Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.  G.K. Chesterton

I’ve given a Biblical definition of “Christian” because I want to deal with the issue of how we respond to the commands of Scripture.  These commands have much to do with the transformation toward Christ-likeness that occurs in the life of a Christian.  Although it is not the main purpose, transformation into the likeness of Christ will help us become someone who could be a good spouse. 

A controversial study released by the Barna Research Group in 1999[1] highlights the need to talk about this issue.  According to their research at the time, the divorce rate of those identifying as “born-again Christians” was higher (27%) than “other Christians” (24%), and atheists or agnostics (21%).  Later research by the Barna organization modified the numbers somewhat.  The later study notes that one-third (33%) of all adults in the U.S. who have been married have experienced at least one divorce, the same rate as “non-evangelical born again Christians”[2].  As you might imagine, there has been a lot of discussion about the findings of these studies.  Commenting about this data, a Barna Project director said: "We would love to be able to report that Christians are living very distinct lives and impacting the community, but ... in the area of divorce rates they continue to be the same."

I’m not trying to throw stones, here.  I simply believe these studies help to underscore the importance of this issue of the lordship of Jesus.  By lordship, I mean accepting Him to be our supreme master, which is what the word “Lord” means in the New Testament.  Accepting Him as master or “Lord” means we will obey His Word.  I Peter 2:9 tells us that Christians “…are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, [God's] own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light (AMP, emphasis mine).”  So if we are His people we are to be like Him.  Being like Him will clearly make us different from those who don’t believe and live in disobedience to Him.  Honoring our marriage vows can be one of those ways we “display the virtues and perfections of Jesus”.  I can say that because it was Jesus who said “"What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." (Mar 10:9, NASB). 

Now, this isn’t condemnation of those who are divorced.  There can be many reasons why a couple divorces, and some are Biblical (e.g., Mat 5:22, I Cor 7:15) and most are heart-wrenching.  This isn’t about divorce.  I could point to similar findings about single Christians and premarital sex, adultery, or other activities that the Christian clearly is told not to do.

The point I want to make is that as Christians, we’re called to obey the teachings of Jesus and the other writers of the New Testament.  An attitude of surrender to the commands of scripture is what will put us in the best position to be transformed into the image of Christ (see Rom 12:1-2).    Jesus said it best: “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” (John 14:15, ESV.)

All of this to say that as a Christian, our top priority should be obedience to Jesus as revealed through the New Testament and the direction of the Holy Spirit.  If we are actively pursuing obedience to Jesus, we will grow in Christ-likeness.  If we grow in the likeness of Jesus, many good things will happen.  Becoming someone who is better equipped to be a spouse is really just a side effect. 

One more thing.  The lordship of Christ is a huge topic, I’m not in any way fully covering it.  Taking Jesus as our savior is the first step of obedience.  And all of our obedience is imperfect, we deal with our sinful nature and live in a fallen, sin-filled world.  If you read this and heard me say that submitting to the lordship of Christ means you will perfectly obey all of the New Testament teachings on how we should live, you didn’t hear me correctly.  As I see it, the Biblical idea is of increasing Christ-likeness over our Christian life.


[1] "Christians are more likely to experience divorce than are non-Christians," Barna Research Group, 1999-DEC-21, at: http://www.barna.org/ Barna no longer has this report online. However, a review of the report is at: http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm.

[2] New Marriage and Divorce Statistics Released, Barna Research Group, 2008-MAR-31, at: https://www.barna.com/research/new-marriage-and-divorce-statistics-released/.

Jesus does not offer an opinion for He never uttered opinions. He never guessed; He knew, and He knows!
​A.W. Tozer
 
So far, I’ve tried to make the case that pre-premarital preparation can avoid a lot of problems after marriage.  I’ve emphasized that this preparation deals primarily with you, not the other person.  Why do I say that?  Because I’ve seen it many times: someone will talk extensively about their spouse’s problems.  They may even preface their whole talk with a statement like “I know I am part of the problem”.  But then on they go to explain what their spouse does wrong in detail. 

Their description of their spouse’s flaws, misbehaviors and issues may be 100 percent accurate.  But the problem is they can’t change their spouse.  I can’t change their spouse, their parents can’t, their friends can’t…, you get the picture.  The point is, we can’t change anyone other than ourselves, and even changing ourselves can be very difficult.  So, is there any hope? 

The answer is “yes”!  Jesus told his followers: “ ‘…with God, all things are possible’ (Mark 10:27, KJV).” That gives us hope that God is willing to work with us to help us change in ways He desires for us (also see I John 5:1).  Paul wrote about the transformation that can come to them by the influence of the Holy Spirit in a person’s life.  He encouraged them (and us) to “ ‘…put off your old self, which… is corrupt through deceitful desires, and [be] renewed in the spirit of your minds… after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness’ (Eph. 4:23-24 ESV).”  So, it is possible to change ourselves.

That brings me to the topic of spiritual foundations.  It’s a logical next step because I write from a Christian perspective.  I’m also writing primarily to Christian people.  So, I want to spend a little time on what it means to be a Christian.  This is because in my experience and from my belief in the Bible as truth, the Christian has an advantage in issues that involve who we are and who we are becoming.  The Christian has access to the power of God to change and grow (see II Cor. 13:4). That change and growth can help us to become a person who is a better spouse.  Paul illustrated this when he explained to the Galatian churches the difference between someone controlled by the Holy Spirit and someone controlled by their sinful human nature (Gal 5:19-26).  The person only controlled by their sinful nature will have inclinations toward fighting, jealousy, sexual promiscuity and fits of anger.  A person who is coming under the control of the Holy Spirit will become more loving, joyful, peaceful and self-controlled.  It’s not hard to see that a person who is controlled by the Holy Spirit is going to be easier to get along with than someone controlled by their sinful nature.

That last paragraph sounds good in theory.  But you might be saying, “Well, I’m a Christian but that doesn’t describe me!”  So, let’s define the word “Christian”.  The word “Christians” is first used in the Bible in Acts 11:26 to describe the disciples or followers of Jesus.  It’s arguable that following Jesus can look different depending on where you are in terms of sanctification and service.  But the Christian is a Christ follower.  By “follower” the Bible is indicating a person who will be with God and know Him (Mark 3:14, I Cor 1:9, Phil 3:10).  Thus, a disciple is one who is getting to know Jesus better and trying to become more like Him.  More about this next time.

We get too soon old, and too late smart.
- American proverb

This isn’t another marriage blog.

No, I’m doing these posts as I work toward a book for “pre-premarried” people.  That means it’s for single people.  Single people who would like to be married someday. 
And why am I writing?  Because I can’t talk to all of you.

This idea came out of my (and others’) experience working with couples.  Couples who are in difficult places in their relationships, sometimes for many years.  The frustration, anger, resentment and stress they experience cause major damage to their relationships.  Once they were so in love.  Now they sit in my office, not even wanting to look at each other.

When I’ve finished talking with a couple like that, I’ve sometimes wished for a time machine. 
That’s actually not as random as it sounds.  Now, I’ll admit that I’ve thought having a time machine would be really great long before I was working with couples.  There are lots of times in history I’d love to visit.  But that’s not what I’m getting at here.

​I’d wish I could go back years in their relationship and give them some good instruction.  Instruction that would help them avoid ever getting to the place they are now.  Or even go back before they made this promise to each other and God.  I’d like to give them information to help them make better decisions.  About who they marry, why they marry, and what they should expect from marriage.  Because with that information it’s likely they could avoid much of the hurt they are experiencing. 
​
So, until someone gets me a time machine, I’ll keep working on these posts.

A Summary of Boundaries in Marriage – Speaking the Truth in Love

My intent in doing these blogs is to introduce good resources for marriages and families.  In the current series about Boundaries in Marriage I’ve discussed what boundaries are and how they work.  I wanted to spend the rest of this entry going over some of the other boundary-related issues addressed in Cloud & Townsend’s book.  These are discussed below.

The requirement for the “oneness” that most of us want in relationships is two healthy individuals.  All of us need to overcome our tendency to think the world revolves around us to become emotionally healthy.  A healthy individual allows the person they love to have freedom in the relationship, not control.  An unhealthy person will assume they always need to be happy, and this will damage all of their relationships. 

Instead of this unhealthy mindset we need to make the following positive choices.  Choosing to love God, to love your spouse, to be honest, to be faithful, to be compassionate and forgiving, and to be holy will put your relationship on the path to being the best it can be.  When we love God, we are willing to obey Him, and He gives us reasons to stay together and the power to change.  When we love our spouse we identify with her to the point that we feel the effects of our behavior on her.  When we are honest with each other, we are more likely to talk about things that, though difficult, can lead us to greater intimacy.  When we are faithful to each other it will mean being sexually faithful and also faithful with our hearts.  When we are compassionate and forgiving, we are able to deal with the fact that both of us are not perfect.  When we choose holiness we are without blame, pure and whole, better able to pursue love and to get rid of things that get in love’s way.

There is always a danger of intruders in the marriage relationship.  Both spouses must diligently guard against the intrusions of such things as work, children, TV, in-laws, church, etc.  All marriages need outside support, and no marriage has all of the resources both partners will need, but be careful what outside supports you chose.  For example, the wife who confides more in her mother than in her husband is likely preventing growth in her relationship with her husband.  The husband who is overcommitted to his job (or ministry) is also damaging the relationship with the one he committed his life to.  It’s also very important to remember that parenting is temporary while marriage is supposed to be permanent. 

Cloud and Townsend identify several types of conflict including: sin of one spouse, immaturity or brokenness of one person, hurt feelings that are no one’s fault, and desires of one person versus the needs of the relationship.  They also describe some “rules” for how do deal with each type of conflict. 

When conflict involves the sin of one spouse, humility and grace are needed.  Then the offended spouse will be able to understand they are not better than the one who offended them.  But while we need to be soft on the person, it’s important to be hard on the issue. 

When conflict is due to the immaturity or brokenness of one partner, it will be necessary for the other partner to accept the reality of the situation, communicate support to their spouse, and develop a plan. 

When feelings are hurt but no one is to blame, develop a plan to avoid causing the hurts in the first place.  When there are conflicting desires, don’t moralize your own preference, and consider meet your spouse’s needs before your own.

If conflict is around the needs of one person versus the needs of the relationship, it’s good to remember that marriage needs to come first, but individual needs should also be considered. 

A final note on boundaries in marriage is that they can be misused.  Boundaries are not about escaping responsibility.  If a spouse doesn’t communicate when they have set boundaries but only enforces them, this is a misuse of boundaries.  Also, if the spouse who sets the boundaries isn’t willing to take ownership of their part of the problem, a misuse of boundaries has occurred. 

Overall, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend is a great resource for your marriage if you struggle with maintaining a sense of individual freedom and personal integrity in the marriage.  The authors do a great job of helping the reader apply Ephesians 4:15  (“… speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,” NASB).  And that’s the way I want to summarize the concept so it’s easy for us to remember: Boundaries are about speaking the truth in love.  Here’s an example to help us with the overall concept.

Jay is a very structured person; he’s on time, on schedule and organized.  Terry is less so.  She’s very artistic and creative, and sometimes she gets so involved in the moment that all of her other responsibilities, commitments and obligations are forgotten.  Obviously, this is pretty frustrating to Jay, he’s been annoyed by it since they’ve been married and has nagged, criticized and complained about it over the 10 years they’ve been married.  But then he’d make excuses for her or try to prevent her (or both of them) from experiencing the consequences of her poor time management.  Finally someone directed him to a book on boundaries, and he decided to set up a boundary around this issue.  He realized he will have to speak the truth to Terry, but do it in a loving way.  So he came to Terry after dinner and asked if they could talk.  He knew this was about the lowest stress time in her day, and he chose it because they needed to have a hard conversation. 

Jay: “Terry, for the last few years I’ve nagged you a lot about trying to get places on time, and I’ve realized that’s not what I should be doing.  Even though I’ve said things and been upset with you, I’ve never stood up for what I wanted in this area.  But now I want to try something different.”

Terry: “I still don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but what are you going to do?”

Jay: “It is a big deal for me, and it’s inconsiderate of others.  So I’ve decided that when it’s time to leave for anything we’re planning to go to I’m going to leave if you’re ready or if you’re not.”

Terry didn’t like the idea, but Jay realized he needed to give her the freedom to experience the consequences of being irresponsible with her time management.  The test came a few days later when they were supposed to go to dinner with friends.  They were scheduled to meet at 6:00, and it took 15 minutes to get there.  At 5:45 Jay saw that Terry was still working away in her studio, so he left for dinner without her.  When Terry finally realized that Jay had left she was too embarrassed to join them for dinner and chose to stay home by herself.  This kind of thing happened several times over the next few weeks, with Terry opting to stay home each time. 

But the game changer was an invite to Terry’s parents’ house about a month later.  They were supposed to come for lunch on Saturday at noon.  Since they lived an hour away, Jay was ready to go at 11:00, but Terry was in the middle of a project and clearly hadn’t thought at all about getting ready to go.  Jay didn’t want to go by himself and he didn’t want both of them to drive that far, but he knew he needed to maintain this boundary so he left.  When Terry got to her parents’ house (two hours later) Jay and her parents were as kind to her as ever.  Terry’s sisters weren’t.  After that, Terry got an appointment calendar app on her phone to warn her in advance of scheduled events. 

Since then Terry has seen that it was good for their relationship for Jay to set up a boundary around this issue.  They are having less conflict about it, but also Jay is more pleasant to be around because he’s not as frustrated about her poor time management.

In this example, Jay suffered in silence some of the time, but found that his frustration was often coming out as the nagging and complaining.  After setting the boundary, he saw that it was actually not loving to prevent Terry from experiencing the consequences of her irresponsibility.  This had prevented her from growing and experiencing victory in an area where she had felt like a failure for years.  His boundary helped her develop her own boundary.

So if you have identified yourself in any of the information I’ve shared, pick up a copy of Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.  You may find that setting boundaries with yourself and in your marriage is one of the best things you’ll ever do for your relationship.

One more blog on Boundaries in Marriage.

To this point what’s been covered in the blog/videos is how boundaries in marriages can be used to help both partners have a voice in the relationship.  But when we emphasize this, there’s plenty of potential for misunderstanding.  I think the greatest potential misunderstanding we have is to interpret boundaries as a method of getting our spouse to do what we want.  But boundaries are first about us. 

Here’s an example.  The couple’s fictional, but the issue is real.  When Bill and Brenda got married, Bill wasn’t really ready to “leave and cleave”.  He came from a tight-knit family while Brenda was more independent.  Over the next three years, Bill consistently made the decision to be with his family on holidays, vacations and lots of other times.  When they would talk about their plans for the weekend or the vacation, Brenda would tell Bill she wanted to be with her family, or she wanted to do something with friends, but Bill would always come up with a reason they had to be with his family.  Brenda didn’t like it, but didn’t want to make waves so she silently endured as her frustration grew.  She would become more resentful, sullen and withdrawn each time they were with his family.  Bill felt hurt and frustrated by the change in his normally cheerful and sweet wife.  This was becoming a big area of conflict in their marriage.

Finally, Brenda made a decision.  She took last year’s calendar and added up all of the times they had been with Bill’s family and all of the times they had done what she wanted to do.  Then she and Bill had a talk.  She told him “I love you and I’m willing to spend some time with your family.  But over the last year we were with your family 46 weekends and both of our vacations.  That shows me that my desires for what I do with our free time aren’t being honored.  So this year I am willing to be with your family 23 weekends and for one of our vacations.  The other times I will to choose where we go or what we do.  If you choose to be with your family more than this I won’t come along.”

As you might guess, this wasn’t very popular with Bill.  But over the next year Brenda stuck to her commitment.  When Bill made it clear he wasn’t going to limit the number of weekends he was with his family, Brenda began taking some weekends for herself.  And before long Bill realized he missed being with his wife, especially since she was becoming less resentful, sullen, and withdrawn.  He decided to work out a mutually agreeable schedule with her for their time off.

In this story Brenda established some boundaries in the relationship, but she began by establishing boundaries in herself.  She didn’t want to stand up to Bill and she didn’t want to be without him during her time off.  But she realized that she needed to do these things for the good of the relationship.  Also, consistent with Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:5, Brenda needed to deal with her own issues before she could help someone else.  She needed to be proactive in addressing her resentment and anger and her fear of conflict so that she could help her husband.  She needed to work on a boundary within herself before she worked on a boundary with her husband.

In the story, what Brenda did was to take ownership of her life.  She had to take Cloud and Townsend’s advice: “We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse’s.”  

Being more deeply concerned about my own issues moves the opportunity to change back to me.  As long as I am focused on my wife’s problems, and how she needs to change I am conveniently overlooking my own problems.  And I’m not able to change her anyhow; the person I have the most ability to change is me.  But even more than my own abilities, my best opportunity for personal change and growth comes from acknowledging to God that I’m not able to do it on my own, and that I need Jesus’ help.

Another good effect of setting boundaries on ourselves is that we free our spouse to choose to grow.  In the story of Bill and Brenda, as long as Brenda went along with Bill’s immature approach to separating from his family of origin, he didn’t have to choose between his family and her.  After she set the boundary of limiting the time with his family, Bill can choose to mature (separate from his parents).  

So setting boundaries with ourselves (choosing and doing things we may prefer not to do) for the good of our relationships will often allow for improvements in our marriage.  But I should point out that our spouse may not choose the path of growth.  What then?  You have still set up a boundary to make the relationship better for you, and you have grown from doing it.  Continue to pray, God isn’t through with any of us yet.

I hope to finish up boundaries next time.

I’m continuing with the Laws of Boundaries in Marriage as a part of the discussion about working with a spouse who won’t cooperate.  So far we’ve looked at the first four Laws: (1) Sowing and Reaping, (2) Responsibility, (3) Power, and (4) Respect.

The fifth Law is the Law of Motivation.  Cloud and Townsend explain it like this: “No one can actually love another if he feels he doesn’t have a choice not to.”  If this law is misunderstood, could become selfishness – when we only choose to do what we want to do.  What is this law saying?  Simply this: avoid situations where one spouse feels like they can’t say “no” to their partner’s request because they are afraid of the consequences. 

To help us understand, here’s an example from a couple I’ve made up.  Jill has a close relationship with her mom; she wants to be with her mom at least twice a month.  But Jill and her husband Jack live several hours away from Jill’s mom.  Jack gives in to Jill and goes with her to see her mother on weekends two or three times a month, but he drags his feet the whole time.  He complains about her mother on the way there and on the way back.  He is sulky while he at her mother’s house.  He also makes sure that all of their friends know what a martyr he is to be with her mother so often. 

Why is he acting like that?  It’s because he doesn’t want to go but he’s afraid to tell Jill.  Why is he afraid?  He fears the consequences of telling her.  The consequences are (1) losing the approval of Jill’s mother, and (2) being seen as the bad guy.  So e tries to sweep his feelings under the rug.  But rug is lumpy.  It would be better for their relationship if Jack would follow the law of motivation.  As it is, he gives in to what she wants but then makes her pay for it.  To follow the law of motivation Jack and Jill need to have what will be a difficult conversation. 

The conversation could sound like this: “Jill, I know how much you like to be with your mom and I want to honor that.  But we go there more than I’d like.  I’d like us to be able to reach a compromise on this…”  The rest of the conversation might include how they could structure their travel plans in such a way that they both get some of what they want and they both give the other some of what the other wants.

The Law of Evaluation states: Just because someone is in pain doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is happening.  With this law Cloud and Townsend are pointing out that pain can have a good purpose and when one spouse wants to step in and save the other from pain it may not be a good thing.  To understand this better let’s hear another Jack and Jill story.

Jack and Jill have been married for several years and they both have good jobs.  But Jack really loves to give Jill gifts.  So he takes every opportunity to shower Jill with expensive stuff.  He gives her a trip to Europe for her birthday, a new car for their anniversary, buys a timeshare for Christmas, etc.  Jill keeps track of their finances and she can see that despite the good jobs they have, Jack’s habit of buying expensive gifts has them in serious financial trouble.  But the gifts he buys are for her.  What makes it even harder is that she sees how happy it makes him when she acts thrilled with yet another gift.  It’s hard for her to act happy about each new thing since she knows their finances are in such terrible shape.  But she does it because she just doesn’t want to cause him pain. 

Jill is confusing pain with injury.  It is true that if Jill would have conversation with Jack about how bad those gifts are for their finances, Jack would feel pain.  But that wouldn’t injure him.  In fact, that conversation is certainly what he needs sooner than later.  The pain that Jill thinks she is sparing Jack from is actually just being postponed.  Jack and Jill are in an unsustainable pattern and eventually their creditors will step in and want their money back.

As long as Jill is unwilling to talk to Jack about his spending problem she is actually denying him an opportunity to grow up.  Confronting Jack might cause him pain, but it at least gives him the opportunity for emotional/spiritual growth.  Not confronting him denies him of this opportunity and makes Jill an enabler.

Both of these laws encourage us to be open with our partners instead of taking the easier path of avoiding conflict.  But it’s not hard to see that in the end, being open with our spouse and working through the conflict will be better for our relationships than if we continue to pretend the problems aren’t there. 

Thanks for coming to the website.  Before we go back to the topic of boundaries in marriage, a quick reminder that most of this information comes from the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend – a great resource!

I’ve heard it said that the laws of our land are grounded in the six basic objectives stated in the preamble to the Constitution.  These objectives – forming a more perfect union, establishing justice, etc. - are supposed to inform all of the laws passed by our government.  These objectives state the principles the authors of the Constitution desired to guide governmental action.

In a similar way, Cloud and Townsend have developed 10 Laws of Boundaries in Marriage.  These laws state the principles that guide us in understanding how to wisely implement boundaries in our marriages.  They are the general principles from which we can best determine how to establish boundaries in our relationships.  Here they are with brief definitions:

1. Law of sowing and reaping – our actions have consequences.
2. Law of responsibility – we are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
3. Law of power – we have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people).
4. Law of respect – if we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
5. Law of motivation – we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.
6. Law of evaluation – we need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.
7. Law of proactivity – we take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs.
8. Law of envy – we will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.
9. Law of activity – we need to take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive.
10. Law of exposure – we need to communicate our boundaries to each other.

Let’s go through them.  

First, Sowing and Reaping.

Paul explained this in his letter to the Galatian churches (Gal 6:7), God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap (NASB).  This principle applies in relationships too.  If a husband acts selfishly or irresponsibly, he needs to experience the consequences of his actions.  This law becomes a problem when the husband (for example) “sows” actions that are hurtful to the relationship but the wife won’t let him experience the consequences of those actions.

Here is an example.  Say I regularly explode in anger at my wife and children because of minor things. Imagine it’s to the point that they feel they must try very hard not do the minor things that would set me off.  Maybe they even feel that they must try to do things for me to keep me out of my foul mood.  Ironically, in doing this my wife and children would be allowing me to violate the law of sowing and reaping.  They would not be allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions.  I am sowing anger, harshness and criticism but am not experiencing the relational damage that usually would occur from such an attack.

A response that allows my actions to have the natural consequences could look like this.  The next time I threw a fit over a minor offense, my wife could say to me “I love you but I do not deserve to be treated this way over such a minor thing.  The next time you react in that way I will need some time away from you.”  And then, much like in parenting, my wife would need to follow through on what she said.

If you’re thinking about how difficult this conversation with your spouse would be, you’re probably right.  But, is there a cost to doing nothing?  Probably.  The poor choices your spouse. is making have likely already damaged your relationship.  It might be helpful to imagine what this kind of damage would do to over the next five or ten years. 

To kindly but firmly talk to them about the consequences of their behavior might be difficult, but it could be the wakeup call they have needed. 

We’ll continue with the Law of Responsibility next time.

Thanks for coming to the website, and now I’m back to marriage issues.

I began this series of blogs and videos by talking about how to do communication better in marriage.  Then I transitioned into boundaries in marriage by talking about having a spouse who doesn’t want to try work on the relationship.  So far we’ve talked about boundaries as a method of understanding what we own in the relationship.

For example, I knew someone (I’ll call the person “Jane”) who had regularly treated me in a belittling way.  After most of the times we were together I would leave feeling like Jane didn’t value me at all and led others to devalue me too.  For a long time I struggled with this.  I would often wonder what my problem was, why didn’t Jane treat me with respect and kindness?  After all, that’s how I tried to treat her!  Why didn’t I seem to measure up in Jane’s eyes? 

I thought how Jane treated me was my problem – that I was being touchy.  That prevented me from talking to just about everyone else in my life about it.  But I prayed about it a lot, and what the Lord showed me was that Jane was a part of the problem, too.

If I could have talked to them, Cloud and Townsend might have reminded me that boundaries aren’t about the other person, they are about self-control.  To quote them: “Boundaries help us to know just where someone’s control begins and ends”. 

In my example, I needed to accept that I am not able to control the way Jane acts toward me.  But I am in control of how I respond.  I could use my words as a boundary to establish what I will or will not tolerate.  But instead, I had let my lack of words become a way that I let go of my boundaries.   And my loss of boundaries came at a price.

The price was that I began to resent Jane.  I spent way too much mental energy dwelling on how she had treated me, about what a terrible person she was.  I also didn’t want to be around her.  In social settings, I would try to find ways to avoid her or avoid the entire situation.  That harmed relationships I had with others.

What she did to me was unkind.  But what I did to myself was probably more damaging.  I had not taken the counsel of the Bible in Matthew 18:15.  There Jesus tells us if someone “sins against us” we should talk to them about it individually.  He goes on to say that if we do this and they listen we have “won [our] brother”.   Because I didn’t put up a boundary by saying to Jane “I don’t like it when you…” I allowed myself to experience a number of negative things. I gave myself the opportunity to be stressed when we were together.  I put myself in the position of not enjoying some social situations.  I also distanced myself from her, allowing our relationship to be damaged, and she didn’t know why.  It really wasn’t fair to her or me.  And it all happened because I didn’t maintain my boundaries in that relationship.

So how do we maintain boundaries in relationships?  Cloud and Townsend suggest several tools:

•     using appropriate words,
  
•     telling the truth,
  
•     establishing consequences,
  
•      keeping emotional or physical distance from the other
  
•      involving other people, and
  
•      setting time parameters.
  

I’ve already talked about using appropriate words.  I also wasn’t telling the truth when I didn’t inform Jane that her actions hurt me.   An example of establishing consequences would be cancelling a credit card when the spouse continues to overspend.  Establishing emotional distance can be necessary if trust has been broken and physical distance may be necessary if abuse is involved.  Involving other people can be helpful if one person’s boundaries have been compromised repeatedly, to give the offended person some backbone. Finally, an example of setting time parameters would be to decide that a contentious conversation will only go on for one hour.

There’s a lot more to talk about regarding boundaries in relationships, we’ll pick up on this again next time.

Thanks for coming to the GCC website.  I’m taking a break from the videos and blog posts on communication to do this personal message to the visitors to my site. 

When I first started the journey that would lead to a degree in counseling it was because I saw the devastation that was occurring in our community because of the breakup of families.  After prayer and advice from others I chose to focus on marriage counseling because it seemed like the best way to make a difference.  I thought it would help protect children who are victimized and help parents pass their faith to the next generation.

So over the last two years I have spent a lot of hours counseling with couples (individuals too).  And my observation is similar to what I’ve heard from other professionals: too many couples come to marriage counseling with a relationship that is DOA.  I understand that God is in the resurrection business, but I also know that he allows us to make our own choices.  And I also know that there is a lot of wisdom in the old proverb that “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  So I have thought for some time that it would be wiser to help marriages by working on the “ounce of prevention” instead of the “pound of cure”.

That’s where the website blog and videos came in.  I saw a counseling webinar on the power of social media in communication, and decided to try it.  The idea was to provide teaching tools for couples whose relationships are in trouble but not at the breaking point.  To try to reach couples with preventative teaching before their relationships are in crisis.  So I’ve produced and posted videos at the rate of about one a month for all of 2014. 

But the problem I have with this internet-based medium is that it can be pretty impersonal.  I get information about how many people visit my website from the company that hosts it.  I also get information about how many people see, click on, share, and like the content I put on or link from Facebook.  What that doesn’t tell me, though, is if anything I wrote or talked about was helpful.  If anyone actually used the concepts I’ve talked about in the videos. 

The question about the effectiveness of the information I’ve produced was especially in my mind when I began talking to people about support for the ministry.  It made me wonder: “Am I being a good steward of the money that God has given me through those who support this ministry?”  Writing takes time, so does putting internet movies together.  Is the time I’m spending on this a good investment?  Would it be better to explore some other options?

It seems to me that the best way to answer these questions is to ask you, the visitors of my website. 

I’m not fishing for compliments here, I just want some honest feedback.  For example, some time ago I talked to someone who had watched some of my earlier videos.  They had some constructive criticism about the way I did the filming.  I valued that information and tried to make adjustments because of it.

When I watch the videos I made longer ago I think that I could have done better.  I want to, going forward.  But I also want to have a better understanding about the effectiveness of these videos and blog posts.  So would you be willing to give me some feedback?  Topics to discuss?  Things you think would be helpful?  What you like or don’t?

If you see this on Facebook you can message me.  If you view it on my website, just click the letter icon at the top right of the page.  My phone number is also in the contact page of the website, you can text as well.  The message, email or text will be only seen by me.


In summary, I value your input.  It will help me understand where I focus my efforts in the future. 

On a previous video/blog we discussed reasons why one member of a couple might not want to work on communication. 

But if you’re the one who wants to, then what?  I think there are at least two things you can do: (1) learn to be a better listener yourself, and (2) learn how to set appropriate boundaries in the relationship.

Let’s start with learning how to be a better listener.  This stuff is straight out of counseling training.  Counselors use several non-verbal behaviors to help people understand they are being listened to.  These behaviors can be remembered by the acronym SOLER:

• Sit squarely
• Open posture
• Lean toward the speaker
• Eye contact
• Relax

Most people will do some or all of these actions unconsciously when talking with someone they care about or are interested in.  You might see yourself do some of them with a little effort toward self-awareness.  Just pay attention to the way you sit, lean, etc. as you are listening to something or someone you’re really interested in.  You might be surprised at what you’re already doing!  You might also be surprised at what you’re not doing when you talk to your spouse.

Sitting squarely.  Turning away from someone while they speak communicates to them that you’re not listening.  Likewise, turning toward someone communicates “I’m hearing you”.  So an easy thing to do that helps your spouse know you are hearing them is to sit facing them.  You can be directly across from them, or at a slight angle.  When sitting squarely, it’s important to be aware of how close you are to the other.  As a general rule in American culture, being less than 18 inches away can make them uncomfortable. And generally people with closer relationships will sit closer together while those less comfortable around each other will stay further apart.

Open posture.  Like the photo shows, how we have our arms can communicate without saying a word.  Folded arms can communicate defensiveness, disgust, or anger (notice the man on the left).  Likewise a more open posture can non-verbally tell someone I am willing to listen without judging (notice the man on the right).  We may not mean anything by how we sit or stand, but if the other person is reading it that way, it’s worth considering. 

Lean toward the speaker.  Leaning away from a speaker is something people generally do to indicate wariness, distrust, disagreement or boredom.  Leaning toward usually indicates the opposite.  It shows that you are interested in them and what they have to say. 

Eye contact.  Good eye contact demonstrates that your focus is on the speaker.  Good eye contact isn’t staring the other person down, instead it involves looking directly at their face and occasionally shifting your gaze to other parts of the body.

Relax.  Relaxing here means doing these non-verbals in a natural or un-planned way.  Doing what “comes naturally”.  “And how is that possible?” you ask.  Don’t expect it to be at first.  But as you practice these non-verbal techniques they will become more natural.

I said earlier that you may do some of SOLER actions already.  But chances are that time, frustration, conflict, etc. have worn away the natural inclination you have to do to the things that indicate you’re interested in what he has to say.  In fact, you’re probably not interested.  But the good news is that you can re-learn them, or learn them in the first place if needed.

Speaker-listener cards are another tool that can be used to facilitate good communication.  Just follow the instructions on the card.  Like the non-verbal listening skills, the speaker-listener cards might seem awkward at first, but will become more natural over time.

We’ve gone over a number of techniques to help with communication.  But if your spouse isn’t willing to put forth some effort in this area, it may be necessary to establish some boundaries.  More on that next time.