being there for her.  If your husband was passed over for a much-expected promotion, you can listen to him (without offering suggestions). Those are examples of bearing the heavy burden of another (Gal 6:2).

But we all have daily responsibilities that are ours to carry.  So the husband who does not love his wife is neglecting the daily responsibility he has taken on by being married.  In this case he is not “bearing his own load” (Gal 6:5).  Or, a wife might feel like she needs to make her grumpy husband happy.  This is a problem because ultimately, his mood is his own daily responsibility.

Law number three - the Law of Power.  This law helps us to understand what we have power over and what we don’t.  We can’t control attitudes and actions of anyone else.  For example, it might be our greatest desire to make our husband spend responsibly, quit drinking, etc., but we do not have the power to do that. 

So what do we have power over?  First, over our own actions/attitudes to a good extent.  We have the power to repent of our sinful ways, to confess them, and even make amends to those we’ve hurt.  We also have the power to ask God for help to change, and to make us willing to change. 

For example, if you’re tired of how your wife regularly puts you down, you could kindly tell her that.  But in the same conversation you can ask her if you are doing things that are hurtful to her.  This is consistent with what Jesus says when He tells us to take the log out of our own eye before we try to take a speck out of someone else’s eye (Matt 7:1-5).  Your attitude of being willing to change might help your wife be willing to change as well. 

We can also influence our spouse.  Say you’ve repeatedly asked your husband to check with you before purchasing items over $100. And say he consistently doesn’t.  After clearly communicating your intent, an appropriate response might be to take steps to separate your finances.

The Law of Respect is next – if we want others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.  In marriage, this means honoring the choices our spouse makes, choices that may be different than ours.  

Here’s an example: early in our marriage, my wife and I would have conflict around household chores.  I was willing to help, but I would often do things the way I had done them as a bachelor.  My wife would want them done the way she was used to doing them.  During a “discussion” about a particular issue (I don’t remember what) I told her “Just because your family does it this way doesn’t make it right.”

I just checked, the Boundaries in Marriage book was written in 1999, and I am sure this “discussion” happened before then.  But my wife didn’t need the book to know that it was a good idea to honor the boundary I set up.  Because she honored my boundary there (and many other times), it’s easier for me to honor her boundaries.

We’ll continue with the Law of Motivation next time.

Thanks for coming to the website.  Before we go back to the topic of boundaries in marriage, a quick reminder that most of this information comes from the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend – a great resource!

I’ve heard it said that the laws of our land are grounded in the six basic objectives stated in the preamble to the Constitution.  These objectives – forming a more perfect union, establishing justice, etc. - are supposed to inform all of the laws passed by our government.  These objectives state the principles the authors of the Constitution desired to guide governmental action.

In a similar way, Cloud and Townsend have developed 10 Laws of Boundaries in Marriage.  These laws state the principles that guide us in understanding how to wisely implement boundaries in our marriages.  They are the general principles from which we can best determine how to establish boundaries in our relationships.  Here they are with brief definitions:

1. Law of sowing and reaping – our actions have consequences.
2. Law of responsibility – we are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
3. Law of power – we have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people).
4. Law of respect – if we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
5. Law of motivation – we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.
6. Law of evaluation – we need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.
7. Law of proactivity – we take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs.
8. Law of envy – we will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.
9. Law of activity – we need to take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive.
10. Law of exposure – we need to communicate our boundaries to each other.

Let’s go through them.  

First, Sowing and Reaping.

Paul explained this in his letter to the Galatian churches (Gal 6:7), God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap (NASB).  This principle applies in relationships too.  If a husband acts selfishly or irresponsibly, he needs to experience the consequences of his actions.  This law becomes a problem when the husband (for example) “sows” actions that are hurtful to the relationship but the wife won’t let him experience the consequences of those actions.

Here is an example.  Say I regularly explode in anger at my wife and children because of minor things. Imagine it’s to the point that they feel they must try very hard not do the minor things that would set me off.  Maybe they even feel that they must try to do things for me to keep me out of my foul mood.  Ironically, in doing this my wife and children would be allowing me to violate the law of sowing and reaping.  They would not be allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions.  I am sowing anger, harshness and criticism but am not experiencing the relational damage that usually would occur from such an attack.

A response that allows my actions to have the natural consequences could look like this.  The next time I threw a fit over a minor offense, my wife could say to me “I love you but I do not deserve to be treated this way over such a minor thing.  The next time you react in that way I will need some time away from you.”  And then, much like in parenting, my wife would need to follow through on what she said.

If you’re thinking about how difficult this conversation with your spouse would be, you’re probably right.  But, is there a cost to doing nothing?  Probably.  The poor choices your spouse. is making have likely already damaged your relationship.  It might be helpful to imagine what this kind of damage would do to over the next five or ten years. 

To kindly but firmly talk to them about the consequences of their behavior might be difficult, but it could be the wakeup call they have needed. 

We’ll continue with the Law of Responsibility next time.

Thanks for coming to the website, and now I’m back to marriage issues.

I began this series of blogs and videos by talking about how to do communication better in marriage.  Then I transitioned into boundaries in marriage by talking about having a spouse who doesn’t want to try work on the relationship.  So far we’ve talked about boundaries as a method of understanding what we own in the relationship.

For example, I knew someone (I’ll call the person “Jane”) who had regularly treated me in a belittling way.  After most of the times we were together I would leave feeling like Jane didn’t value me at all and led others to devalue me too.  For a long time I struggled with this.  I would often wonder what my problem was, why didn’t Jane treat me with respect and kindness?  After all, that’s how I tried to treat her!  Why didn’t I seem to measure up in Jane’s eyes? 

I thought how Jane treated me was my problem – that I was being touchy.  That prevented me from talking to just about everyone else in my life about it.  But I prayed about it a lot, and what the Lord showed me was that Jane was a part of the problem, too.

If I could have talked to them, Cloud and Townsend might have reminded me that boundaries aren’t about the other person, they are about self-control.  To quote them: “Boundaries help us to know just where someone’s control begins and ends”. 

In my example, I needed to accept that I am not able to control the way Jane acts toward me.  But I am in control of how I respond.  I could use my words as a boundary to establish what I will or will not tolerate.  But instead, I had let my lack of words become a way that I let go of my boundaries.   And my loss of boundaries came at a price.

The price was that I began to resent Jane.  I spent way too much mental energy dwelling on how she had treated me, about what a terrible person she was.  I also didn’t want to be around her.  In social settings, I would try to find ways to avoid her or avoid the entire situation.  That harmed relationships I had with others.

What she did to me was unkind.  But what I did to myself was probably more damaging.  I had not taken the counsel of the Bible in Matthew 18:15.  There Jesus tells us if someone “sins against us” we should talk to them about it individually.  He goes on to say that if we do this and they listen we have “won [our] brother”.   Because I didn’t put up a boundary by saying to Jane “I don’t like it when you…” I allowed myself to experience a number of negative things. I gave myself the opportunity to be stressed when we were together.  I put myself in the position of not enjoying some social situations.  I also distanced myself from her, allowing our relationship to be damaged, and she didn’t know why.  It really wasn’t fair to her or me.  And it all happened because I didn’t maintain my boundaries in that relationship.

So how do we maintain boundaries in relationships?  Cloud and Townsend suggest several tools:

•     using appropriate words,
  
•     telling the truth,
  
•     establishing consequences,
  
•      keeping emotional or physical distance from the other
  
•      involving other people, and
  
•      setting time parameters.
  

I’ve already talked about using appropriate words.  I also wasn’t telling the truth when I didn’t inform Jane that her actions hurt me.   An example of establishing consequences would be cancelling a credit card when the spouse continues to overspend.  Establishing emotional distance can be necessary if trust has been broken and physical distance may be necessary if abuse is involved.  Involving other people can be helpful if one person’s boundaries have been compromised repeatedly, to give the offended person some backbone. Finally, an example of setting time parameters would be to decide that a contentious conversation will only go on for one hour.

There’s a lot more to talk about regarding boundaries in relationships, we’ll pick up on this again next time.

Thanks for coming to the GCC website.  I’m taking a break from the videos and blog posts on communication to do this personal message to the visitors to my site. 

When I first started the journey that would lead to a degree in counseling it was because I saw the devastation that was occurring in our community because of the breakup of families.  After prayer and advice from others I chose to focus on marriage counseling because it seemed like the best way to make a difference.  I thought it would help protect children who are victimized and help parents pass their faith to the next generation.

So over the last two years I have spent a lot of hours counseling with couples (individuals too).  And my observation is similar to what I’ve heard from other professionals: too many couples come to marriage counseling with a relationship that is DOA.  I understand that God is in the resurrection business, but I also know that he allows us to make our own choices.  And I also know that there is a lot of wisdom in the old proverb that “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  So I have thought for some time that it would be wiser to help marriages by working on the “ounce of prevention” instead of the “pound of cure”.

That’s where the website blog and videos came in.  I saw a counseling webinar on the power of social media in communication, and decided to try it.  The idea was to provide teaching tools for couples whose relationships are in trouble but not at the breaking point.  To try to reach couples with preventative teaching before their relationships are in crisis.  So I’ve produced and posted videos at the rate of about one a month for all of 2014. 

But the problem I have with this internet-based medium is that it can be pretty impersonal.  I get information about how many people visit my website from the company that hosts it.  I also get information about how many people see, click on, share, and like the content I put on or link from Facebook.  What that doesn’t tell me, though, is if anything I wrote or talked about was helpful.  If anyone actually used the concepts I’ve talked about in the videos. 

The question about the effectiveness of the information I’ve produced was especially in my mind when I began talking to people about support for the ministry.  It made me wonder: “Am I being a good steward of the money that God has given me through those who support this ministry?”  Writing takes time, so does putting internet movies together.  Is the time I’m spending on this a good investment?  Would it be better to explore some other options?

It seems to me that the best way to answer these questions is to ask you, the visitors of my website. 

I’m not fishing for compliments here, I just want some honest feedback.  For example, some time ago I talked to someone who had watched some of my earlier videos.  They had some constructive criticism about the way I did the filming.  I valued that information and tried to make adjustments because of it.

When I watch the videos I made longer ago I think that I could have done better.  I want to, going forward.  But I also want to have a better understanding about the effectiveness of these videos and blog posts.  So would you be willing to give me some feedback?  Topics to discuss?  Things you think would be helpful?  What you like or don’t?

If you see this on Facebook you can message me.  If you view it on my website, just click the letter icon at the top right of the page.  My phone number is also in the contact page of the website, you can text as well.  The message, email or text will be only seen by me.


In summary, I value your input.  It will help me understand where I focus my efforts in the future. 

If you’ve read the blogs or watched the videos to this point, you might be thinking: “I’ve tried to do those things you talked about, BUT MY SPOUSE WON'T TRY AT ALL!” 

If you especially agree with the all caps, I think we should consider something else before we go on.  It’s possible for anyone dealing with long-term reoccurring frustrations to have difficulty viewing the situation clearly.  So in order to really evaluate if you’re understanding it correctly, let’s look at a definition of a healthy relationship.  This one is from Leslie Vernick (http://leslievernick.com):

A healthy adult relationship is one where both people in the relationship give and both receive. There is a safe and open exchange of ideas, feelings and thoughts and all perspectives are considered and valued. There is also the freedom to respectfully challenge, confront and strengthen one another.

Does that sound like your relationship?

If you would say it’s generally true, but there are some things that frustrate you, it’s possible you just need to give your spouse permission to be human.  

What if it doesn’t describe your relationship at all?  What if you read the word “safe” and thought “I don’t feel safe”?  If so, it would be wise to take a look at some of the online resources about abuse.  Googling “am I in an abusive relationship” will provide you with several quizzes and lists of characteristics that can help you to answer that question.  It will also give you resources that can help you if you need to get out of a violent relationship.  And that's the most important point to get from this: if you are in an unsafe relationship, get to a safe place!

If the relationship isn’t abusive, but you feel like your spouse never tries to work on it, my first suggestion would be to ask God for wisdom.  James 1:5 tells us “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”  Since God is glad to give us wisdom in perplexing situations, insight from Him might help you to better understand if how you view your relationship is really accurate.  You may be dead-on in your assessment; I just wanted to point out that it can be difficult to see a situation correctly when we’ve felt frustrated for a long time.  Input from a trusted friend who knows both of you well might also be helpful.

So, your spouse not willing to work on the relationship, even though you’ve spoken to them, encouraged them, nagged them, cajoled them, etc...  Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written several excellent resources about boundaries that might help.  The following thoughts are from their book “Boundaries In Marriage”.

To start with, what is a boundary, anyway?  It’s a line that separates ownership of parcels of land or even different spaces.  Depending on where you live you may be able to go to a plat book or a website and see the boundaries of the property where you live.  When you know property boundaries you can quickly tell who owns what. 

In the same way, boundaries within relationships are about ownership.  Knowing the boundaries in a marriage helps us to know who “owns” things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors.  When we talk about “owning” something we are really addressing the issue of responsibility.  So boundaries are about taking appropriate responsibility in the relationship.

I have talked to couples who spend a lot of time focused on how the other person did not meet their needs, or made them feel.  And in these cases, the boundary lines get blurred.  She is blaming her harsh words on him: “If he would just talk with me more, or want to be with me for anything other than sex, than I wouldn’t get so mad and say such mean things.”  Meanwhile he tells me he doesn’t want to spend time with her because of the critical things she says to him.  And as long as they are blaming each other for their reactions, they can’t fix the relationship.  The cure for their relational woes is not under their control.  The solution, to quote Cloud and Townsend, is that “we must actively participate in the resolution of whatever relational problem we might have, even if it is not our fault”. 

I will talk more about ways to actively participate in relational problems in upcoming blogs/videos.