Boundaries VI - Proactivity, Envy

We are now through six of the 10 Laws of Boundaries: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, (4) Respect, (5) Motivation, and (6) Evaluation.  We’ll deal with seven and eight this time.

The Law of Proactivity is the seventh law.  It says we need to take steps to secure what we value, want and need.  This law deals with the tendency in some of us to have reactive boundaries.  Reactive boundaries occur as blow-ups when someone pushes us too far.  Reactive boundaries can be necessary early in a relationship because a spouse might not understand their own boundaries until those boundaries have been violated.  If a person has not been to able set boundaries in other relationships reactive boundaries might be necessary for a time.  But if strong reactions continue the relationship will eventually be damaged, so it will be necessary to move into actively setting boundaries.  A person who actively sets boundaries will keep their freedom by disagreeing and confronting issues in marriage as they come up.  A Jack and Jill story to illustrate…

Because Jack tended to be the more passive of the two, Jill was very satisfied with their ability to make decisions.  But truth be told, Jack just didn’t want to fight about what he considered “little things”.  Jill, on the other hand, was ready to go to the mat on just about every issue.  So what would usually happen was this.  When facing a decision, Jack would state his preference, Jill would destroy every reason he expressed to support that decision, and then they would go with Jill’s choice. 

Until their second vacation. 
In a nice restaurant. 

Over a truly minor decision.

And it wasn’t pretty.

But after some counseling, Jack began to understand that when his boundaries were only reactive he was just postponing conflict.  Now he is trying to actively set boundaries; telling Jill what he wants when she asks.  He has also asked Jill to try not to pick apart every idea that he floats.  It’s taken time, effort and many apologies, but they both like dealing with the issues up front better than as a blow-up later on.

Number eight is the Law of Envy.  Cloud and Townsend tell us that “we will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries on what others have”.  When we envy we devalue what we have and resent others for having the good things we don’t possess.   Because envy is other-focused we are powerless to change.  To illustrate, let’s hear from Jack and Jill again.

Jack was always the life of the party.  It was one of the things that attracted Jill to him.  But when he was the life-of-the-party he wasn’t much for letting others be the life of the party.  Jill resented how easy it was for him to be the center of attention and she was angered by how self-centered he could be during those times.  She told her counselor: “He is so inconsiderate of others when he has to be the center of attention.  I want people to pay attention to me too, but I’m not willing to be as inconsiderate and shallow as he is.”  Jill was unhappy with her situation but powerless to change it.  To change the situation she will need to establish a boundary within herself of being more assertive.  That could mean having a conversation with Jack about being more aware of others when he’s playing to a crowd.  

We’ll finish up Laws of Boundaries next time.

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