Research has shown that listening comprises the largest portion of communication.  The estimated breakdown is:

Writing            9%
Reading         16%
Speaking        30%
Listening        45%

But have you ever had any specific training on listening? 

No?  Well, listen up; we’ll go through some listening basics.

What is the difference between listening and hearing?  Hearing is defined as the awareness or perception of sound; listening is making a conscious effort to hear.  So the big difference between listening and hearing is that listening requires effort!

Why is listening so important?  Acknowledgement is a basic, universal human need.  People will generally be more likely to respond better to someone who meets that need than to someone who doesn’t.  Listening skills can also result in more friends and social networks, increased self-esteem, and improved academic performance.  In marriage, a partner’s unwillingness to listen could be a harbinger of the end of a relationship according to Gottman Institute research.

Now you might be thinking: “I have used listening skills all my life, so is this discussion really necessary?”

In response I want to point you to my little graphic that shows what can take place in communication. It also shows why I’m a counselor and not an artist.

As the picture shows, my thought must become words. The words must overcome various barriers to be heard by the other person.  Being heard by the other person must ultimately result in being understood by them.  And there are several ways here where things could go wrong.

The Biblical basis of marriage is found in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2).  At that time God gave His commandment to mankind, gave Adam work to do and instituted marriage.  The setting was paradise, and it’s easy to imagine that the first marriage was wonderful.  Likewise, many people dream of a marriage to another person that will be paradise.  But in most cases the early euphoria of the relationship gives way to disappointments and hurts.  As the disappointments and hurts accumulate, people sometimes see divorce as the only solution.  Why does this radical change occur?

Research supported reasons for divorce include communication problems, conflict management and sex and intimacy.  More specifically, Gottman Institute (www.gottman.com) research shows couples divorce at 5-7 years due to high conflict, and at 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy and connection.  

A common thread that runs through all of these reasons is selfishness.  But how do we deal with our own selfishness? 

The Christ-follower has at least two powerful tools at their disposal: the Holy Spirit and the teachings of the Bible.  While it’s not something I hear a lot about, Jesus told His disciples that anyone who “…come(s) after me, he must deny himself…”  So in my opinion the first step toward a better marriage is to take Biblical teaching seriously (the house-on-the-rock kind of thing). 

But devoted Christians can have problems in their marriages too. Also, some problems such as communication issues and conflict management can be dramatically improved with good information and effort.  So I would like to take several blog posts to deal with communication problems, conflict management, and intimacy and connection.

Thanks for visiting my blog! 

The main thrust of GCC’s ministry is counseling, but I am trying to do some writing as well.  I want this blog to provide information about improving relationships to those who may never come to counseling.  I’ve observed that couples don’t come to counseling until things are pretty bad.  At that point usually a lot of damage to the relationship has been done.  My hope is that this blog can provide couples with relationship tools to use before too much damage occurs.  I plan to provide updates periodically and accompany some of my blogs with videos.