February 13th, 2015

Thanks for coming to the website.  Before we go back to the topic of boundaries in marriage, a quick reminder that most of this information comes from the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend – a great resource!

I’ve heard it said that the laws of our land are grounded in the six basic objectives stated in the preamble to the Constitution.  These objectives – forming a more perfect union, establishing justice, etc. - are supposed to inform all of the laws passed by our government.  These objectives state the principles the authors of the Constitution desired to guide governmental action.

In a similar way, Cloud and Townsend have developed 10 Laws of Boundaries in Marriage.  These laws state the principles that guide us in understanding how to wisely implement boundaries in our marriages.  They are the general principles from which we can best determine how to establish boundaries in our relationships.  Here they are with brief definitions:

1. Law of sowing and reaping – our actions have consequences.
2. Law of responsibility – we are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
3. Law of power – we have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people).
4. Law of respect – if we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
5. Law of motivation – we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.
6. Law of evaluation – we need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.
7. Law of proactivity – we take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs.
8. Law of envy – we will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.
9. Law of activity – we need to take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive.
10. Law of exposure – we need to communicate our boundaries to each other.

Let’s go through them.  

First, Sowing and Reaping.

Paul explained this in his letter to the Galatian churches (Gal 6:7), God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap (NASB).  This principle applies in relationships too.  If a husband acts selfishly or irresponsibly, he needs to experience the consequences of his actions.  This law becomes a problem when the husband (for example) “sows” actions that are hurtful to the relationship but the wife won’t let him experience the consequences of those actions.

Here is an example.  Say I regularly explode in anger at my wife and children because of minor things. Imagine it’s to the point that they feel they must try very hard not do the minor things that would set me off.  Maybe they even feel that they must try to do things for me to keep me out of my foul mood.  Ironically, in doing this my wife and children would be allowing me to violate the law of sowing and reaping.  They would not be allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions.  I am sowing anger, harshness and criticism but am not experiencing the relational damage that usually would occur from such an attack.

A response that allows my actions to have the natural consequences could look like this.  The next time I threw a fit over a minor offense, my wife could say to me “I love you but I do not deserve to be treated this way over such a minor thing.  The next time you react in that way I will need some time away from you.”  And then, much like in parenting, my wife would need to follow through on what she said.

If you’re thinking about how difficult this conversation with your spouse would be, you’re probably right.  But, is there a cost to doing nothing?  Probably.  The poor choices your spouse. is making have likely already damaged your relationship.  It might be helpful to imagine what this kind of damage would do to over the next five or ten years. 

To kindly but firmly talk to them about the consequences of their behavior might be difficult, but it could be the wakeup call they have needed. 

We’ll continue with the Law of Responsibility next time.

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