On a previous video/blog we discussed reasons why one member of a couple might not want to work on communication. 

But if you’re the one who wants to, then what?  I think there are at least two things you can do: (1) learn to be a better listener yourself, and (2) learn how to set appropriate boundaries in the relationship.

Let’s start with learning how to be a better listener.  This stuff is straight out of counseling training.  Counselors use several non-verbal behaviors to help people understand they are being listened to.  These behaviors can be remembered by the acronym SOLER:

• Sit squarely
• Open posture
• Lean toward the speaker
• Eye contact
• Relax

Most people will do some or all of these actions unconsciously when talking with someone they care about or are interested in.  You might see yourself do some of them with a little effort toward self-awareness.  Just pay attention to the way you sit, lean, etc. as you are listening to something or someone you’re really interested in.  You might be surprised at what you’re already doing!  You might also be surprised at what you’re not doing when you talk to your spouse.

Sitting squarely.  Turning away from someone while they speak communicates to them that you’re not listening.  Likewise, turning toward someone communicates “I’m hearing you”.  So an easy thing to do that helps your spouse know you are hearing them is to sit facing them.  You can be directly across from them, or at a slight angle.  When sitting squarely, it’s important to be aware of how close you are to the other.  As a general rule in American culture, being less than 18 inches away can make them uncomfortable. And generally people with closer relationships will sit closer together while those less comfortable around each other will stay further apart.

Open posture.  Like the photo shows, how we have our arms can communicate without saying a word.  Folded arms can communicate defensiveness, disgust, or anger (notice the man on the left).  Likewise a more open posture can non-verbally tell someone I am willing to listen without judging (notice the man on the right).  We may not mean anything by how we sit or stand, but if the other person is reading it that way, it’s worth considering. 

Lean toward the speaker.  Leaning away from a speaker is something people generally do to indicate wariness, distrust, disagreement or boredom.  Leaning toward usually indicates the opposite.  It shows that you are interested in them and what they have to say. 

Eye contact.  Good eye contact demonstrates that your focus is on the speaker.  Good eye contact isn’t staring the other person down, instead it involves looking directly at their face and occasionally shifting your gaze to other parts of the body.

Relax.  Relaxing here means doing these non-verbals in a natural or un-planned way.  Doing what “comes naturally”.  “And how is that possible?” you ask.  Don’t expect it to be at first.  But as you practice these non-verbal techniques they will become more natural.

I said earlier that you may do some of SOLER actions already.  But chances are that time, frustration, conflict, etc. have worn away the natural inclination you have to do to the things that indicate you’re interested in what he has to say.  In fact, you’re probably not interested.  But the good news is that you can re-learn them, or learn them in the first place if needed.

Speaker-listener cards are another tool that can be used to facilitate good communication.  Just follow the instructions on the card.  Like the non-verbal listening skills, the speaker-listener cards might seem awkward at first, but will become more natural over time.

We’ve gone over a number of techniques to help with communication.  But if your spouse isn’t willing to put forth some effort in this area, it may be necessary to establish some boundaries.  More on that next time.

The previous posts/videos assumed that both members of a couple wanted to work on communication. But what if one spouse doesn't want to try?

Obviously I can’t speak for your spouse, but if it’s you, why don’t you want to try? Send me a message and let me know. In the meantime here are a few possible reasons:

1. She’s so critical I just don’t want to hear what she says.
   

As I’ve said, criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, i.e., four aspects of communication that have a high probability of spelling the end of a relationship.

As the listener you’re in a tough position here. But a soft answer will often stop the criticism from escalating. Then at a time when you are both in the green zone, ask if she would be open to talking with you about how you feel attacked sometimes. Have a specific example or two. To talk about it with her in a general way might be to say something like “You are always so critical when you talk to me about how I…” That kind of sounds like criticism, doesn't it? So don’t be afraid to complain, but in a gentle, specific way. And at a time that is good for both of you. 

2.   She is making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

I suppose there may be some drama kings and queens out there, but overall, if your spouse is telling you it’s a problem, it’s a problem. A man’s willingness to receive influence from his wife is another strong predictor of marital success, according to the Gottmans.  So if your attitude about this is just part of your pattern of not being influenced by your wife, research would say that your marriage is headed for trouble. But the good news is that if you've identified this as a problem then you know what to change. It might be wise to confess it to your wife, and tell her you’re sorry. 

3.   I’m just not good at listening.

Sure, some of us have attention deficit issues, but I wonder…  Is it possible that you can listen well when your friend is telling you about something you’re both interested in?  What if you really believed that improving your listening skills would improve other areas of your relationship too?  I’m not trying to be insensitive here, but sometimes it seems to me that inability is really just a lack of motivation.

4.   I don’t care anymore

That’s a problem. Maybe you’re just burnt out from all of the conflict, stress, anger, criticism, etc. in your house. Regular doses of this kind stuff will go a long way toward depleting a couple’s love tank. Or maybe other things may have moved into your relationship to take the priority that should be given to your marriage. In Matthew 6:21 Jesus addressed the issue of what we treasure, and it is implied that we can control what we value. And this gives me a lot of hope that an uncaring attitude can be changed.

Whatever the reason, if you feel like you’re beyond caring there are a few things you might want to think about. Maybe you’re so fed up that leaving seems like the best option. But if you ever want to be married again consider this. Research shows that the best opportunity for a successful relationship is with the person you are currently married to. Also, there were probably good reasons why you got married in the first place. Things that attracted you to each other. It could be time to revisit them. Marriages fail for a lot of reasons, but in my opinion way too many fail simply because either or both people simply quit working at it like they did at the first.

Disclaimer!! This obviously doesn’t apply to an abusive relationship – more about that next time.

5.    I have found someone else.

If this is a real person, or pornography, the research referenced above applies. In the moment that may seem farfetched, the person you are currently having an affair with probably seems perfect. (An expert in couples having affairs calls it “being on the drug”). But if he or she is willing to cheat with you, what makes you think he or she is not willing to cheat on you? If it’s porn, it’s probably an addiction. Get help. In all of these cases, it’s an escape. The harder route of working on the relationship instead of escaping into a fantasy world will bring you more happiness and satisfaction in the end.

One last thought – which should have been the first. Pray!! If your spouse is willing, pray together! God is for you, and His intentions toward you are good. I think the reason He hates divorce is because of all the hurt it causes to everyone involved.

To summarize, you might have what looks like a good reason not to try to communicate with your spouse. But in most cases, if you are willing to put forth some effort in this area, you will be glad you did. 

To end this segment on listening I want take one more swing at the selfishness topic.  It’s fitting right now since I just got done talking about pride.  And pride – the destructive kind the Bible talks about – is generally rooted in selfishness. 

Author and conference speaker Paul Tripp says the issues usually identified as sources of marital discord are simply locations where a deeper problem reveals itself.  And that deeper problem is selfishness. 

All of the barriers to communication I’ve discussed to this point can be overcome.  I’ve even talked about some ways to overcome them.  But while techniques to improve listening skills may be simple, they are not easy.  They require change.  Change takes effort, effort doing something that is contrary to our inclinations.  To do something contrary to our inclination takes self-discipline.  In Biblical language that’s “dying to self” (Galatians 2:20, Luke 9:23).  To die to self we can’t be selfish.

If this sounds too hard, I encourage you to think about the following statistics:

• The rate of child abuse in single parent households is nearly twice the rate of child abuse in two parent households.
• 7.4 percent of children who live with one parent have been sexually abused, vs 4.2 percent of children who live with both biological parents.
• In one study 62-68% of men and 68% of women confessed to being unfaithful.
• Same study: about 40% of Christian couples have had infidelity by time they are 40.

Does that sound like the kind of heartache you want, or that you want to cause?

So if dying to self sounds like something you want, the obvious question is “How do I do this?”

Jesus said to anyone who comes after Him “…let him deny himself…” (Mat 16:24, Mar 8:34, Luke 9:23).  Practice in self-denial will help us to build the emotional muscle that allows us to work on our own selfishness.  In my experience a lack of self-discipline in one area of life tends to bleed over into other areas.  But likewise, practice of discipline in one area of life tends to equip me for discipline in other areas.  It might be one of the reasons fasting has been a practice of Christ-followers throughout the centuries.  Denying a legitimate physical desire in one area of our life can give us greater resolve in other areas. 

But more importantly than this, in each of the three gospels referenced above, Jesus makes self-denial and “…tak[ing] up his cross…” a condition of discipleship.  Paul tells the Corinthian church the same thing in 2Co 5:15”so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died…”  This is a pointed directive from Jesus: if we claim to be one of his followers we must be in the process of no longer living only for ourselves.  So if people close to you would characterize you as selfish, ask yourself if you’re really following Jesus.  And if you  have a pattern of choosing selfishness, it may shed so light on why your close relationships are in trouble.

A couple of other thoughts about this.  First, in an abusive relationship, one person may be choosing selflessness but the other accuses them of being selfish.  Outside perspective can be really helpful in these situations.  Second, cross bearing speaks of enduring hardship, trial or pain.  Just like in Christian discipleship, the person who marries for life must expect to have to deny themselves sometimes.  But note: if you have left an abusive relationship please don’t take guilt from anything I wrote above!!!

One final comment:

I knew a couple who had gone through the death of their two-year-old son.  Statistics for couples experiencing this kind of trauma are not good.  Divorce rates can be up to 8 times the norm according to one study.  But observing this couple one day when we visited their church, it was easy to see that they loved each other.  I asked the husband how they had beat the odds and his advice was priceless.  “You just can’t be selfish” he replied.  

Fatigue, multi-tasking, and pride/attitude problems.

Fatigue can be a problem since listening takes effort.  When we’re tired we don’t have the energy to work at it as hard as when we’re not.  Also, remember the average talker speaks at about 200 words per minute but listeners can usually process words at about 300 to 500 words per minute.  That’s a challenge when we’re not tired.  Clearly, being tired can make it worse.  

So this one’s simple.  Don’t talk about sensitive stuff when you’re tired!!  Yes, the Bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger.  But it would be wise to take that as an exhortation to deal constructively with anger in a timely manner.  To try to resolve a sensitive topic when either of you is tired “…has bad idea written all over it”.  Enough said.

BTW, a suggestion on the time lag problem.  If your mind is wandering, try repeating mentally what the other is saying while they are speaking.

Multi-tasking is a problem, too.  Research has demonstrated that people who try to multi-task show a marked decrease in ability to think about any one of the tasks they are trying to complete.  Said another way: multi-tasking usually results not in doing several things sort of well but in doing several things poorly.  So not only does the noise from the ear buds interfere with our hearing, but the constant stimulation makes us less able to listen.  What does that say about trying to have a conversation while the radio or TV is on?  So if you want better communication, take out the earbuds and turn off the noisemakers.  Even if you don’t think you’re listening to or watching the electronic device.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott give a few other reasons we don’t listen well: 

·         An attitude of pride – when I think I have nothing to learn from someone else,

·         Leaping to a conclusion about what the other person is saying,

·         Pre-judging motives of the speaker.

Any of these involve an assumption that we know better than the other person.  Any of these will also prevent the listener from receiving the speaker’s message.  

Communication problems due to fatigue, multi-tasking or other external extractions are pretty easily fixed.  But an attitude of pride is much more difficult problem. 

If I see that my pride is the problem, how will I fix it?  The Bible teaches that we can “…humble [ourselves] in the sight of the Lord…” (James 4:10).  Humbling ourselves is simple, it means not having to always be right, being willing to say I’m sorry, not thinking too highly of our own perspective, being aware of the feelings and needs of others.  If we are truly honest, I think most of us know how to humble ourselves; we’re more concerned about why. 

To answer this I could quote a lot of statistics. But bottom line, this is the question to consider:

Is serving your pride worth damaging your relationship? 

That’s a great question to consider any time we have to choose between promoting ourselves and serving someone else.

Another barrier to communication that I’ve touched on is defensiveness. 

Defensiveness in communication is a problem because when it occurs, listening stops. We focus on how to respond, not on what the other is saying.  

So how do we get through this barrier? To start with, let’s think about what makes us to defensive.  

Defensiveness usually happens when we perceive a threat to ourselves.  This usually happens when we feel attacked, criticized, misunderstood or disrespected.  It can happen if we don’t take responsibility too.  It’s a natural response to hearing something that makes us uncomfortable.  But being natural doesn’t make it good for our relationships.  Here’s an example:

Dawn:  Why didn’t you get the insurance company called like I asked? (Could be attacking)

Scott:  Why did I need to do that?  Work’s crazy right now, besides, what are you doing all day?  Why is it I have to take care of all of these details?  (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about this!  And do you think I don’t do anything around here?  That’s really unfair!!  I do a lot around here, and you hardly lift a finger to help!! (Escalation, attacking)

In this example, Dawn felt attacked because I was attacking.  But any chance at healthy communication was lost when she became defensive and started firing back.  I share in the blame but she can’t control what I say, just how she responds.

So here are some good “be” suggestions I’ve seen for dealing with defensiveness:

• Be empathetic!  Whether I agree with her or not, she’s feeling what she’s feeling.  And if I identify with that, it could calm the situation enough for us to move out of defensiveness. 
  
  
• Be non-judgmental!  She is probably bringing it up because she thinks I will listen, and I can improve my relationship if I will listen instead of quickly dismissing what she says.
  
  
• Be responsible!  She might have a good reason to ask me about the task, and it certainly would end better if I didn’t get defensive.  A humble “I’m sorry”, if appropriate, could improve my relationship more than needing to always be right.  But remember, being the only one who says I’m sorry isn’t healthy, either.
  
  

One other thought: a soft startup will help tone down a conversation that has the potential to bring out defensiveness.  This means complaining instead of criticizing or attacking.  According to Gottman, “If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally--you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup…the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy" (emphasis mine).

So let’s try another potentially defensive conversation using this advice.

Dawn:  Hey, what was this $350 charge on the VISA card from Bass Pro Shop? (soft startup)

Scott:  Ohh!  That would be the handgun I bought.  I was meaning to tell you about it, but it’s been a crazy week, and I’ve wanted it for a long time. (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about talking about it before we bought anything over $100.  It makes me feel afraid when you spend money on something that impacts our budget like that.  (Complaint, a criticism would be “You always spend more than you should…”)

Scott:  I can understand how it would make you to feel afraid when you see a big charge like that you weren’t expecting.  I’m sorry, I should have told you. (Empathy, responsibility)

It’s not hard to imagine how this conversation would have gone if she had started out more harshly and if I hadn’t chosen to be empathetic and take responsibility. 

Again, according to Gottman, if most of your arguments start gently, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.

As I make the videos I’m seeing that there are a few more things I want to write as well.  So I’m posting this to the blog, even though it's not exactly in order of the subjects within the blog.  But as I wrote the script for the next videos, I realized I wanted to discuss this part of communication more. So here it is. 

Hot button topics are next.  You might remember that these are subjects or issues we’re passionate about, or issues that set us off. 

Hot button topics can be like landmines – if you know where they are you try to tiptoe around them.  If you don’t, you'll experience an unexpected explosion.  For example:

Brett: Hey, did you hear about that report on the decline of polar bears?

Philip: No, what about it?

Brett: It said that global warming is affecting the bears’ habitat, and that if we don’t decrease our carbon emissions, they’ll all die.

Philip: (Louder) What!! What kind of nonsense is that?  What are you saying?  Aren’t polar bears supposed to be able to swim?!?  You mean it’s my fault that they can’t lay around on icebergs all day??

Brett:  (Louder) Chill, I was just telling you what it said.  You always get so upset about stupid things!

Philip:  (Louder) I do not!!  Besides, you agreed with it, you liberal wacko!!! 

Apparently global warming was a hot-button topic for Philip, and things were headed downhill.  Here are some things you can do when one of these blows up on you.

From the Bible, Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath.  When one person in the conversation begins to get upset, the natural response is for the other to do so as well.  But if we take the advice of Proverbs, we will choose to speak more softly.  Remember, it takes two people to argue.  So let’s try it again with the Proverbs approach:

Brett: Hey, did you hear about that report on the demise of polar bears?

Philip: No, what about it?

Brett: It said that global warming is affecting the bears’ habitat, and that if we don’t decrease our carbon emissions, they’ll all die.

Philip: (Louder) What!! What kind of nonsense is that?  What are you saying?  Aren’t polar bears supposed to be able to swim?!?  So it’s my fault that they can’t lay around on icebergs all day??

Brett: (quieter)  No, I didn’t say that.  I was just telling you what the report said, I don’t necessarily agree with all of it.

Philip: (a little quieter)  Oh.  Well, did they talk about how the data was collected?

Something else we can do is to recognize when we are getting emotional.  A tool we can use to talk about this is shown below.  You can think of it as if we have different emotional  zones.  In the green zone we’re calm, when we move to the yellow we’re somewhat upset, and at the red zone we’re really mad.  As we move from the green to yellow to red, our heart rates increase and the level of oxygen in our blood decreases.  This means less rational thinking and more impulsive emotion.  That’s why people who think back later on what they’ve done might say something like “I don’t know what came over me”.

Obviously, communication when we’re in the red zone is not going to go well.  So how about trying these steps? 

1. Talk with your spouse about green, yellow and red zones when you’re in the green zone.  That gives you and your spouse this communication tool. 
   
   
2. When you’re moving into the yellow zone, let your spouse know.  This will take tact.  It might help to include an admission that “I’m getting upset”.
   
   
3. Agree to a 20-30 minute break for both of you to cool off.  But remember, it’s not finished; plan to get back together to resolve the conflict.
   
   

We’ll talk about fatigue, bad attitudes and multi-tasking in upcoming videos and blogs.

So you feel like you are the one member of the couple who is trying to work on communication.  Does it feel like you are the only one who is working on the rest of the relationship, too?  Does it seem like you are pulling all of the weight in the relationship?  Does it seem like he (or she) is only in it for what they can get? 
If your answer to those questions was YES!!, let’s consider something else before we go on.  When we’ve dealt with reoccurring frustrations for a long time they can begin to color all of our thoughts.  So in order to effectively evaluate if this is what is happening in your relationship, let’s look at a description of a healthy relationship.  Leslie Vernick (http://www.leslievernick.com/) has developed this one:

A healthy adult relationship is one where both people in the relationship give and both receive.  There is a safe and open exchange of ideas, feelings and thoughts and all perspectives are considered and valued.  There is also the freedom to respectfully challenge, confront and strengthen one another.

Does that sound like the relationship you have with your spouse? 

If you would say it’s generally true, but there are some things that frustrate you, it’s possible you just need to give your spouse permission to be human. 

If you’d say it doesn’t describe your relationship at all, here are a couple of ideas.  If the word “safe” caught your attention - you are being abused - get to a place of safety.  If you feel that it might be a good idea to talk to someone who can give you an outside perspective on your relationship.  If your relationship isn’t like this, you might still want to think about establishing some boundaries.  More on that in another post, but let’s think about communication that is mostly one-way.

If you think your spouse isn’t listening, the best thing to do is ask if they are.  It may be they are not aware of some of the non-verbals that tell you they are listening.  A good acronym that describes the actions that tell someone “I’m listening” is SOLER:

• Sit squarely
• Open posture
• Lean toward the speaker
• Eye contact
• Relax

You could tell your spouse that you saw a blog that told you about some ways they can communicate to their interest to you while you talk to them.  You could also model these behaviors yourself.  Your spouse might begin to notice how nice it is when she (or he) knows you’re listening.  And to quote Dr. James Dobson, “Women tend to give sex to get (emotional) intimacy, while men tend to give (emotional) intimacy to get sex”.

If your spouse isn’t willing to put forth some effort in this area, it may be necessary to establish some boundaries.  More on that next time.

My previous posts were about how communication works and ways that it can be disrupted.  These posts assumed that both members of a couple wanted to work on communication.  But what if one person doesn’t?  What can be done then?

If you’re the one who doesn’t want to work on communication, I’m curious why you don’t want to do this.  Here are a few possible reasons (you can substitute “he” for “she” if necessary):

• She’s always so critical that I don’t want to hear what she says.

He may have a point here.  The Gottman Institute describes the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, i.e., four aspects of communication that have a high probability of spelling the end of a relationship.  One of these is criticism.  This means attacking the other’s personality or character, usually with the intent of proving the other wrong.  Using phrases like “you always…” or “”you never”.  When doing this, the message you express may be legitimate, but the method of expression is likely to ensure that you will not be heard.  The solution to this is referred to as a “gentle start-up”.  One form of this is using a complaint instead of a criticism.  The complaints usually begin with “I” instead of you.  For example, “I wish you would pick up your socks” instead of “You never pick up your socks!” 

Criticism tends to move toward contempt (the second of the four horsemen) over time.  Contempt is attacking your spouse’s sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse psychologically.  It is aimed right at the heart of the spouse.  It includes insults, hostile humor and mockery.

• She is making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

I suppose there may be some spouses with a flair for the dramatic, but overall, if your spouse is telling you it’s a problem, it’s a problem.  Another strong predictor of marital success is the man’s willingness to receive influence from his wife, according to Gottman Institute.  So if you have a pattern of not being influenced by your wife, research would say that your marriage is probably in trouble.

• I’m just not good at listening.

Sure, some of us have attention deficit issues, but I wonder…  Is it possible that you can listen well when your friend is telling you about something you’re both interested in?  What if you really believed that improving your listening skills would improve other areas of your relationship too?  I’m not trying to be insensitive here, but sometimes it seems to me that our inability is really just a lack of motivation.

• I don’t care anymore

That’s a problem.  It might be that the horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness (not being willing to take responsibility when a complaint or criticism has been given) are permanent residents in your house.  Regular doses of this kind of communication will go a long way toward depleting a couple’s love tank.  Or other things may have moved into your relationship to take the priority that should be given to your marriage.  In Matthew 6:21 Jesus addressed the issue of what we treasure, and it is implied that we can control what we value. 

Whatever the reason, there is research that shows that the best opportunity for a good relationship is with the person you are currently married to.  Although this obviously doesn’t apply to an abusive relationship.

·      I have found someone else.

If this is a real person, an online relationship, or pornography, the research referenced above applies.  In general, the best chance for a successful relationship is with the person you are currently married to.  In the moment that may seem farfetched, the person you are currently having an affair with probably seems perfect.  But if he or she is willing to cheat with you, what makes you think he or she is not willing to cheat on you? 

To summarize, you might have what looks like a good reason not to try to communicate with your spouse.  But often, if you are willing to put forth some effort in this area, you will be glad you did.

I’ll talk some about what you can do if you are the one partner who does want to work on communication next time.

Previously I explored some ways that communication can fail.  A short summary of those ways is:

• problems saying what we mean

• barriers between the speaker and listener including

1. our preconceived ideas,
2. our emotional responses to particular issues,
3. fatigue of the listener
4. and multi-tasking,

• problems with how we understand what we hear

How do we work through these problems? 

Let’s start on the problem of saying what we mean and understanding what we hear.  We can misunderstand our spouse even when we’re not upset about a hot-button issue.  Sometimes we simply don’t understand the needs behind the words our partner uses.  For example, when my wife tells me “I don’t want to talk to the teacher about the problems that our son is having” she could mean several things.  She could be venting her frustration at having to deal with our son’s problems.  She could be expressing her fear of having to confront an issue.  She could also be wishing that I would do it instead of her.

How do I know what she means? 

Reflective listening - that’s what experts call it.  But another way it’s described is the McDonald’s communication method.  Think about using the drive-through at McDonald’s.  Here’s what happens:

Them: Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?

Me: Yes, I’d like 3 double cheesburgers, 2 ten piece chicken nuggets, 2 chicken sandwiches, and 1 bacon McDouble, 4 large fries, 7 waters, 1 large Dr. Pepper, and lots of napkins (BTW-this is for the whole family, and this is the dramatically shortened version).

Them: OK, so you want 3 double cheesburgers, 2 ten piece chicken nuggets, 2 chicken sandwiches, and 1 bacon McDouble, 4 large fries, 7 waters, and 1 large Diet Coke.

Me: Almost!  It’s a Dr. Pepper, not a Diet Coke.  And don’t forget the napkins – we don’t have to pay extra for them, do we?

Them: OK…(you get the idea, they repeat back until they know they understand what you want).

In the same way, I can use reflective listening to get a better understanding of what my wife is telling me:

Dawn: I don’t want to talk to the teacher about the problems that our son is having.

Scott: You’re saying you don’t want to discuss the problems that Joe (a fictional name used to protect the “innocent”) is having about his workload with the teacher?

Dawn: Yes, it’s really hard for me to approach Mr. Smith, he was my math teacher when I was in high school and I’m still intimidated by him.  

In this case, the reflective listening did two things:

1.       it tells her I have listened to her

2.       it invites her to explain herself further.

The idea is to paraphrase what the other person said as a question.  More on the next blog.  I’m also still working on some videos.

The beautiful graphic I put together for my last blog shows several areas where communication breaks down.  In addition to problems with how we express what we say and how someone else understands what they hear, the graphic shows “barriers”.  What are these barriers to listening?  Here are a few:

Perception.  Many things influence how well we listen, one is our opinion or perception of the speaker.  Our perception about a person, situation or subject can influence how receptive we are to what they have to say and how much we are willing to pay attention.  If we have negative perceptions of the speaker we are not as likely to pay attention to what they say as if we have a positive or non-judgmental perception of the person. 

Hot Button Issues.  It is possible for us to have strong emotions associated with a topic, “hot button” issues.  When someone pushes the hot button we tend to interpret what we hear through our past experiences, beliefs or biases connected to what the other person is saying and may be inclined to tune out the speaker, or plan rebuttals instead of listening.  Also, when we experience strong emotions it can be difficult to listen effectively.

Fatigue.  The time of day or our overall health can also be factors that hinder our ability to listen. Fatigue matters since listening takes effort and we tend to put less effort into listening when we’re tired.  The “time-lag” element of communication can also be a problem; the average talker speaks at about 200 words per minute but listeners can usually process words at about 300 to 500 words per minute.  Energy is required to not lose focus on during the lag time. 

Multi-tasking.  Research has shown how multi-tasking reduces the IQ to a fraction of a focused brain’s capacity.  So even if it is true (as some teenagers claim) that they can listen while doing other things, they are less intelligent while they do it!  But it’s more likely they don’t listen as well.  Scientists note that exposure to more and newer stimulating technology causes our brains to move away from more fundamental and contemplative skills.  So not only does the noise in the ear buds interfere with our hearing, but the constant stimulation makes us less able to listen!

OK, that’s several ways communication can go wrong.  What about some help with making it go right?  We’ll get to that in the next post.

In addition to information from the Drs. Gottman, other sources of information used include Why Don’t We Listen Better by J. Petersen and Listening-The Forgotten Art by M. Burley-Allen.